Hillary Does New Zealand: Lovely Country. Where are Hobbits? I had NOTHING to do with Election results!

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton landed in Wellington New Zealand this morning, but even the Capital’s fierce winds couldn’t blow the smile off her face.

“As you know, I’m Secretary of State, and totally removed from politics. I am here to promote America’s interests in the region, not to compare Barack Obama’s by-election slaughter to General Custer’s at the Little Bighorn.

“And Americans should read nothing into the fact that I was 12,000 miles away when Barack Obama’s party was beaten like a step-child. I have no inside knowledge about the election debacle, or the fact that America spoke loud and clear that it wants a more centrist president now and in 2012,” she said, asking if her lectern was dead center on stage.

Mrs. Clinton was in New Zealand as part of her 10-day tour of the Asia Pacific region, and flew overnight to Wellington from Papua New Guinea.

“I am looking forward to meeting with Prime Minister Key, Bilbo Baggins and possibly any American who plans to vote in the 2012 election and might be looking for, oh, I don’t know, someone whose family has sort of a dynasty going on in the Democratic party.

“And I’d like to mention that my husband Bill, a two-term president, unlike some one-term Democratic presidents that I will not name, has a very fond place in his heart for New Zealand. Every time he would return home after his visits here, he would talk about how beautiful your country was. And for some reason he was enamored with your sheep. I never got that, but you know Bill.”

Although trade with New Zealand amounts to well over 0.00001% of America’s GDP, she is hoping a bilateral trade deal will increase this substantially.

“In fact, we are very keen to sell New Zealand completely solid and 100% bankable U.S. Treasury notes. We have rolls and rolls of them that the Chinese aren’t interested in any more. And since our dollar is now worth about, what, 77 New Zealand cents, it’s a great time to buy American debt. You have President Obama’s word that we’ll pay you back.”

She said the United States had well and truly forgiven Godzone for creating a Nuclear Free Zone and in 1984 refusing to allow America’s nuclear-powered ships to visit.

“Our knickers aren’t in a knot over that any more. But we’re not so keen on your crazies hacking up our spy satellite antenna… sorry, I mean YOUR spy satellite antenna. We’re willing to let bygones be bygones if you will accept a few political refugees to relocate in New Zealand. I might be thinking of, oh, I don’t know, a woman whose name sounds a bit like Dancy Belosi. But that’s unofficial and not for publication.”

While in New Zealand Mrs. Clinton also planned to attend a private check-writing ceremony at a home for unwed mothers that her husband helped establish nine months after his first visit to New Zealand. She also plans to visit the offices of HogsAteMySister to personally deliver a large box of toner cartriges from Yemen.

Breaking News: The Hillary for President 2012 juggernaut was launched by PM Key. Doh!

TSA adopts neck-licking anti-terror screening; warns body cavity searches could follow on behind

The TSA has decided against implementing body cavity searches, choosing a less invasive measure for secondary screening.

From this weekend, airline passengers that are “pinged” when walking through scanning gates will have their necks licked by trained TSA staff.

If TSA’s trained lickers detect an overabundance of “sweat, fear-based hormones or plastic explosives”, the passenger will be asked to either lean over and have additional lick-testing done or submit to a full body cavity search “out back”.

New anti-terror measures

“We believe most passengers will prefer to be licked rather than probed, so the new screening criteria will ‘lead by the tongue’. But full body cavity probing could follow on behind,” says the TSA.

A new $900 million advertising campaign featuring Licky the Anti Terror Bee and Brett Favre will be launched at halftime of major Thanksgiving Day games.

The TSA acknowledges that the new “lick first, probe second” safety campaign was driven both by customer preference and economics.

“In focus groups, many passengers were against being spread-eagled and having a stranger probe one or more of their body cavities. And from an employment relations point of view, TSA staff wanted a lot more than $9 an hour to do body cavity searches on suspected al Qaeda terrorists, or even big people like Kirstie Alley and the late Orson Welles. Our staff much prefer to lick them,” the spokesman said.

Despite TSA assurances that neck-licking and body cavity searches will be accepted by most domestic and international passengers, travel agents are worried that the new regimes could negatively impact American tourism.

“Other than the French, who have no problem with licking or cavity searches, done by TSA staff or trained beagles, not every culture is so open. If travelers wanted to be licked or probed, they’d have gone to Paris.”

For latest TSA news click:

Here for Topple the TSA 10-point Protest Plan
Here for Big Sis Calls Emergency Staff Meeting in Washington
Here for TSA & Hookers Battle Terrorists and Do Prostate Checks
Here for TSA Named in Class-action Paternity Suit by ACLU – “Their DNA is all over it, if you get our drift”


Live Chilean Mine Rescue Updates

(Read from bottom to top)

Days later
NPR fires 3 reporters who covered the Chilean mine rescue and called the miners “Chileans”. “We know racism when we see it,” said NPR’s PhD CEO III (D-NY).

3.46 a.m.


3.45 a.m.
BBC interrupts their LIVE CHILEAN RESCUE coverage to show a 3-hour-long Richard Attenborough doco on dung beetles. Que?

3.31 a.m.
New BP CEO sends urgent memo to his top engineers. “Go to Chile. Learn how to deep drill without stuffing things up.”

3.30 a.m.
Meanwhile, three other miners have been rescued, unnoticed by media jackals. They embrace their families, pray, shower, have a beer, and go back to work in another mine.

3.20 a.m.
Savage media pack continues to ‘feed’ on first Chilean miner rescued – How does it feel? Que? – as family members and friends negotiate with People magazine and The Sun.

3.11 a.m.
Sarah Palin says she can see Chile from the front porch of her vacation home in Chile. Which is in Africa. Innit?

3.10 a.m.
Speaking of deep holes. President Obama claims successful rescue in Chile is brilliant omen for Dems’ mid-term success. Chilean President says, “Que?”

3.00 a.m.
NBC begins to screen Chilean rescue 7-part miniseries – “Trapped in Hell. Rescued by Hope.” Sponsored by BP.

2.50 a.m.
First rescued miners helicoptered to hospital. Paperwork for Obamacare-Chilean Option Cinco will take longer to fill out than the rescue.

2.40 a.m.
Chilean mine rescue chute jams up! Kareem Abdul Jabbar lubricated and slid into tube. All is well!

2.21 a.m.
First tragic mine casualty. CNN correspondent slays BBC correspondent with machete microphone.

2.20 a.m.
First miner escapes! Wearing Justin Bieber nail polish and smelling of Paris Hilton. Wife wields machete. Oprah thrilled.

2.00 a.m.
Paris Hilton goes down in Chilean rescue capsule. Sex tape comes back up. Miners’ wives sharpen machetes.

1.40 a.m.
Oprah Winfrey does live interviews of miners’ wives who lost weight or went gay during ordeal.

1.20 a.m.
Richard Branson announces Virgin to the Centre of the Earth Mine Capsules will launch in 2012. President Obama buys first 4 tickets.

1.00 a.m.
Brett Favre pays big money to go DOWN in Chilean rescue capsule to escape from sexting scandal. Takes his BlackBerry.

12.40 a.m.
Chilean rescue workers shocked when Kardashian sisters pop out of 1st escape capsule, hold media conference and launch reality series – Tube Sisters.

12.00 a.m.
Having run out of test dummies and midgets, Chileans send Justin Bieber down the tube. His stupid hat gets stuck. Baby baby baby.

Shock White House Resignation – Michelle steps down as First Lady

Another shock resignation has hit the Obama Administration, just weeks before an expected political train wreck in the mid-term elections.

Michelle Obama has resigned as First Lady and is returning to the 2008 Presidential campaign when she was a key strategist for rising young superstar Sen. Barack Obama.

An insider says, “Michelle absolutely loved the campaigning, the frocks, going to seven or eight events every day, being loved and adored by screaming crowds everywhere she went. She was a superstar and married to The One who would change America. She was Mrs. Hope. She loved it.”

But being the First Lady is not nearly as much fun or suited to Michelle’s need to be adored.

“In private, Michelle has said that being First Lady actually sucks, and that she is way too smart and too pretty to stay in a dead-end job that she hates.”

One of the biggest drawbacks of being First Lady is having to sleep with the increasingly grumpy and unpopular President, hence her desire to go back in time, when “campaign sex with Barack was insanely hot”.

“When we were running for the White House, we did it in 5-star hotels, on trains, planes, buses, limos … even the Clinton’s bedroom once when they weren’t home. But now it’s stress city — the war this or the economy that. When Barack’s Presidential seal fell off, that sort of summed up how things have been going in the bedroom.”

There is growing speculation that Oprah Winfrey is the front runner to replace Michelle as First Lady. Oprah has enormous wealth and clout with women in the 24-54 demographic, and she has supported Obama from the beginning.

Insiders say the President has given mixed messages on Oprah as First Lady. “On the one hand, he sees an enormous upside because of her popularity and media clout. On the other hand, he does not like fat chicks.”

Michelle’s resignation is the fifth by a senior White House official in the last two months.

It is unclear whether First Children Sasha and Malia, and First Dog Bo, will remain in their positions or choose to follow their Mom back to the vibrant 2008 campaign trail.

Republican strategists, meanwhile, are rubbing their hands in glee.

“The Administration is trying to downplay the significance of Michelle’s resignation as First Lady, but they are living in fear. If Oprah doesn’t get the job of First Lady, there is every indication that either Bill or Hillary Clinton will apply for it. Bill has already priced a sex change, and he sees a lot of benefits in having the operation, both personally and politically.”

Chinese flock to New Zealand for auspicious 10/10/10 weddings amidst the sheep, hobbits and killer whales

An *Asian invasion is underway, with Chinese flooding into New Zealand to get hitched on October 10, 2010.

10/10/10 is a seriously auspicious day, according to a honeymoon tour organiser. “When used in a Chinese idiom, ‘shi quan shi mei’, 10 means perfection and flawlessness. Chinese believe getting married on the date means it will be a perfect marriage.”

Lest my fellow round eyes doubt the auspiciousness of October 10, it is also Taiwan’s national day, World Egg Day and National Angel Food Cake Day.

Need more proof?

It was also when: the Soviet Union established diplomatic ties with Australia; London Bridge was reopened in Lake Havasu City, Arizona; and, most auspicious of all for Asian newlyweds, Vice President Spiro Agnew, who resigned after being charged with federal income tax evasion.

So you can see why Asian entourages (friends, family members, photographers, Spiro Agnew) will soon be scurrying all over New Zealand to find the PERFECTLY AUSPICIOUS location for their PERFECTLY AUSPICIOUS nuptuals.

At least four Taiwanese couples will be married Oct. 10 at a beautiful vineyard in Kumeu (West Auckland) and then spend the rest of the week auspiciously honeymooning with Frodo, Bilbo Bagins, and their choice of orcs or All Blacks.

For additional fees, brides and grooms in New Zealand can exchange their wedding vows atop **Mount Everest, in submarines traveling beneath nearby Antarctica, or while straddling sleek dolphins and, for fuller-figure brides, sperm whales, which is very auspicious for having large families.

Even a few New Zealanders are marrying up on 10/10/10, not so much because it is auspicious, but because the date is easy to remember.

“Auspicious? If you say so, mate. I just don’t want to bloody forget the day. The missus would have me shagging sheep in the back paddock for the rest of the year if I stuffed that up,” said a good kiwi bloke.

*(Editor’s note: my wife is Chinese, so I am ALLOWED to write this post … as long as she does not see it.)

**(Editor’s note: of course we know Mt Everest is not in New Zealand. It’s in Australia)

10 reasons why America has turned the corner. While riding a Segway. Aimed at a cliff.

1. Sarah Palin has writed a book.

2. George Bush has ridden hiz owen book.

3. There is speculation that Sarah Palin or George Bush may actually RID a book.

4. The Texas Rangers won their division. In baseball. The Rangers.

5. American teenagers, e.g. tomorrow’s workforce, complain they can’t concentrate long enough to send a full tweet.

6. The White House chief of staff receives a dead Asian carp at his going away party, and it’s considered auspicious. (Better than getting a Segway?)

7. Bedbugs the size of Justin Bieber have become the pet of choice for New Yorkers.

8. Deep fried beer is the culinary delight of the Texas State Fair.

9. Paris Hilton is being given another reality TV show. Lawsy, lawsy, lawsy.

10. Terrorist girdle monkeys have their sights set on America.

It’s ‘Segway’ not karma: Be careful what you make because it will kill you

The word “karma” is way overused and outdated. I propose we say “Segway” instead to make it more current.

As in, “That had to be ‘Segway’ from actions in James Heselden’s past life, what with him owning the Segway company and dying when he ‘Segwayed’ off a cliff in River Wharfe.”

West Yorkshire police do not believe the tragic death to be suspicious, but many believe it was part of a global conspiracy by machines to kill the people who make them.

Conspiracy theories about karma, er, ‘Segway’, abound every spring in the inventor community, when they come out of their basements and labs to stock up on Red Bull and Doritos and to change their shorts.

They say the proof of ‘Segway-karma’ is overwhelming.

How else do you explain Alexander Graham Bell being murdered by a telemarketer? Thomas Edison driven insane by his phonograph playing a scratched ABBA LP over and over and over? And Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin perishing in 1917 when his blimp crashed into Ben Franklin’s kite?

According to ancient texts, the concept of ‘Segway’ dates back to prehistoric times.

In 1 million BC, Og, the inventor of the stone wheel, was found dead near the Mastadon Bar and Grill, with a single tire tread on his face. Prehistoric CSI investigators suspected it was ‘Segway’ that killed Og. They were certain when they discovered an animal skin bikini in the glovebox of Og’s wheel that did not belong to Mrs. Og. The bikini was owned by Rock-ell Welch. (Stone wheel. Rock-ell. Get it? Look, Segway-karma is sometimes more ironic than funny.)

More recently, Segway was believed to have caused the death of Dr. Frank Ryan, plastic surgeon to Heidi Montag and other celebrities. He was sending a Twitter message about his border collie (facelift, tummy tuck, spaying) just before he drove off a cliff in Los Angeles, his ex-girlfriend, Rock-ell, told PEOPLE.

Fear of ‘Segway’ repayment for prior transgressions is even found at the highest levels of government.

It is said that President Obama is terrified that Segway will cause his premature death.

Because he was born in Kenya, or possibly Hawaii, he has an almost crippling fear that descendants of either Kunta Kinte or Jack Lord will run over him with his own presidential limo.

And that Michelle will find an animal skin bikini in the glovebox.