I’m Fabulously Rich! A Prominent Law Partner from Portugal Says So! Woot!

Everyone I know has already received millions from Publishers Clearing House or squillions from Nigerian bankers. I’ve seen their letters. But for me? Not a sausage. Until now!

I just received an official letter – posted, not emailed, it’s so official – from Dan Ricardo, Ricardo & Associates, “Litigation & Corporate LLM”, who is an expert in corporate and legal claims.

Dan Ricardo’s client, miraculously, in total serendipity, deposited $32 million USD “at the vault of a financial institution here in Portugal.” Alas, he or she left no Will at the time of his or her death (Interstate) in March 2007.

In a brilliant stroke of luck for me, and I quote exactly from Dan’s official letter, “because of the international financial crises, allot of reform has been made within the Portuguese Financial system, this includes the new law on succession/claims which indicates a duration in which such inheritance could be tolerated.”

Dan Ricardo, who is “legally equipped with all necessary information/documentations concerning this fund,” is prepared to give me 40% of the $32 million USD), keep 40% for himself (fair is fair), and give 20% to a charity in Portugal. Or “your country”!

What a genuine, generous guy, is our Dan, Prominent Law Partner!

I know you are suspicious, thinking this is a Nigerian type scam. You are so cynical and so wrong. I’ll give you four reasons.

First, Dan Ricardo is from Portugal (which was ranked 8th by FIFA and Coca-Cola following the World Cup), not from a corrupt backwater country like Nigeria (which was rated a lousy 30th by FIFA).

Second, those Nigerian scamsters always ask you to give THEM money before they give YOU money. Dan Ricardo, who I will remind you is a Prominent Law Partner with Ricardo & Associates (whose logo is the Scales of Justice), has not asked me for a bean.

Third, Dan Ricardo is willing to give $6.4 million USD of our shared fortune to charity, and he is not required to do that by Portugal’s “allot of reform”. He is just a humanitarian. (Muy bueno, Dan!)

Fourth, it is Dan Ricardo’s “concern to demand (my) ultimate honesty, co-operation and confidentiality.” And he means this, deeply, from the bottom of his heart. I can just tell.

As you would expect, Dan Ricardo, a Partner in a MAJOR Portuguese law firm (remember the Scales of Justice logo), is a busy man. He is presently in their Barcelona office. Immediately after I contact him by fax or email, he will advise “how this could be concluded”. And, don’t worry, he GUARANTEES that this process will be “executed under a legitimate arrangement that would legally protect (me) from any breach of law.”

But wait, there’s more!

Not only did Dan Ricardo, Prominent Law Partner, send me ONE of these $32 million USD letters. He sent me TWO!

Even though neither has my name spelled exactly right — in fact, the second one is addressed to someone in another city with another name — Dan Ricardo has guaranteed this “legitimate arrangement”. He has provided his contact numbers (Private Number +3519111 7238), office (+3493545317-Ext5), fax (+34 933 807 49 OR +34954 322 22) and his email addresses ([email protected] or [email protected]

How legit is that?

I know that my friends will all be toasting my incredible good fortune! I ask each of you to suggest which charities in Portugal or New Zealand should receive the $12.8 million USD (from two letters, remember).

And I would be willing to bet that Dan Ricardo, Prominent Law Partner that he is, would allow us to donate to charities in other countries as well. He probably would even be happy to talk to you, and keep your contact details on file, just in case one of your relatives should be his client, die (Interstate), and have no Will.

He’s that kind of guy.

Lindsay Lohan: 10 reasons why I love being in jail!

1) I look so effing hot in orange! Boilermaker suits rock!

2) Being with all these jail girls makes Sam sooo jealous! Bitch!

3) I own Twitter! Miley who? Paris WHO?

4) No ankle bracelet!

5) Reality TV here I come! My show? How about ‘Get out of jail free’!

6) Lockdown! I love to cause them! Lockdown! Lockdown! Lockdown! I rock!

7) Stick, the ‘girl next door’, is giving me a jail tattoo! With prison ink! Wicked!

8) No makeup. No knickers. No paparazzi. No life :-{

9) I hope they’ll let my sweet, caring, wonderful Daddy come for a sleep-over! For like 20 years!

10) Only five more sleeps until I get out! Better than Christmas! Wicked!

Wrinkles Offer No Protection Against Crime or STDs. Ewwww.

We are pleased to report that the world’s oldest woman (no, not Joan Rivers) has just turned 130 in the Soviet Republic of Georgia.

But we feel obligated to warn Antisa Khvichava that her health and longevity could be at risk because many of her fellow senior citizens are simply behaving badly.

Take John “Sonny” Franzese for example.

Sonny, 93, was convicted last week in New York of racketeering and conspiracy. Never mind that he was nicknamed “Nod Father” by the Daily News because he kept falling asleep during his trial. The court heard that he shook down strip clubs and pizzerias, was once a friend of Frank “Currently Dead But Still the Greatest” Sinatra and had a stake in the classic porn film “Death Throat”.

We don’t know whether Sonny also likes to shake down the ladies. But cases of STDs are exploding amongst the senior set, thanks to the tidal wave of Viagra drugs and an epidemic of unprotected, and very wrinkled, senior sex.


A disturbing Reuters news report – which actually uses “annals”, “swelling” and “up” in a story about senior citizens and STDs – warns that the number of new cases of STDs per 10,000 men over age 40 was up almost 50% since 1996.

Dr. Anupam B. Jena of Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, who led this study, says that older men on erectile dysfunction drugs are twice as likely to contract an STD as older men who didn’t take them (the “limp noodle” control group).

We can have great confidence in Dr Jena’s expertise in this area because the letters in her name can be re-arranged to spell “Aha Jab Men Up” and “Pajama Bun Eh”.

Clearly, the number of sexy seniors likely to rise (HAR) to 130 years old will drop off (HAR) if this wanton sexual behavior continues.

Are you listening Larry King? Ewwww.

Iran Robot Just like Sony’s, if You Don’t Count the Nukes

Iran has developed a human-like robot for “sensitive jobs,” according to a government newspaper.

Soorena-2, named after an ancient Persian warrior, was unveiled by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is slightly taller than the “4.7 feet” robot.

“Walking slowly like human beings with regular arm and leg movements are among its characteristics,” the report said. “Such robots are designed and developed to be used in sensitive and difficult jobs on behalf of a person or as help.”

The report did not elaborate on the robot’s additional “capabilities“.

Iran has pursued a number of scientific projects but has come under increasing international pressure over its controversial nuclear programme.

10 evil wishes for the internet repairman

Not that I am unhappy with the internet man… Oh no. I’ve enjoyed being handcuffed at home for 1 1/2 days, waiting… for him… to fix my internet connection… actually refix it… because he ‘fixed it’ last night… or not so much.

So I hereby offer 10 heartfelt wishes for my internet company.

1) I wish they would get life in the electric chair.

2) I wish they would be told the technician will turn off their electric chair sometime before 7pm, so they shouldn’t go anywhere.

3) I wish their management ongoing success as they continue to also manage the French World Cup soccer team.

4) I wish that their virginal 14-year-old daughters go on the road with best friend Miley Cyrus…

5) I wish that they personally lose the next iPhone prototype and get to experience Steve Jobs eating their liver.

6) I wish them to be force-fed nuclear hot Indian currie and gallons of peppermint Schnaps and Milk of Magnesia.

7) I wish that Jack Bauer believes they killed his girlfriend. DAMMIT.

8) I wish that BP be responsible for their swimming pool.

9) I wish that at every future dinner party, they sit with VP Joe Biden, Ozzy Osbourne and the people who make infomercials.

10)And I wish that readers would leave their personal wishes for their internet provider in comments below…

10 reasons why World Cup "Football" will NEVER make it big in America

1) Soccer has finally “come out” and confirmed it is a gay sport.

2) Americans don’t give up. France became the first team in World Cup history to surrender.

3) Americans like collision sports (football) and even contact sports (basketball) but not “beautiful” sports.

4) Miley Cyrus would be a soccer WAG, if she had at least one pair of knickers.

5) “Major” world countries like “Cameroon” are among the best in the soccer world. (Note: at least one World Cup team, Paraguay, would be attractive to red blooded Americans.)

6) No soccer player looks like he will eat your children.

7) Americans believe in celebrating a SCORE but within reason.

8) The Rugby World Cup is held every four years in some stupid, foreign country.

9) How can you scream at the ump if 100,000 vuvuzelas are going BWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?

10) This is soccer fan food. THIS is the American football, basketball, baseball and hockey fan food.

Cons Clip Fed Funds

As a hard-working American, you will be pleased that your elected officials have not been so over-burdened with two wars, the BP oil spill and normal everyday sex scandals that they have been unable to do what you sent them to Washington to do.

No, they have been fully focused on solving the housing crisis for YOU the taxpayer … and for 1,300 prison inmates.

While it could be said that as prisoners, these 1,300 men already have a home, your elected officials wanted better for them.

The inmates, including 241 who are serving life sentences, claimed they had purchased homes and received more than $9.1 million in tax credits.

The Obama Administration reacted quickly to this “hiccup in an otherwise stupendously successful federal program,” directing the IRS to “tidy things up”.

“The IRS will follow up on every instance of improper prisoner payment and take swift and appropriate enforcement actions. In many cases, this will find the inmates being housed in 5-star hotels while they are tried for crimes that could put them in prison… where they are now… never mind…”

While this first-time home buyer program has well served these inmates, and another of the nation’s underprivileged classes, realtors, it, sadly, was not able to address a housing tragedy in Orlando.

A $75 million mansion is having to be sold “as is”, after timeshare tycoon David Siegel halted construction of “Versailles” due to the recession.

Versailles may be the largest home in the U.S. at 90,000 square feet, with 13 bedrooms, 23 bathrooms, a 20-car garage, a baseball field and two-story movie theatre, but it does NOT have carpet, tiles or interior walls. The new owners will have to finish the home, which is just down the street from Tiger Woods’ Orlando mansion.

The Obama Administration and California state housing officials are working to prevent yet another housing crisis.

Meanwhile, reports are circulating amongst Pasadena realtors that a group of wealthy real estate investors – “N. Jail Inc.” – have made a $9.1 million down payment on Versailles and are in discussions with Bernie Madoff to finance the remainder.