Topple the TSA! A sure fire 10-point protest

Americans are outraged at the TSA’s groping, fondling and neck-licking – and that’s in the travel agent’s office.

Here are 10 ways to go all Gandhi and peacefully topple the TSA regime by Christmas.

TSA Protest Actions

1. Men, remember Cool Runnings? The Jamaican bobsledder who kept his lucky egg tucked under his scrotum? Henceforth, all male flyers should carry two grade A eggs in their scrotums. Won’t that be fun when the TSA scans them? Better yet, when an enhanced pat-down breaks them, yoke starts drooling down your legs, and you scream in pain, “Auuuggghhhh! You’ve broken my testicles.”

2. Women, insist that male TSA staff do your enhanced pat-down. Do everything back to them that they do to you. With a big terrorist smile on your face, say, “My, you have such a small penis. Is this the only way you can meet women?”

3. Men, insist that trans-gender TSA staff do your enhanced pat-downs. Then scream, “Owwwee. You hurt my willie! Do it again!”

4. Women, ensure that you are searched by the shaken TSA staff member who was just subjected to the “small penis” claim in item 2. This time, when he touches you, at the top of your lungs cry out, “Rape! Rape! Rape! Just kidding! Ha! Ha!”

5. Women traveling with children. When the TSA agent makes a move to touch your child, rip open you blouse and say, “Do whatever you want to me, but leave my child alone.”

6. Men traveling with children. Take the more masculine tack by saying, “If you touch my child’s private parts, I will rip your arms off and beat you with the bloody stumps. And for legal reasons, let me stress that I am only kidding. Ha.”

7. For couples. Begin to disrobe as you approach the scanning machine. Loudly announce, “We are French, and we are doing an enhanced pat-down of each other. Would anyone like to join us? Especially Licky the Anti Terror Bee. Or a trained beagle.”

8. Wear dark sunglasses and a big sign around your neck that says, “I am blind, have bubonic plague and flesh-eating bacteria.” Try to French kiss any nearby TSA agent directly on the mouth.

9. If you do NOT want to join in this peaceful protest, follow the passenger in item 8 who will be given a very wide berth.

10. Men and women, get right in the face of the TSA staff member from items 2 & 4 and proclaim, “I am from the Obama Administration and I want to have the TSA’s children. Take me now. Baby. Baby. Baby.” (Note: the Justin Bieber lyrics will cause all tweenies within 100 yards to squeal at 150 decibels, further enhancing this moment).

If enough Americans join in this passive resistance, most TSA staff will have a nervous breakdown within a week, making it MUCH easier to fly over the holidays.

For additional information about the TSA’s neck-licking protocol and beagles, click

Here for Neck-licking Anti-terror Screening
Here for Big Sis Calls Emergency Staff Meeting in Washington
Here for TSA & Hookers Battle Terrorists and Do Prostate Checks
Here for TSA Named in Class-action Paternity Suit by ACLU – “Their DNA is all over it, if you get our drift.”

Remember to go here for Hog Tweets.

12 Responses to “Topple the TSA! A sure fire 10-point protest”

  1. Legend Sands says:

    I am no longer a U.S. citizen, (personal happy choice) will not be flying a U.S. airline out of Florida to any other U.S. port, my destination is outside the U.S. I will not use the scanner and will let anyone going too far with a body search know that they are going on to dangerous territory and might get hurt. Other than that they can give me $50.00 and they can enjoy their grope for a minute!

  2. Already Fedup says:

    This is a blatant abuse of the 4th amendment. I choose not to fly, I can’t think of another definition of sexual assault, groping men’s testicles and groping women’s breasts and little boys and little girls too. This is sheer lunacy. This is about money, Mr. Chertoff has his hand in this and many other politicians are going to make millions of dollars with this. This is a sure way to have travellers not fly. These scanners are harmful to your health, they retain the images and personally, do not consent to being lied to by Janet Napolitano etc… Italy has opted out of the system. Israel does not use them and they are at risk it’s them! This is sheer lunacy and Americans have to say no. No flying for 1 week would bring the airlines to their knees. Do that instead. Stay home, stimulate your local economy, skype your loved ones and send a clear message to TSA that they are no longer wanted. The world is safe without the psychopaths in government who don’t have to go through the same as the common man. Furthermore, at least have mats so that people don’t get fungal infections, when walking through the detectors, by the way, in Japan, they give you slippers and offer to have your feet washed at Narita Airport. In Europe they don’t even ask you to remove your belt or shoes. This is a blatant lie from the TSA. This is a typical way to control us and submit to the tyrannical will of DC and their stooges. Enough, many of my Australian and New Zealand friends don’t want to fly to the US to go to the mother country, they opt instead to go through Dubai…. This is going to kill the airline industry. Praise American Airlines Chairman for standing up and stating the obvious that his pilots should not be subjected otherwise why would they fly the planes… Wake up!

  3. monkeysee says:

    How about using those special effects blood packs, taping them in the groin and chest so that they start oozing blood during the search.

    • hams says:

      A dandy idea. And do you prefer the sight gag version only? Or adding in the always fun “beeg party stun grenade and firecracker pack”? It would make traveling so much more fun. I know the TSA staff would think it a hoot.

  4. crash says:

    I suggest you add to the list: Kiss the TSA agent after the grope, telling them you always want a goodnight kiss after sex.

    • hams says:

      Added. Might possibly also ask for their hand in marriage? The TSA enhanced pat-down, in some cultures, would certainly qualify as marital relations… Or a stoning offense.

  5. hams says:

    GREAT MINDS! I almost wrote it that way but could not plagiarize Mr Carlin, who I so loved until he got bitter and twisted in the end. BTW, have you entered the free Kindle contest? At this link below… And remember, to buy a Pretty All True subscription from so you can get the free shit that you write, or at least a stripped down version (sans swoons)…

  6. kris says:

    OK, for some reason I am reminded of a George Carlin bit in which he listed things that you would never hear.

    Among them?

    “Do what you want with the girl, but leave me alone!”

    That’s my husband’s plan . . . to yell that out as he leaps over the security checkpoint and leaves me at the mercy of Licky the Anti-Terror Bee.


  7. hams says:

    Me too. Then it came to me. Like an aneurysm.

  8. malm says:

    I was curious how Justin Bieber would be mentioned in this one.

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