A marathon waste of time

At a time when the average American weighs approximately the same as a small pony, how can the pox of jogging still infect America?

In two weeks, 25,000 runners of all ages will run the Boston Marathon. They will cumulatively have the same body fat as one chicken enchilada with sour cream.

To enter Boston, here are the cut-off times:

– Men 18-34, 3:10:00
– Men 50-54, 3:35:00
– Men 80plus 5:00:00

What a crazy waste.

There are FAR MORE PRODUCTIVE ways for a man aged 18-34 to use three hours of his life. For example, he could:

– Shear 95 sheep

– Drive from Oklahoma City to Wichita, Kansas (I’m sure SOMEONE would want to???)

– Watch the epic three hour “Inside Gilligan’s Island: A Three Hour Tour of the Making of a Television Classic”

Now THAT’s time will spent.


Top Secret visit by Obama

President Obama made a top secret visit to hostile territory at the weekend, speaking with soldiers and government leaders, who were asked to pass through metal detectors before the meetings.

President Obama’s visit to heavily armed Dallas, a hub of Red State anti-government activity, was meant to counter criticism that he was “holed up” in Washington and that his strategy of appeasement with Texas had failed.

“I want to send a strong message that the partnership between the United States and Texas is going to continue. We have already seen progress with respect to security around the airport. There was only limited gunfire when we landed; most from hostiles and only an insignificant amount from within Air Force One,” the President said during his “on the ground update”.

Texas Gov Rick Perry, sneaking away from Tea Party events in 17 Texas cities, met briefly with President Obama at the heavily fortified Cowboys Stadium. White House officials described the meeting as “productive and mainly positive” with “go-forward nuances” balanced with “the realities of needing medical attention”.

Word leaked out that at least one cowboy boot was hurled at the President’s head, shattering a teleprompter. This could not be confirmed, but it was noted that Gov Perry was seen leaving the meeting “with one side taller than the other and a big smile on his face.”

After numerous holes in Air Force One were repaired, and a sticker saying “Secede One” was removed from the cockpit window, President Obama flew to the relative safety of Afghanistan.

North Korea threatens ‘unprecedented nuclear strikes’. And we say…

Sir Charles Barkley:

“Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if he does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while.”

Winston Churchill (On Neville Chamberlain)

“He was given a choice between war and dishonor. He chose dishonor and he will have a war anyway.”

Gen. George Patton:

“A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed next week.”

Dirty Harry:

“Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That’s my policy.”

Ronald Reagan:

“Some people live an entire lifetime and wonder if they have ever made a difference in the world, but the Marines don’t have that problem.”

Duke Nukem:

“It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum… and I’m all outta bubble gum.”

Dick Butkus:

“I wouldn’t ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important – like a league game or something.”

Danko (Heroes):

“If you have a rabid dog, you don’t put a chain around its neck and pray for a miracle. You put it down.”

John Wayne:

“If everything isn’t black and white, I say ‘Why the hell not?'”

Darth Obama – the polls knows

A *poll of Republicans shows:

– almost a quarter think President Obama is the anti-christ

– 67% say he’s a socialist

– 57% say he’s a secret Muslim

– 99% think his wife could kick his butt

– 75% believe Elvis is still headlining in Las Vegas

– 91% shot holes in the pollsters’ notepad when asked about gun control

– 97% believe Ronald Reagan was a “Founding Father who signed the Declaration of Independence” and invented the horse

– 131% believe Fox News is a religious broadcaster

* This poll was conducted at NRA meetings, Dallas Cowboys football games, in Sarah Palin’s bedroom and on the planet Naboo.

Ringside with Republican firebrand Ann Coulter and President Obama

ANN COULTER: President Obama, I thought you were a radical, Muslim, socialist. I apologize, I was wrong. You are clearly a Canadian mind-controller at the University of Ottama, I mean Ottawa. What’s a free speech girl to do? I should have shoved a stiletto heel up the Provost’s A’Houle’s.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: In days and years to come, the Canadian people can stand tall, be proud, and recall this historic victory of right over wrong, of good over evil, of A’Houles over Ho’bitches.

ANN COULTER: Canada, the Democrats’ Double-A Farm Team in the Liberal Socialist Pinko Girlie League, shut down free speech faster than Michelle Obama can snork down a $300 fancy French meal. Faster than she can slip into a $7,000 dress for a cover photo with Oprah. Faster than she can procure condoms for thousands of innocent young girls …

PRESIDENT OBAMA: In 1000 years, historians, though clinical and taciturn by training, will shake their heads in awe at how America created a national healthcare plan, against all odds, that will stand throughout the ages – a testament to the greatness of freedom and power of the human spirit. Yes we can. And my wife could snap your scrawny bitch neck like a pencil.

ANN COULTER: I admire your wife’s arms and stress that it’s a total coincidence that she has the same fitness coach as Barry Bonds. I especially admire the sleeveless burqua she wore while fundraising for the Gay Lesbian Transgender Liberal Abortion Gun Control Cabal. She is such a role model.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: A billion galaxies away, democratic life forms are marveling at this day, when a portal into time and space was opened by courageous men and women of all races, who set aside political differences and turned their gaze upward to Allah, I mean, Heaven, and wondered, “was that Coulter slut the progeny of an Avatar and a Q-Tip or what?”…

Get Rich Websites – a pox upon the dweebs

To get rich, all I have to do is:

– start a website for less than $10 and generate HUGE traffic by using 17 incredible proven strategies that only cost $299, no wait, $199, no, $99, no just $10.99 today only!

– really, truly, emotionally believe I have TOO MUCH money instead of NOT BLOODY ENOUGH; then I’ll start vibrating on the money frequency and the universe will provide it to me in actual bales.

– open my junk mail folder, buy cheap and wonderful penis pills, and I will be so HUGE that I’ll become a wealthy legend if not a national park.

PT Barnum got it in one. There’s a sucker born every minute.

Ka-ching Tiger the Cheetah

The crowd at Augusta has old-money tact, so no-one will be screaming “Just do it, Cheetah, er… Tiger.”

Or re-telling Tiger jokes (… Did you hear that Phil Mickelson called Erin Nordegren to ask for tips about beating Tiger…)

They’ll be watching the greatest golfer of all time, along with a TV audience that will be in the BILLIONS – possibly the biggest audience of all times.

If at the end of the Masters tourney Tiger has not throttled anyone or shot in the 90s, and if it’s true that his wife is living under the same roof, the value of Brand Tiger will be exponentially MORE than it was B.H. (before the ho’s).

Americans love a fallen, wounded, recovering hero. Especially if he’s the best.

Men will still love Tiger’s game and will buy whatever he endorses. Probably few women will hate Tiger for what he’s done, especially if he is sincere about trying to stay out of the rough, so to speak.

That means the sound of cash registers ringing will be echoing down the fairways at Augusta.

But if he falls again…