Oprah and volcano blow their stacks

Fox News has learned that the eruption of Iceland’s Eyjafallajokull volcano is directly linked to enraged talk show host Oprah Winfrey.

Just before the volcano exploded, the billionaire broadcaster erupted herself over release of unauthorized biographer Kitty Kelley’s latest book, ‘Oprah’.

“Make no mistake, the events are linked. Both are dark, powerful and started spewing voluminous gases and vile ash into the air at the same time. And Oprah’s name spelled backwards is Harpo (her production company), and Eyjafallajokull spelled backwards is Llukojallafajye, which is the most horrible word in our language,” says Ejnskiier Kjjkjavik, a geophysicist and broadcast expert in Iceland.

Winfrey, according to unnamed sources, hopes the ash being belched into the skies will ground Kitty Kelley, and bury Kelley’s allegations about lesbian affairs, false claims of sexual abuse, and that Winfrey and President Obama were actually conjoined twins, separated at birth.

And forensic photographic evidence shows the unquestionable relation between Winfrey and the volcano.

“Until Kelley’s unauthorized bio of Oprah falls off the best-seller list, international air travel will be in chaos. When Oprah spews, she really spews. And this isn’t skinny Oprah that spewed, this is the big one!”

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We Just Buried Cassie. Sniff.

Well, we just buried Cassie.

She almost made it to 12, despite life-long eye, skin and hip problems.

About 3am she started screaming out in pain or fear. I assumed she must have caught her toenails in the carpet and sprained or popped out one of her wonky hips.

We loaded her up with the pain meds we keep in the fridge for when her hips hurt. But she still cried and shook until finally falling asleep next to my son. But her cries of anguish or pain started again as soon as she woke up at 8am.

What to do? We knew we could not spend another thousand dollars on her at the vet. That’s what it cost to keep Ling Ling II, the other Shih Tzu alive for a year even though her heart and lungs were worn out. And economic times being what they are…

Actually, it wasn’t her hip. She’d had a major stroke. Just like Ling Ling II. I guess Cassie was crying out in pain and because she was afraid. That’s why she kept pushing herself into our laps, our scent, even though half her body was paralyzed. She needed comfort from her pack, the pack who had always made things better.

Thinking back, I suppose she must have had minor strokes over the last few weeks. That would explain her not being able to get up and down the stairs (we thought it was her hips, so we carried her); and her wandering around when she was outside to do her business, like she was lost or simply had forgotten what she was up to.

We took her to the vet, and he said she’s had a massive stroke, that she had to be put down.  So we hugged her and loved on her and said our goodbyes.  And as we held her, she got her injections that put her to sleep.

That was so very hard hard, but she was “still Cassie”; she still felt like our lovely wee dog.  But when we took her home to bury her in the backyard, her body was limp and her head rolled, lifeless. That’s when the tears really came.

So, our sweet, smelly Cassie – the happiest, most forgiving dog we ever had – is gone. She’s the fourth dog our immediate families have lost in the last three years – all between ages 11-16.

Only Buddy the Moosedawg is left, at age 12, and with a huge tumour on his belly and bad hips, so his days are numbered.

The cycle of life continues. At times it’s so sad.

Bye Cassie. We love you.

cassie in space

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ginormous Sky Fireball: I’m just sayin’…

EYEWITNESS QUOTE: “IT WAS SOMETHING ALARMING TO ME. I’VE SEEN SHOOTING STARTS BUT I’VE NEVER SEEN SOMETHING JETTING ACROSS THE SKY WITH FLAMES SHOOTING OFF OF IT.”

Is it just me, or did the ginormous fireball over several Midwestern states make you wonder whether:

– those pocket dictators in Iran and North Korea were showing off for “No Nukes Obama”?

– Des Moines’ Tea Party extravaganza was receiving a sign of approval from above?

– NASA had gone a little over-the-top celebrating the 40th anniversary of Apollo 13’s safe return?

– the Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator thingee that was guaranteed not to create a black hole or time warp or end of the world solar firestorm just might have?

– Toyota’s prototype spaceship had a slight problem with unintended acceleration?

– an old, dead, black man’s voice was about to ask, “Tiger, did you learn anything?”, followed by the planets and stars realigning to form a giant Nike Swoosh?

I’m just sayin…

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A marathon waste of time

At a time when the average American weighs approximately the same as a small pony, how can the pox of jogging still infect America?

In two weeks, 25,000 runners of all ages will run the Boston Marathon. They will cumulatively have the same body fat as one chicken enchilada with sour cream.

To enter Boston, here are the cut-off times:

– Men 18-34, 3:10:00
– Men 50-54, 3:35:00
– Men 80plus 5:00:00

What a crazy waste.

There are FAR MORE PRODUCTIVE ways for a man aged 18-34 to use three hours of his life. For example, he could:

– Shear 95 sheep

– Drive from Oklahoma City to Wichita, Kansas (I’m sure SOMEONE would want to???)

– Watch the epic three hour “Inside Gilligan’s Island: A Three Hour Tour of the Making of a Television Classic”

Now THAT’s time will spent.

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Top Secret visit by Obama

President Obama made a top secret visit to hostile territory at the weekend, speaking with soldiers and government leaders, who were asked to pass through metal detectors before the meetings.

President Obama’s visit to heavily armed Dallas, a hub of Red State anti-government activity, was meant to counter criticism that he was “holed up” in Washington and that his strategy of appeasement with Texas had failed.

“I want to send a strong message that the partnership between the United States and Texas is going to continue. We have already seen progress with respect to security around the airport. There was only limited gunfire when we landed; most from hostiles and only an insignificant amount from within Air Force One,” the President said during his “on the ground update”.

Texas Gov Rick Perry, sneaking away from Tea Party events in 17 Texas cities, met briefly with President Obama at the heavily fortified Cowboys Stadium. White House officials described the meeting as “productive and mainly positive” with “go-forward nuances” balanced with “the realities of needing medical attention”.

Word leaked out that at least one cowboy boot was hurled at the President’s head, shattering a teleprompter. This could not be confirmed, but it was noted that Gov Perry was seen leaving the meeting “with one side taller than the other and a big smile on his face.”

After numerous holes in Air Force One were repaired, and a sticker saying “Secede One” was removed from the cockpit window, President Obama flew to the relative safety of Afghanistan.

North Korea threatens ‘unprecedented nuclear strikes’. And we say…

Sir Charles Barkley:

“Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if he does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while.”

Winston Churchill (On Neville Chamberlain)

“He was given a choice between war and dishonor. He chose dishonor and he will have a war anyway.”

Gen. George Patton:

“A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed next week.”

Dirty Harry:

“Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That’s my policy.”

Ronald Reagan:

“Some people live an entire lifetime and wonder if they have ever made a difference in the world, but the Marines don’t have that problem.”

Duke Nukem:

“It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum… and I’m all outta bubble gum.”

Dick Butkus:

“I wouldn’t ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important – like a league game or something.”

Danko (Heroes):

“If you have a rabid dog, you don’t put a chain around its neck and pray for a miracle. You put it down.”

John Wayne:

“If everything isn’t black and white, I say ‘Why the hell not?'”

Darth Obama – the polls knows

A *poll of Republicans shows:

– almost a quarter think President Obama is the anti-christ

– 67% say he’s a socialist

– 57% say he’s a secret Muslim

– 99% think his wife could kick his butt

– 75% believe Elvis is still headlining in Las Vegas

– 91% shot holes in the pollsters’ notepad when asked about gun control

– 97% believe Ronald Reagan was a “Founding Father who signed the Declaration of Independence” and invented the horse

– 131% believe Fox News is a religious broadcaster

* This poll was conducted at NRA meetings, Dallas Cowboys football games, in Sarah Palin’s bedroom and on the planet Naboo.