Try to relax – ignore the al-Qaeda girdle monkey terrorists

Feeling a bit on edge?

Not to worry. Have a warm cup of coco, put your feet up, and have a nice, relaxing read about current events. Then pack your guns and children in the sports utility vehicle and head to the bunker in South Dakota because of:

Monkeys.

The escalating arms race always worries us, so we twitched over this media headline – ‘Are Taliban training monkeys to kill US troops?’ and the photo of perhaps the ultimate guerrilla warrior. We broke out in a cold sweat when a likely al-Qaeda operative was caught smuggling 18 monkeys in a girdle.

If indeed the six-inch-long girdle monkeys were being trained by al-Qaeda, and if this captured operative is part of a force of, say, 10 million smugglers, key media speculate there are potentially 180 million terrorist monkeys in training at this very minute. Think of the potential carnage. And the banana shortage.

Gators

The global recession means that, tragically, even Hollywood A-listers (including Tom Cruise) don’t have the money to buy alligator high heels. People in the illegal alligator farming business are dumping young alligators into the streets. This alligator tsunami has already hit New York, Chicago, Brockton, MA, and the English Channel.

While the machine-gunning al-Qaeda girdle monkeys will clearly destroy the world, there are positive signs that the alligator tsunami may not. The Chicago alligator fled from an approaching duck (who may or may not have been armed… who knows what a duck is packing below the water line?). The London gator turned out to be a piece of wood which, while being far less lethal, still prompted the French to surrender.

Killer Zombi Ant Fungus

A fungus has taken over the bodies and minds of ants. Sure, this happened 48 million years ago. But if you need proof that the zombi ant fungus is still evolving and a direct threat to mankind, turn on any reality television show or visit the White House.

Imminent global nuclear war

Not satisfied with launching their strategic nuclear donkey, the Soviets are now providing fuel rods to Iran’s Bushehr nuclear plant on the Persian Gulf.

Despite assurances from the US intelligence community that the Iranians are still at least a year away from being able to create a nuclear bomb, the United Nations Security Council has called an emergency session, the 900th one this month.

We will deliver more urgent end-of-the-world news when we arrive at your bunker in South Dakota. We’ll leave as soon as we can get our next generation, ANTI al-Qaeda killer midget monkeys into our girdle. They may be our only chance to survive.


Shocking Gallup Poll Leads Rupert Murdock to Lady Gaga’s Thighs

A shocking Gallup poll shows that only 25% of Americans have a “great deal” or “quite a lot” of confidence in newspaper or television news, a 50% drop since 1995.

Young Americans are now getting most of their “trusted” news from Facebook and celebrity tattoos.

Young people – defined as the “21’s”, eg younger than 21, having at least 21 sexual partners and STDs, or owning at least 21 cell phones – have the lowest trust and attention span.

Newspaper readership among the 21’s has reached rock bottom. In fact, only 3% of 21’s have “read or come in contact with” a printed newspaper in the previous 12 months.

“I picked up a free newspaper once to wipe a Coke Zero spill off my iPad, and I got ink on my fingers. Ink! It was like, ewww, my iPad!” said one of those surveyed.

Rupert Murdoch, the 900-year-old owner of most of the world’s bankrupt newspapers, dismissed the Gallup research as “bobby socks and poppycock”.

“Our research shows that most young people, 900 percent I think, trust me and my newspapers, and they absolutely plan to *buy my newspapers.”

* at least once before they die, possibly wrapping takeaway fish and chips

To increase trust and readership in the 21’s demographic, Murdoch is negotiating with Lady Gaga over rights to her thighs.

“The negotiations include all areas in close proximity to her girly bits, which are exposed to billions of young people every day through actual physical contact and, to a lesser extent, the global media.

“There are some formatting issues, and we’ll have to limit stories to 3-5 words, but we’re confident the ‘Gaga medium’ will tap into the lucrative 21’s demographic,” said a Murdoch spokeswoman, adding that the 21’s account for 99% of Apple sales, despite none of them having an actual job.


Lady Gaga 7-day Scandal Forecast – Doing Everything Slutty Everywhere

Hyperbolic megastar Lady Gaga had a lazy weekend, leading at Lollapalooza, pipping Usain Bolt at the tape in Stockholm, holing out ahead of Tiger at Bridgestone, saving mankind by repelling the solar tsunami and hatching baby owlettes live at the Owl Box.

“I so wanted to sunbathe with Michelle Obama in Spain and expose my vagina on WikiLeaks, but I just couldn’t tear myself away from the baby owls. I was in an egg myself once, and I still love to cover my Lady Bits with feathers.”

Gaga’s 7-day media forecast includes:

– birthing Motorola’s new Droid 2 cellphone live on CNN and GagaNet (Parental discretion advised).

– leading a “save the penguins” global enviro-event live on the massive ice chunk that has broken away from Greenland, at Gaga’s request.

– headlining the live re-enactment of Chelsea and Marc Clinton’s wedding.

– visiting Hannah Montana tryouts in 50 states to coach 5- to 7-year old girls on make-up, underwear and being true to their own tri-sexuality.

– being appointed the new CEO of HP, and immediately announcing a new corporate policy on silicone top-ups and sexual harassment of men, women and owls.

– shockingly quitting HP to accept the role as White House Chief Adviser on Economics (“I believe that being true to yourself will turn our nation’s economy around – that and miles of latex and my uber virginity”).

– chairing the Iranian Revolutionary Council and launching her new line of see-through nuclear gaga-burqas.

– saving thousands of fans trapped by floods in Pakistan, and releasing her new “Pash me in Paki” CD.

– hosting the Academy Awards, Emmies, Razzies, Lezzies, Super Bowl, World Series and Nobel Peace Prize events.

– single handedly preventing the Earth from falling off its axis and ending life as we know it.

– bringing Michael Jackson back from the dead.

“I hope my fans can forgive me for taking it easy this week. Birthing the owls was so emotional that I need to recharge, which is why the sun is having another solar tsu-gaga-nami in my vagina.”

I’m Fabulously Rich! A Prominent Law Partner from Portugal Says So! Woot!

Everyone I know has already received millions from Publishers Clearing House or squillions from Nigerian bankers. I’ve seen their letters. But for me? Not a sausage. Until now!

I just received an official letter – posted, not emailed, it’s so official – from Dan Ricardo, Ricardo & Associates, “Litigation & Corporate LLM”, who is an expert in corporate and legal claims.

Dan Ricardo’s client, miraculously, in total serendipity, deposited $32 million USD “at the vault of a financial institution here in Portugal.” Alas, he or she left no Will at the time of his or her death (Interstate) in March 2007.

In a brilliant stroke of luck for me, and I quote exactly from Dan’s official letter, “because of the international financial crises, allot of reform has been made within the Portuguese Financial system, this includes the new law on succession/claims which indicates a duration in which such inheritance could be tolerated.”

Dan Ricardo, who is “legally equipped with all necessary information/documentations concerning this fund,” is prepared to give me 40% of the $32 million USD), keep 40% for himself (fair is fair), and give 20% to a charity in Portugal. Or “your country”!

What a genuine, generous guy, is our Dan, Prominent Law Partner!

I know you are suspicious, thinking this is a Nigerian type scam. You are so cynical and so wrong. I’ll give you four reasons.

First, Dan Ricardo is from Portugal (which was ranked 8th by FIFA and Coca-Cola following the World Cup), not from a corrupt backwater country like Nigeria (which was rated a lousy 30th by FIFA).

Second, those Nigerian scamsters always ask you to give THEM money before they give YOU money. Dan Ricardo, who I will remind you is a Prominent Law Partner with Ricardo & Associates (whose logo is the Scales of Justice), has not asked me for a bean.

Third, Dan Ricardo is willing to give $6.4 million USD of our shared fortune to charity, and he is not required to do that by Portugal’s “allot of reform”. He is just a humanitarian. (Muy bueno, Dan!)

Fourth, it is Dan Ricardo’s “concern to demand (my) ultimate honesty, co-operation and confidentiality.” And he means this, deeply, from the bottom of his heart. I can just tell.

As you would expect, Dan Ricardo, a Partner in a MAJOR Portuguese law firm (remember the Scales of Justice logo), is a busy man. He is presently in their Barcelona office. Immediately after I contact him by fax or email, he will advise “how this could be concluded”. And, don’t worry, he GUARANTEES that this process will be “executed under a legitimate arrangement that would legally protect (me) from any breach of law.”

But wait, there’s more!

Not only did Dan Ricardo, Prominent Law Partner, send me ONE of these $32 million USD letters. He sent me TWO!

Even though neither has my name spelled exactly right — in fact, the second one is addressed to someone in another city with another name — Dan Ricardo has guaranteed this “legitimate arrangement”. He has provided his contact numbers (Private Number +3519111 7238), office (+3493545317-Ext5), fax (+34 933 807 49 OR +34954 322 22) and his email addresses ([email protected] or [email protected]

How legit is that?

I know that my friends will all be toasting my incredible good fortune! I ask each of you to suggest which charities in Portugal or New Zealand should receive the $12.8 million USD (from two letters, remember).

And I would be willing to bet that Dan Ricardo, Prominent Law Partner that he is, would allow us to donate to charities in other countries as well. He probably would even be happy to talk to you, and keep your contact details on file, just in case one of your relatives should be his client, die (Interstate), and have no Will.

He’s that kind of guy.

Lindsay Lohan: 10 reasons why I love being in jail!

1) I look so effing hot in orange! Boilermaker suits rock!

2) Being with all these jail girls makes Sam sooo jealous! Bitch!

3) I own Twitter! Miley who? Paris WHO?

4) No ankle bracelet!

5) Reality TV here I come! My show? How about ‘Get out of jail free’!

6) Lockdown! I love to cause them! Lockdown! Lockdown! Lockdown! I rock!

7) Stick, the ‘girl next door’, is giving me a jail tattoo! With prison ink! Wicked!

8) No makeup. No knickers. No paparazzi. No life :-{

9) I hope they’ll let my sweet, caring, wonderful Daddy come for a sleep-over! For like 20 years!

10) Only five more sleeps until I get out! Better than Christmas! Wicked!

Wrinkles Offer No Protection Against Crime or STDs. Ewwww.

We are pleased to report that the world’s oldest woman (no, not Joan Rivers) has just turned 130 in the Soviet Republic of Georgia.

But we feel obligated to warn Antisa Khvichava that her health and longevity could be at risk because many of her fellow senior citizens are simply behaving badly.

Take John “Sonny” Franzese for example.

Sonny, 93, was convicted last week in New York of racketeering and conspiracy. Never mind that he was nicknamed “Nod Father” by the Daily News because he kept falling asleep during his trial. The court heard that he shook down strip clubs and pizzerias, was once a friend of Frank “Currently Dead But Still the Greatest” Sinatra and had a stake in the classic porn film “Death Throat”.

We don’t know whether Sonny also likes to shake down the ladies. But cases of STDs are exploding amongst the senior set, thanks to the tidal wave of Viagra drugs and an epidemic of unprotected, and very wrinkled, senior sex.

Ewwww.

A disturbing Reuters news report – which actually uses “annals”, “swelling” and “up” in a story about senior citizens and STDs – warns that the number of new cases of STDs per 10,000 men over age 40 was up almost 50% since 1996.

Dr. Anupam B. Jena of Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, who led this study, says that older men on erectile dysfunction drugs are twice as likely to contract an STD as older men who didn’t take them (the “limp noodle” control group).

We can have great confidence in Dr Jena’s expertise in this area because the letters in her name can be re-arranged to spell “Aha Jab Men Up” and “Pajama Bun Eh”.

Clearly, the number of sexy seniors likely to rise (HAR) to 130 years old will drop off (HAR) if this wanton sexual behavior continues.

Are you listening Larry King? Ewwww.

Iran Robot Just like Sony’s, if You Don’t Count the Nukes

Iran has developed a human-like robot for “sensitive jobs,” according to a government newspaper.

Soorena-2, named after an ancient Persian warrior, was unveiled by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is slightly taller than the “4.7 feet” robot.

“Walking slowly like human beings with regular arm and leg movements are among its characteristics,” the report said. “Such robots are designed and developed to be used in sensitive and difficult jobs on behalf of a person or as help.”

The report did not elaborate on the robot’s additional “capabilities“.

Iran has pursued a number of scientific projects but has come under increasing international pressure over its controversial nuclear programme.