Try to relax – ignore the al-Qaeda girdle monkey terrorists

Feeling a bit on edge?

Not to worry. Have a warm cup of coco, put your feet up, and have a nice, relaxing read about current events. Then pack your guns and children in the sports utility vehicle and head to the bunker in South Dakota because of:


The escalating arms race always worries us, so we twitched over this media headline – ‘Are Taliban training monkeys to kill US troops?’ and the photo of perhaps the ultimate guerrilla warrior. We broke out in a cold sweat when a likely al-Qaeda operative was caught smuggling 18 monkeys in a girdle.

If indeed the six-inch-long girdle monkeys were being trained by al-Qaeda, and if this captured operative is part of a force of, say, 10 million smugglers, key media speculate there are potentially 180 million terrorist monkeys in training at this very minute. Think of the potential carnage. And the banana shortage.


The global recession means that, tragically, even Hollywood A-listers (including Tom Cruise) don’t have the money to buy alligator high heels. People in the illegal alligator farming business are dumping young alligators into the streets. This alligator tsunami has already hit New York, Chicago, Brockton, MA, and the English Channel.

While the machine-gunning al-Qaeda girdle monkeys will clearly destroy the world, there are positive signs that the alligator tsunami may not. The Chicago alligator fled from an approaching duck (who may or may not have been armed… who knows what a duck is packing below the water line?). The London gator turned out to be a piece of wood which, while being far less lethal, still prompted the French to surrender.

Killer Zombi Ant Fungus

A fungus has taken over the bodies and minds of ants. Sure, this happened 48 million years ago. But if you need proof that the zombi ant fungus is still evolving and a direct threat to mankind, turn on any reality television show or visit the White House.

Imminent global nuclear war

Not satisfied with launching their strategic nuclear donkey, the Soviets are now providing fuel rods to Iran’s Bushehr nuclear plant on the Persian Gulf.

Despite assurances from the US intelligence community that the Iranians are still at least a year away from being able to create a nuclear bomb, the United Nations Security Council has called an emergency session, the 900th one this month.

We will deliver more urgent end-of-the-world news when we arrive at your bunker in South Dakota. We’ll leave as soon as we can get our next generation, ANTI al-Qaeda killer midget monkeys into our girdle. They may be our only chance to survive.

8 Responses to “Try to relax – ignore the al-Qaeda girdle monkey terrorists”

  1. kris says:

    I am noticing now?

    In between the lines of heavy vetting promises?

    That there is no email address attached to this blog. How am I to continue to harass and annoy and stalk you if you do not come out in the open where I can reach you?

    You will just have to blog more.

    Yours truly,


  2. Homeland Security says:

    The Secretary requires that subsequent communications about al-Qaeda girdle monkeys, which may or may not be armed with jello shots, be pre-vetted and cleared through Homeland Security before publication, in the interest of national security. That is all.

  3. kris says:

    OK, see?

    I am like a promotional genius up in here!

    The jello jump?

    It is a fucking GO!

    Let me know your schedule.

    I am off to buy whipped cream.

  4. Marian says:

    monkeys in girdles? what the hell is a girdle? any plots involving girdles are clearly anti-american and must be stopped. thank goodness the authorities are on this. i am relieved. thank you for the information.

    jello jumping? i'm in.

  5. sheaintheavy says:

    Man, I have been way too busy mothering to catch up on my current events.
    I feel better knowing I have clear view of what's happening in the world. Not to mention a safe haven to go to!
    Also? If you need me to make refreshment for the Naked Jello Jump, I'd be more than happy.
    I can bring Whipped Cream too.

  6. WTH am I Doing? says:

    Oooh, I've seen the zombie ant fungus on the discovery channel. I had not considered that as an explanation of American politics. But you may just have a point there.

    Also? When is the naked lime Jell-o jump happening?

  7. kris says:

    OK, how am I still the only commenter on this post?

    You, sir?

    Are not doing enough to promote yourself.

    I am thinking you should do a naked jello jump. And I will pass out business cards. I will be clothed, as I? Do not need more publicity of the whorish sort.

    That would be all sorts of awesome.

    Lime jello.

    Yes, definitely lime.

    Let's make this happen!

  8. kris says:

    OK, first off . . . I would like to order one of these girdle monkeys. Six-inch long small wiggly monkey in my pants, possibly with a banana?

    What could go wrong with that genius plan, I ask you?

    If the world is indeed ending?

    That's how I want to go out.

    Monkey blissful.

    Here's hoping your next commenter?

    Is more politically astute than I am.


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