Top 10 Cures for Insomnia

1) Lie in bed and count Larry King’s ex-wives as they leap over his industrial strength hair.

2) Turn on the Glenn Beck program. On second thought, tune in this guy. Same programming.

3) Men, try to think of a single female politician that you’d like to have insomnia with, if you catch our drift, other than Sarah Palin. Women, try to think of a single male politician who would NOT have insomnia with you given half the chance. The swine!

4) Tivo the last episode of ‘Lost’ and try to ‘get it’. Your mind will race like a Cray supercomputer, begin to smoke, and then gently switch off.

5) Lie perfectly still. Balance an Oreo cookie on your nose.

6) Mix Tobasco and Tiger Balm. Put a big dollop directly into your eyeballs and onto your private parts. After the paramedics get you out of the tree, they will give you lovely meds to help you sleep.

7) In your mind, create claymations of Oprah, going back and forth from “little pixie Oprah” to “Moby Oprah“, and then back again. And again.

8) Place a baseball bat between you and your partner. Start singing “100 bottles of beer on the wall” or the theme from Batman (nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna Batman!” It will soon be lights out.

9) Think of the most boring teacher you ever had. Imagine being in his classroom. He is leading a panel discussion about taxation. On the panel are Paris Hilton and Joe Biden.

10) Tivo the final of American Idol and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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