Way too late to increase my vertical – or get abs of steel

The blog planned to spend tonight enjoying our son’s rock’n’roll band at the outdoorsy Whangamata Beach Hop.

But with the gig canceled, we decided to be smart alecky AND get rich by shamelessly flogging incredibly valuable information and/or products from ClickBank, an Internet service which is like Charlie Sheen in many ways.

Let us begin the flogging with a killer marketing question: “Who Else Wants To Increase Their Vertical (Leap) By 10 Inches In Just 10 Weeks?”, which is asked by the Vertical Explosion Training Program.

Rest assured the question is extremely relevant to this blog who: 1) stood well over four feet tall in our prime; 2) for years had the following real-life headline taped to our typewriter, “He’s 5’4″ and Can Dunk”; 3) and who remains emotionally scarred to this day from having had approximately 17,000 jump shots stuffed down our throat by a much taller, and evil, childhood friend whose initials are Steve Madden; the kind of person who wore a Bike brand jockstrap as a headband. (I told you he was evil.)

So you can understand that, as a height-deprived hoopster in the Sixties, this blog URGENTLY NEEDED vertical help. To the point that we would have hocked our mother’s sewing machine, and possibly our sisters, to raise the $37 needed to jump 10 inches higher. Because maybe, just maybe, that would have allowed us to make a jump shot over our evil childhood friend who, we are reliably informed, now goes by “John”, probably to avoid federal prosecution for basketball-related offenses.

But middle age changes everything, even the desire to be like Mike. Way up in the Air. Because the ground below is very hard nowadays, and we are not.

Today our questions about verticality would be: 1)”if this blog did in fact leap an additional 10 inches higher (thus increasing our total vertical leap to an even foot), how many orthopedic surgeons would be required to rebuild our shattered old knees and ankles after we crashed to Earth?”; and, Question 2), asked after we regained consciousness, “In what general direction should we search to find our glasses, hearing aids, car keys and spleen?”

Yes, as some famous person once noted: “Hang time waits for no man, especially if he’s middle-aged and missing his spleen”.

Sadly, Facebook has made us aware that some former high school classmates, who shall remain nameless, Paul Hill and Sudie Morgan Kirkman, are breaking the laws of nature and of aging.

Paul’s FB pages feature photos of he and his hot wife in skimpy swimwear and comments about doing “lats” and “gluts” at the gym. Meanwhile, in a totally different state, Sudie has gone all Bruce Lee, kicking the crap out of innocent people and earning a black belt.

And let us restate that, tragically, these are people who can now eat from the Senior Menu at Denny’s.

We encourage these earnest but misguided mid-lifers to give up their verticals and carbon fiber buns and adopt proper middle-age activities and buy ClickBank products that promise Gluten Free Abs! (for just $47).

As nature meant it to be.

Remember to go here for free Hog Tweets at HogsAteMySister.

6 Responses to “Way too late to increase my vertical – or get abs of steel”

  1. slk says:

    now, now, no need for violence. i can’t dunk, i can barely make the basket and the only dribbling going on has to do with my giving birth to 4 children.

    • hams says:

      “No need for violence”. Hollow, dangerous words coming from a mid-life black belt… Amend your ways woman! Get thee to Baskin Robbins.

  2. malm says:

    In response to your mean-spirited reply. Perhaps the mediocre basketball player formerly known as Steve did plant a few of mine in the third row……..but I was NEVER rejected by a NHS girl. Rejection requires an inquiry, and I don’t remember many of those.

  3. hams says:

    I thought the basketball player formerly known as Steve, and/or “Wilt”, had rejected you on countless occasions. I must have confused him with every girl at Normal High. Have been working on the pretzel-bringing dawg. The moosedawg can do it, but he licks off all the salt and drinks the beer, so more development work is required. Since you are Stateside, perhaps you could give a do-better talk to the unnamed middle-age fitness types, e.g. Paul and Sudie. Or possibly just hit them with a nine iron.

  4. malm says:

    I too, have been disappointed in Sudie and Paul. People such as these are dangerous reminders of what we mid-lifers are capable of. And as far as “the mediocre basketball player formerly know as Steve” is concerned, I think you’re the only one he ever rejected. I remember him more as an offensive minded (ball hog) player.
    And if you have to peddle something, try to find a program that will teach one’s dog to bring the pretzels on demand.


Leave a Reply