We Report on the Olympics Opening Ceremony Without Actually Having Seen It

The following are our expert observations about the Olympics’ opening ceremony, which we did not actually see, but which we are obligated to comment upon, being the Official Blog of the 2012 London Olympics (slogan:”the cheque is in the post, blimey”).

We’re sorry, but real American Olympians do not wear *berets. Except maybe on Halloween. If they also have a pencil-thin moustache drawn with eye liner. But definitely NOT when the world is watching on TV.

If the Olympic torch had been made in America, it would’ve been a Weber and come with mesquite chips.

Mr. Bean is the funniest person in the world. For about 15 seconds. After which we want to throw a javelin at his head.


If the Queen can be bored at a hometown extravaganza like the opening ceremony, man, she must have seen some serious pomp and pageantry in her lifetime.

Why do all British musicians start to look like Dame Edna when they get old?

OK, we admit to liking the Queen. She had us after, “Good evening, Mr. Bond.”

It is a very, very good thing that middle age men do not compete in the Olympics. If we did, the opening ceremony would last for approximately 72 days, because we would have to stop and take a leak every lap.

Oscar-winning British director **Danny Boyle is either enormously creative or plain, old creepy. (Hint: if you aren’t sure which it is, vote for creepy and protect the children.)

We still cannot get over American Olympians wearing berets. We’re wondering if they were also wearing Spanx Skinny Britches under their tight pants. The men, we mean.

New Zealand’s champion shot putter– Valerie Adams — could kick the butt of 99% of athletes at the Games. She does not wear Spanx. We suspect she goes commando but are afraid to ask.

We should probably be thankful that the original design for America’s Olympics clothing was rejected. Because, oh brother…

The climax of the opening ceremony was either:

a) dancers forming the shape of the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament badge while other performers represented the struggle of trade union movements, or

b) all 27,000 multi-racial performers stripping down to their berets, having carnal relations with Mr. (or Mrs?) Paul McCartney, while meditating on world peace and going on strike for recyclable, Fair Trade Spanx.

Despite having read several news reports, we are still unsure if the correct answer is a) or b), but we will try to catch the replay and find out.

This has been your first 2012 London Olympics Update.

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* Unless they are in the Special Forces, in which case they can wear any damn thing they want.

** We still don’t know whether it’s a) or b), but we see that media are speculating that Danny Boyle may get a knighthood for the opening ceremony, which confirms how weirdly British it was.

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