‘Set to Become World’s Most Powerful Woman?’

Oh Geez, with that headline, it has to be another story about Hillary Clinton, thought I.

She’s always in the third world, doing Secretary of State stuff, trying to keep her husband away from soggy young female flood victims, and quietly sourcing sweatshop labor for her 2012 presidential run. Hillary has power, right?

Then I thought, nah, maybe the story is about Michelle Obama – she’s set to become the world’s most powerful woman. Why not? Proximity to the Oval Office means power in Washington, D.C. And Michelle trumps that. She has unlimited access to the West Wing and the Presidential Johnson. German Chancellor Angela Merkel can’t make these claims.

Or, I thought, perhaps the story was about Jasmine Villegas who, OMG, is the opening act for Justin Bieber (squeal), has kissed him in the backseat (shriek) and, DOUBLE OMG, is rumored to have proof that Bieber has no wiener (anyone surprised?). Baby baby baby dwarf boy Bieber apparently may give Jasmine half of his pop kingdom if she won’t tell his new friends, the Hooters girls, that there is no Bieber Wiener.

But even that would not give her more power than omnipresent ginormous global megaslut Lady Gaga, who recently: 1) made the shock announcement that she is in favor of gays in the military, 2) went on the MTV awards with a T-bone in her rump roast; and 3) dressed like Hillary the Dominatrix when she and her Mom visited a nursing home. It all makes for awesome tweenybopper power.

Even so, realistically, the world’s soon-to-be most powerful woman has to be Oprah Winfrey, right? She WAS the globe’s most powerful woman, thanks to her TV empire and top-secret access to the Presidential Johnson (sorry Michelle).

Of late, she’s had ratings problems and lost her network mojo. But get ready. In December, John Travolta is flying Oprah to Australia where we believe he will anoint her OprahXenu, Qantas Queen of Scientology (and the Daytime Demographics, women 25-59). Now that is serious power, folks, what with female buying power, volcanoes and Tom Cruise.

But incredibly, even unbelievably, the news story that featured the headline above was not about Hillary, Michelle, Jasmine, OprahXenu, or Gagaho.

It was about about Dilma Rousseff who (no joke), is a former resistance leader, who was tortured, and who, at 63, is expected to be elected next week to head Brazil’s 200 million people.

Without the benefit of “Hillary in 2012” signs, a meat dress, Presidential Johnson, Qantas, MTV or a cult? You mean these things aren’t what real power is about?

Go figger.

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