Chinese flock to New Zealand for auspicious 10/10/10 weddings amidst the sheep, hobbits and killer whales

An *Asian invasion is underway, with Chinese flooding into New Zealand to get hitched on October 10, 2010.

10/10/10 is a seriously auspicious day, according to a honeymoon tour organiser. “When used in a Chinese idiom, ‘shi quan shi mei’, 10 means perfection and flawlessness. Chinese believe getting married on the date means it will be a perfect marriage.”

Lest my fellow round eyes doubt the auspiciousness of October 10, it is also Taiwan’s national day, World Egg Day and National Angel Food Cake Day.

Need more proof?

It was also when: the Soviet Union established diplomatic ties with Australia; London Bridge was reopened in Lake Havasu City, Arizona; and, most auspicious of all for Asian newlyweds, Vice President Spiro Agnew, who resigned after being charged with federal income tax evasion.

So you can see why Asian entourages (friends, family members, photographers, Spiro Agnew) will soon be scurrying all over New Zealand to find the PERFECTLY AUSPICIOUS location for their PERFECTLY AUSPICIOUS nuptuals.

At least four Taiwanese couples will be married Oct. 10 at a beautiful vineyard in Kumeu (West Auckland) and then spend the rest of the week auspiciously honeymooning with Frodo, Bilbo Bagins, and their choice of orcs or All Blacks.

For additional fees, brides and grooms in New Zealand can exchange their wedding vows atop **Mount Everest, in submarines traveling beneath nearby Antarctica, or while straddling sleek dolphins and, for fuller-figure brides, sperm whales, which is very auspicious for having large families.

Even a few New Zealanders are marrying up on 10/10/10, not so much because it is auspicious, but because the date is easy to remember.

“Auspicious? If you say so, mate. I just don’t want to bloody forget the day. The missus would have me shagging sheep in the back paddock for the rest of the year if I stuffed that up,” said a good kiwi bloke.

*(Editor’s note: my wife is Chinese, so I am ALLOWED to write this post … as long as she does not see it.)

**(Editor’s note: of course we know Mt Everest is not in New Zealand. It’s in Australia)


10 reasons why America has turned the corner. While riding a Segway. Aimed at a cliff.

1. Sarah Palin has writed a book.

2. George Bush has ridden hiz owen book.

3. There is speculation that Sarah Palin or George Bush may actually RID a book.

4. The Texas Rangers won their division. In baseball. The Rangers.

5. American teenagers, e.g. tomorrow’s workforce, complain they can’t concentrate long enough to send a full tweet.

6. The White House chief of staff receives a dead Asian carp at his going away party, and it’s considered auspicious. (Better than getting a Segway?)

7. Bedbugs the size of Justin Bieber have become the pet of choice for New Yorkers.

8. Deep fried beer is the culinary delight of the Texas State Fair.

9. Paris Hilton is being given another reality TV show. Lawsy, lawsy, lawsy.

10. Terrorist girdle monkeys have their sights set on America.


It’s ‘Segway’ not karma: Be careful what you make because it will kill you

The word “karma” is way overused and outdated. I propose we say “Segway” instead to make it more current.

As in, “That had to be ‘Segway’ from actions in James Heselden’s past life, what with him owning the Segway company and dying when he ‘Segwayed’ off a cliff in River Wharfe.”

West Yorkshire police do not believe the tragic death to be suspicious, but many believe it was part of a global conspiracy by machines to kill the people who make them.

Conspiracy theories about karma, er, ‘Segway’, abound every spring in the inventor community, when they come out of their basements and labs to stock up on Red Bull and Doritos and to change their shorts.

They say the proof of ‘Segway-karma’ is overwhelming.

How else do you explain Alexander Graham Bell being murdered by a telemarketer? Thomas Edison driven insane by his phonograph playing a scratched ABBA LP over and over and over? And Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin perishing in 1917 when his blimp crashed into Ben Franklin’s kite?

According to ancient texts, the concept of ‘Segway’ dates back to prehistoric times.

In 1 million BC, Og, the inventor of the stone wheel, was found dead near the Mastadon Bar and Grill, with a single tire tread on his face. Prehistoric CSI investigators suspected it was ‘Segway’ that killed Og. They were certain when they discovered an animal skin bikini in the glovebox of Og’s wheel that did not belong to Mrs. Og. The bikini was owned by Rock-ell Welch. (Stone wheel. Rock-ell. Get it? Look, Segway-karma is sometimes more ironic than funny.)

More recently, Segway was believed to have caused the death of Dr. Frank Ryan, plastic surgeon to Heidi Montag and other celebrities. He was sending a Twitter message about his border collie (facelift, tummy tuck, spaying) just before he drove off a cliff in Los Angeles, his ex-girlfriend, Rock-ell, told PEOPLE.

Fear of ‘Segway’ repayment for prior transgressions is even found at the highest levels of government.

It is said that President Obama is terrified that Segway will cause his premature death.

Because he was born in Kenya, or possibly Hawaii, he has an almost crippling fear that descendants of either Kunta Kinte or Jack Lord will run over him with his own presidential limo.

And that Michelle will find an animal skin bikini in the glovebox.

‘Set to Become World’s Most Powerful Woman?’

Oh Geez, with that headline, it has to be another story about Hillary Clinton, thought I.

She’s always in the third world, doing Secretary of State stuff, trying to keep her husband away from soggy young female flood victims, and quietly sourcing sweatshop labor for her 2012 presidential run. Hillary has power, right?

Then I thought, nah, maybe the story is about Michelle Obama – she’s set to become the world’s most powerful woman. Why not? Proximity to the Oval Office means power in Washington, D.C. And Michelle trumps that. She has unlimited access to the West Wing and the Presidential Johnson. German Chancellor Angela Merkel can’t make these claims.

Or, I thought, perhaps the story was about Jasmine Villegas who, OMG, is the opening act for Justin Bieber (squeal), has kissed him in the backseat (shriek) and, DOUBLE OMG, is rumored to have proof that Bieber has no wiener (anyone surprised?). Baby baby baby dwarf boy Bieber apparently may give Jasmine half of his pop kingdom if she won’t tell his new friends, the Hooters girls, that there is no Bieber Wiener.

But even that would not give her more power than omnipresent ginormous global megaslut Lady Gaga, who recently: 1) made the shock announcement that she is in favor of gays in the military, 2) went on the MTV awards with a T-bone in her rump roast; and 3) dressed like Hillary the Dominatrix when she and her Mom visited a nursing home. It all makes for awesome tweenybopper power.

Even so, realistically, the world’s soon-to-be most powerful woman has to be Oprah Winfrey, right? She WAS the globe’s most powerful woman, thanks to her TV empire and top-secret access to the Presidential Johnson (sorry Michelle).

Of late, she’s had ratings problems and lost her network mojo. But get ready. In December, John Travolta is flying Oprah to Australia where we believe he will anoint her OprahXenu, Qantas Queen of Scientology (and the Daytime Demographics, women 25-59). Now that is serious power, folks, what with female buying power, volcanoes and Tom Cruise.

But incredibly, even unbelievably, the news story that featured the headline above was not about Hillary, Michelle, Jasmine, OprahXenu, or Gagaho.

It was about about Dilma Rousseff who (no joke), is a former resistance leader, who was tortured, and who, at 63, is expected to be elected next week to head Brazil’s 200 million people.

Without the benefit of “Hillary in 2012” signs, a meat dress, Presidential Johnson, Qantas, MTV or a cult? You mean these things aren’t what real power is about?

Go figger.

Blowin’ in the wind, and missing thunder boomers

I thought it was a dog. Or a kid. It just blasted across the road, right to left. The car in front had to slam on its brakes to miss it.

Turns out, it was a big box moving at high velocity, powered by blustery winds. It reminded me of one of the things that I really miss about Oklahoma — thunderstorms.

Serious thunderstorms.

Auckland is an isthmus, about 12 miles wide. So even when we have the “fixins” for a proper thunderstorm, it never happens. Maybe we get a few thunder claps. Some wee hailstones. Even a mini-tornado that cuts a three-foot swathe in Nowheresville before blowing out to sea. Woopie.

Absolutely nothing like Oklahoma thunderstorms. Those were mothers.

Good ones would turn the day into night by mid-afternoon. The clouds would get all mean looking. Grey. Then coal black. Dark, menacing green if there was major hail coming. But the cloud color wasn’t the deal for me. Thunder was my deal.

Craaak Craaak Craaak Craaak CraaakaCraaaak. KABOOOOOOOOOOOM… OOOOOOOOM… OOOOOOOOM!

Damn right!

And it would go on and on. For hours. Incredible light shows – multiple fingers of lightning going sideways. Hundreds of them. And then a thick, bright, savage bolt into the ground.

One, one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand… Every second that passed before you heard the boom represented a mile from where the lightning hit. Or so they said.

Strangely, I don’t think I ever saw lightning strike near me in Tornado Alley, Oklahoma. That happened in the Rockies.

The cut-throat trout were biting, so who cared about a little weather. Until I happened to look up exactly when lightning hit a big tree. The water inside vaporized, and the tree went off like a bomb. Impressive as all get out. And ‘get out’ was exactly what we did.

Maybe the thunder I’ve experienced was loudest in Singapore. It didn’t happen that much, but when it did, the way the noise bounced from highrise to highrise seemed to amplify it. Maybe it was louder than in Oklahoma.

But in Singapore, like here in Auckland, thunderstorms just never lasted. Pity.

When I was young, even though God and I were not on speaking terms, I did get it. That His power was immense. A single thunderstorm had more power than how many nukes? I used to know that. Serious power, showcased in thunderstorms that lasted for days in the Spring and Fall. Mother Nature’s version of shock and awe.

Man, I miss that.

Gaga, Cher, Justin at Meat TV Awards

Let’s see. What’s in entertainment news?

Lady Gaga contracts hoof and mouth disease at MTV awards. She is featured in a meat dress that showcases her rump roast, and glams it up with armadillo high heels featuring 12-inch stilettos. Slaughterhouse meets road kill fashion. Yummm.

Cher, at 64, wears the same Fredericks of Hollywood see-through black body stocking that she made infamous in 1989 when singing “If I Could Turn Back Time.” She hugs Gaga’s meat and boasts that ex-daughter-Chastity-turned-son Chaz recently had species re-assignment surgery and is fantastically happy as a newt.

Justin “Mini MTV” Bieber was keen to prove he’s now a manly teenage stud muffin but entered wearing his Mommy’s big ol’lady sunglasses. On stage he stood nearly as tall as Gaga’s shoes and literally towered over his dance partners, who were specially recruited from Miss Muffet’s preschool. Sadly, his carefully choreographed “Big Hunk Justin” branding campaign stumbled when Rihanna bitch slapped him backstage and he cried.

Jane Fonda, 72, not at MTV but saturating the airwaves nonetheless, is once again all Spandexed up. She’s leading the nation’s aging Baby Boomers into a new era of fitness, facelifts and flashy mobility scooters. Jane tried to get Gaga and Cher on her exercise video, but health officials worried that the raw meat and preservatives would react, sending the wrong message – Ewww – to health conscious seniors.

And critics say the internet is offensive…

Questions for your 50s: Where are the car keys? Isn’t he dead yet?

George Clooney just turned 50. I hate him. He still looks like, well, himself. Me and my old friends, not so much. Except mebbe in our minds.

That was recently brought home to a tall, still-studly buddy of mine. He was at a social function when a pretty high school girl offered him her chair so he could sit down. Sad? It was way worse than sad. He initially thought she was flirting with him.

My “senior awakening” was internet related. I heard that there WAS an internet. Kidding. But I really was stunned when I had to click TWICE on drop-down menus to get to 1956, the year I was born and when gravity was invented.

Being mid-50s means my new car will probably outlast me. I will soon qualify for Denny’s Senior menu. And when I look in the mirror, I see … George Clooney… Except he now looks just like my grandpa.

Bugger.

I didn’t expect my 50’s to be an age of exploration – exploring the room I just left for clues … what exactly did I just forget to remember. Car keys? Fire extinguisher? No. 1 son?

Being in my mid-50s means my body and brain are changing. I now like Advil way better than M&Ms. Putting milk in my innards is like dropping a Mentos into a Diet Coke. And my memory loss mantra is “Denny Crane, Mad Cow.”

But lately, what has annoyed me most is not knowing who is dead and who isn’t.

Sure, I know which family members are breathing and which have karked it. Mainly. But when I’m thinking about a major sports star or actor from my youth, I never really know whether they still have a pulse. Usually, if I think they are are dead, they ain’t, and vice-versa.

I was at the grocery store and learned that Michael Douglas has throat cancer. That’s sad, but way better than being dead, which is what I thought he was. In fact, his DAD is still alive. Kirk is now 93.

Wonder if he says “I am Spartacus. Now where are my chariot keys?” Or just, “Denny Crane. Mad Cow.”