We Have It On Good Authority That…

* Sad and bereft Kim Kardashian did NOT consummate her brief marriage. So she is STILL a virgin. Wait.

* Chaz Bono was eliminated from Dancing with the Stars on a fluke: every gay, lesbian and transgender person in America lost their iPhone that night and couldn’t vote.

* If the U.S. Presidential election were held today, Chaz Bono would win by a landslide (now that his constituents have found their iPhones).

* But since the election is a year away, there is a very real chance that either Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum or Jon Huntsman will have a child just before the election and call it “Chaz”. (But this should in no way be seen as pandering to the gay vote.)

* The Killer Horror Cataclysmic Oklahoma Earthquake of 2011 saw “Cabinet doors completely shaken open,” according to Channel 9 News (we are not making this up).

* Oprah plans to be on Celebrity Apprentice, Jersey Shore and The Biggest Loser in 2012. (If you have to ask “Why?”, you haven’t seen her network’s ratings in 2011).

* A representative for Justin Bieber has confirmed that he WILL take DNA test to prove it’s not his baby, baby, baby. Oh.

* BREAKING NEWS: Justin Bieber’s legal team is set to announce that the teen heart-throb actually has “no working genitalia”.

* The Jackson family will celebrate the conviction of Dr. Conrad Murray by staging a “Musical Extravaganza!” directly on the grave of brother Michael. Whether MJ’s tomb is opened for a rousing finale with sister Janet is hinging on discussions with Sony Music and other bloodsuckers.

* Dallas Cowboys’ Owner Jerry Jones has secretly been spending one day a week at the Mayo clinic where a team of surgeons is slowing, layer by layer, removing former head coach Wade Phillips’ lips from his saggy old man butt.

* Soon, when NBA owners and players meet to decide once and for all whether to end this ugly strike and save the season, superstar LeBron James will stand tall, show uncanny leadership, and lead both sides to … Wait… No, that would never happen.

* Mark Zuckerberg is now worth about $18 million which, in all honesty, means he should be eaten alive by wild hogs.

* Because Steve Jobs, although technically dead, is still approximately 10,000 times smarter than Mark Zuckerberg, before or after wild hogs have chewed off his facebook.

* It has been determined that the enormous Killer Horror Cataclysmic Asteroid of Doom that is hurtling toward Earth at 10 bazillion miles per hour, threatening to end all life as we know it, is a much better dancer than Chaz Bono, and weighs 50 tons less.

* UPDATEAs the 1,300-foot-wide hunk of space rock zoomed by Earth at 29,000 mph, it was sexually harassed by Herman Cain. “He reached out and grabbed my asteroid, and I am not saying this because I’m a delusional blonde git.”

* If InTENsity had been allowed to stay on X Factor even one more week, this blog would have personally purchased a tactical drone and let fly. Sure, there was a danger its homing computers could have mistakenly blown up the cast of GLEE, but we were willing to take that chance.

* Final Note: The cast of GLEE, collectively, have fewer working genitalia than Justin Bieber.

At least that’s what we hear.

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