10 evil wishes for the internet repairman

Not that I am unhappy with the internet man… Oh no. I’ve enjoyed being handcuffed at home for 1 1/2 days, waiting… for him… to fix my internet connection… actually refix it… because he ‘fixed it’ last night… or not so much.

So I hereby offer 10 heartfelt wishes for my internet company.

1) I wish they would get life in the electric chair.

2) I wish they would be told the technician will turn off their electric chair sometime before 7pm, so they shouldn’t go anywhere.

3) I wish their management ongoing success as they continue to also manage the French World Cup soccer team.

4) I wish that their virginal 14-year-old daughters go on the road with best friend Miley Cyrus…

5) I wish that they personally lose the next iPhone prototype and get to experience Steve Jobs eating their liver.

6) I wish them to be force-fed nuclear hot Indian currie and gallons of peppermint Schnaps and Milk of Magnesia.

7) I wish that Jack Bauer believes they killed his girlfriend. DAMMIT.

8) I wish that BP be responsible for their swimming pool.

9) I wish that at every future dinner party, they sit with VP Joe Biden, Ozzy Osbourne and the people who make infomercials.

10)And I wish that readers would leave their personal wishes for their internet provider in comments below…


10 reasons why World Cup "Football" will NEVER make it big in America

1) Soccer has finally “come out” and confirmed it is a gay sport.

2) Americans don’t give up. France became the first team in World Cup history to surrender.

3) Americans like collision sports (football) and even contact sports (basketball) but not “beautiful” sports.

4) Miley Cyrus would be a soccer WAG, if she had at least one pair of knickers.

5) “Major” world countries like “Cameroon” are among the best in the soccer world. (Note: at least one World Cup team, Paraguay, would be attractive to red blooded Americans.)

6) No soccer player looks like he will eat your children.

7) Americans believe in celebrating a SCORE but within reason.

8) The Rugby World Cup is held every four years in some stupid, foreign country.

9) How can you scream at the ump if 100,000 vuvuzelas are going BWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?

10) This is soccer fan food. THIS is the American football, basketball, baseball and hockey fan food.


Cons Clip Fed Funds

As a hard-working American, you will be pleased that your elected officials have not been so over-burdened with two wars, the BP oil spill and normal everyday sex scandals that they have been unable to do what you sent them to Washington to do.

No, they have been fully focused on solving the housing crisis for YOU the taxpayer … and for 1,300 prison inmates.

While it could be said that as prisoners, these 1,300 men already have a home, your elected officials wanted better for them.

The inmates, including 241 who are serving life sentences, claimed they had purchased homes and received more than $9.1 million in tax credits.

The Obama Administration reacted quickly to this “hiccup in an otherwise stupendously successful federal program,” directing the IRS to “tidy things up”.

“The IRS will follow up on every instance of improper prisoner payment and take swift and appropriate enforcement actions. In many cases, this will find the inmates being housed in 5-star hotels while they are tried for crimes that could put them in prison… where they are now… never mind…”

While this first-time home buyer program has well served these inmates, and another of the nation’s underprivileged classes, realtors, it, sadly, was not able to address a housing tragedy in Orlando.

A $75 million mansion is having to be sold “as is”, after timeshare tycoon David Siegel halted construction of “Versailles” due to the recession.

Versailles may be the largest home in the U.S. at 90,000 square feet, with 13 bedrooms, 23 bathrooms, a 20-car garage, a baseball field and two-story movie theatre, but it does NOT have carpet, tiles or interior walls. The new owners will have to finish the home, which is just down the street from Tiger Woods’ Orlando mansion.

The Obama Administration and California state housing officials are working to prevent yet another housing crisis.

Meanwhile, reports are circulating amongst Pasadena realtors that a group of wealthy real estate investors – “N. Jail Inc.” – have made a $9.1 million down payment on Versailles and are in discussions with Bernie Madoff to finance the remainder.

Obama, Oprah and Mandela on the Line

President: Get me ‘O’ on the phone.

White House Operator: Obama?

President: I’M Obama. Get me the other ‘O’ – Oprah.

White House Operator: Oh.

RING RING RING

O: Hello Barack, you been kicking anyone’s ass this morning?

President: Very funny. You should be on television. Look, I need to get media off the BP thing. Any ideas?

O: Invite Princess Fergie to the White House. Get her all likkered up. Give her a briefcase full of cash. That ought to do it.

President: This is not very productive.

O: Rush Limbaugh would say that about your first year in office. What about soccer? Go to South Africa and meet with Mandela.

President: I like that. We can do live remotes to your show, right?

O: Sure. Just get Mandela. Or Justin Bieber. Or Fergie.

President. I can get Mandela. Not sure about Bieber. Can’t afford Fergie.

O: Ha. You should be on television. Chow.

CLICK

President: Get me M.

White House Operator: Michelle?

President: Mandela.

White House Operator: Putting you through now.

Mandela: Hello Oprah dear. How are you doing?

President: It’s Barack.

Mandela: silence

President: The other ‘O’… President Obama.

Mandela: Of course. Barack, my boy, how are you?

President: In need of some good PR. Can we meet at the World Cup?

Mandela: No, I’m too busy meeting with Justin Bieber and Fergie.

President: silence

Mandela: Got ya! ‘O’ texted me before you called. She sends her love. Ha.

President: You should be on television.

Mandela: You, too. And judging by your approval ratings, you’ll have your own show in 2012…

C

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Oprah and Fergie’s Phone Tap Scandal

(May 2010)

Oprah: Sarah dear, what on earth were you thinking?

Fergie: Stand in line, Oprah. Go ahead and beat me up. I’ve been bagged by every journalist in the UK.

Oprah: And shagged by every sailor in Wales!

Fergie: Well, it takes a tart to know a tart… So what am I going to do now? My attorneys say I have to give back all the cash. That bloody bank transfer isn’t going to happen. I have to move out of Andrew’s house. And the only asset I have left is the ranch in Argen-freeking-tina. My sponsors have abandoned me as if I were a scandal slut like Tiger Woods.

Oprah: Not to worry, Sarah honey. Here’s what we’re going to do. You’ll come on my show all fat and depressed. Really pig out for a few weeks and let your skin go blotchy. We’ll get you on the show and, bang, start with your huge, teary mea culpa. We’ll grab the audience by the throat at the top of the show. So wear lots of mascara, Sarah. And practice crying on demand. Big boo-hoos.

Fergie: Lots of mascara and practice crying, right-o.

Oprah: After the first ad break, will replay your and Andrew’s Royal marriage and then show heaps of footage of you and Princess Diana. We’ll really play on the public’s love for Di, the skinny cow. I did NOT say that. After the second break we’ll talk about your dire finances, how your daughters are such good girls and they’re suffering so much. Boo hoo, more tears. More runny mascara. Think Tammy Faye Baker.

Fergie: After all those tears, I’ll be dehydrated. Can we drink champers during the show? That would be a big help.

Oprah: Nope, the FCC would have a cow. Besides, you need to be distraught, all pitiful and hugg-able, not a drunken sow. We’ll get sloshed after the show, don’t you worry about that.

Fergie: Oh, very well. But what about money? How much will this net me? We’re friends, Oprah, but this is business, and I’m really in the schtuck.

Oprah: Plenty. My people will work out the details. Let’s just worry about you being pathetic – tears and mascara and blotchy skin. My viewers will forgive anything if you are fat and have blotchy skin!

Fergie: In honesty, O, I still don’t see the big deal about selling an introduction to Andrew. I’ve been doing it for 20 years. I didn’t do anything vulgar, like outing Andrew as a poof. I’d never do that… Should I do that on your show? Out him? Would that rate? How much would that be worth?

Oprah: Let me think about that. We’d gain big in the 18-49 demographic. We’d pull a 5.9 or 6 and sucker punch Judge Judy! Cow. But the Queen would have our guts for garters. No, let’s not ‘out’ Andrew. But maybe in a few weeks he could come on my show and out himself. No THAT would rate! Sarah, how much would you need to arrange that with old Randy Andy?

Fergie: At least $50,000 in cash, and then a wire transfer of half a million, I mean a million. That’s sort of my going rate. And, O, you’ve got to promise that you won’t do any secret filming about the money, OK?

Oprah: Sarah dear, of course we’d never do that. So, I’ll see you next week. Eat a lot of chocolate and really blob out, sweetheart. You need to be Princess Pathetic. See you then. Mwah.

Oprah hangs up and calls in her assistant.

Oprah: Make sure the surveillance cameras in the green room are HDTV. No wait! Install the new 3-D gear. Just imagine Fergie and her briefcase full of cash in 3-D. Now that would blow Judge Judy right off her bench. Cow.

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Top 10 Cures for Insomnia

1) Lie in bed and count Larry King’s ex-wives as they leap over his industrial strength hair.

2) Turn on the Glenn Beck program. On second thought, tune in this guy. Same programming.

3) Men, try to think of a single female politician that you’d like to have insomnia with, if you catch our drift, other than Sarah Palin. Women, try to think of a single male politician who would NOT have insomnia with you given half the chance. The swine!

4) Tivo the last episode of ‘Lost’ and try to ‘get it’. Your mind will race like a Cray supercomputer, begin to smoke, and then gently switch off.

5) Lie perfectly still. Balance an Oreo cookie on your nose.

6) Mix Tobasco and Tiger Balm. Put a big dollop directly into your eyeballs and onto your private parts. After the paramedics get you out of the tree, they will give you lovely meds to help you sleep.

7) In your mind, create claymations of Oprah, going back and forth from “little pixie Oprah” to “Moby Oprah“, and then back again. And again.

8) Place a baseball bat between you and your partner. Start singing “100 bottles of beer on the wall” or the theme from Batman (nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna Batman!” It will soon be lights out.

9) Think of the most boring teacher you ever had. Imagine being in his classroom. He is leading a panel discussion about taxation. On the panel are Paris Hilton and Joe Biden.

10) Tivo the final of American Idol and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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10 Things to do on a Crappy, Rainy Day

It’s dark and rainy and crappy outside. What to do?

1) Watch “how to be a blog millionaire” videos on the internet until you want to nuke all internet Wunderkinds.

2) Use your Swiss Army knife to try and scrape off that bump rash thing behind your knee that will NOT go away, despite visits to the skin doctor and buckets of high-cost creams.

3) Go to Facebook. Keep clicking on friends’ friends’ until you find someone who is a friend of Brett Favre. If you do it in less than 20 clicks, you are a sick person.

4) Listen to the Dean the Stream radio interview and learn everything you ever wanted to know about the mentality of TV sportscasters. (Really, listen to it all.)

5) Google ‘Larry King ex-wives’, ponder why blondes are dumb as rope, and then understand all by reading this.

6) Entertain yourself by putting the names of former girlfriends into an internet anagram website until it kicks out ‘slut’ or another dirty word.

7) Brainstorm painful things to do to BP execs, starting with ‘A’ (annihilate arseholes) – bonus points for two words with the same letter — and ending with ‘Z’ (Zip them up in large oil spill bags and drop them into the ocean, still dressed in their $2,000 suits).

8) Google ‘Will Rogers Quotes‘ and try to hold your breath until one of them makes you smile. Then wonder how come you don’t know more about him, and how on earth he could be from Oklahoma.

9) Spend 5 minutes trying to think of ANY WAY POSSIBLE to make the American Idol final WORSE than it was this year. This is, of course, impossible, but a way to stimulate your brain that’s as effective as playing with a Rubik’s Cube or scraping your bump rash thing with a Swiss Army knife.

10) Start the clock. See how long you can go without touching your computer, cellphone/Blackberry, TV, IPod, stereo, or scratching your privates. If you can’t last 5 minutes acknowledge that your life REALLY NEEDS WORK.

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