Topple the TSA! A sure fire 10-point protest

Americans are outraged at the TSA’s groping, fondling and neck-licking – and that’s in the travel agent’s office.

Here are 10 ways to go all Gandhi and peacefully topple the TSA regime by Christmas.

TSA Protest Actions

1. Men, remember Cool Runnings? The Jamaican bobsledder who kept his lucky egg tucked under his scrotum? Henceforth, all male flyers should carry two grade A eggs in their scrotums. Won’t that be fun when the TSA scans them? Better yet, when an enhanced pat-down breaks them, yoke starts drooling down your legs, and you scream in pain, “Auuuggghhhh! You’ve broken my testicles.”
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Memo to Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones: Here’s your Top 10 shortlist for head coaching job

Dear Jerry,

You’ll need another head coach come January 2, after the crumpled body of Jason Garrett is carried off the field in a ball bag. Here’s our shortlist:

1. Mel Gibson – Get him all likkered up and, woa, the dead men walking in Cowboys uniforms will get all kinds of fired up or be eaten alive by Mel and his savage pack of divorce lawyers.

2. Luis Urzua – the last man out of the Chilean mine. Why? Two reasons. First, if he could get three dozen men trapped underground for nine weeks to pull together, he can get 22 players to pull together for nine games. Second, and more importantly, he has access to the mine shaft, and would know how to cram Jerry into the “down elevator”.

3. Dr. Phil – The poor Cowboys must be absolutely traumatized by their bitter experience of going 1-7 and losing the chance to play in Super Bowl XLV. With enough foot massages and aromatherapy, I’m sure Dr Phil can get the Cowboys back on track. Once the girls on defense quit crying.
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Dallas Cowboys Owner: ‘I promise we’ll be playing in the Super Bowl, my boy, just listen to old Jerry’

The mood at JerryDome was somber. Like at a funeral. For a child who died a needless death.

Coach Wade Phillips was staring blankly into space. The ghost of Tom Landry paced back and forth in the corner, his hat bobbing up and down.

Suddenly, Jerry Jones came crashing through the door, smiling like a lunatic, eyes big as saucers.

“Wade ol’ buddy. The Cowboys are going to the Super Bowl,” Jerry said.

“Whut?” asked Wade, as he fell to his knees and kissed Jerry’s SB XXX ring.
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Hillary Does New Zealand: Lovely Country. Where are Hobbits? I had NOTHING to do with Election results!

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton landed in Wellington New Zealand this morning, but even the Capital’s fierce winds couldn’t blow the smile off her face.

“As you know, I’m Secretary of State, and totally removed from politics. I am here to promote America’s interests in the region, not to compare Barack Obama’s by-election slaughter to General Custer’s at the Little Bighorn.

“And Americans should read nothing into the fact that I was 12,000 miles away when Barack Obama’s party was beaten like a step-child. I have no inside knowledge about the election debacle, or the fact that America spoke loud and clear that it wants a more centrist president now and in 2012,” she said, asking if her lectern was dead center on stage.

Mrs. Clinton was in New Zealand as part of her 10-day tour of the Asia Pacific region, and flew overnight to Wellington from Papua New Guinea.

“I am looking forward to meeting with Prime Minister Key, Bilbo Baggins and possibly any American who plans to vote in the 2012 election and might be looking for, oh, I don’t know, someone whose family has sort of a dynasty going on in the Democratic party.

“And I’d like to mention that my husband Bill, a two-term president, unlike some one-term Democratic presidents that I will not name, has a very fond place in his heart for New Zealand. Every time he would return home after his visits here, he would talk about how beautiful your country was. And for some reason he was enamored with your sheep. I never got that, but you know Bill.”

Although trade with New Zealand amounts to well over 0.00001% of America’s GDP, she is hoping a bilateral trade deal will increase this substantially.

“In fact, we are very keen to sell New Zealand completely solid and 100% bankable U.S. Treasury notes. We have rolls and rolls of them that the Chinese aren’t interested in any more. And since our dollar is now worth about, what, 77 New Zealand cents, it’s a great time to buy American debt. You have President Obama’s word that we’ll pay you back.”

She said the United States had well and truly forgiven Godzone for creating a Nuclear Free Zone and in 1984 refusing to allow America’s nuclear-powered ships to visit.

“Our knickers aren’t in a knot over that any more. But we’re not so keen on your crazies hacking up our spy satellite antenna… sorry, I mean YOUR spy satellite antenna. We’re willing to let bygones be bygones if you will accept a few political refugees to relocate in New Zealand. I might be thinking of, oh, I don’t know, a woman whose name sounds a bit like Dancy Belosi. But that’s unofficial and not for publication.”

While in New Zealand Mrs. Clinton also planned to attend a private check-writing ceremony at a home for unwed mothers that her husband helped establish nine months after his first visit to New Zealand. She also plans to visit the offices of HogsAteMySister to personally deliver a large box of toner cartriges from Yemen.

Breaking News: The Hillary for President 2012 juggernaut was launched by PM Key. Doh!

TSA adopts neck-licking anti-terror screening; warns body cavity searches could follow on behind

The TSA has decided against implementing body cavity searches, choosing a less invasive measure for secondary screening.

From this weekend, airline passengers that are “pinged” when walking through scanning gates will have their necks licked by trained TSA staff.

If TSA’s trained lickers detect an overabundance of “sweat, fear-based hormones or plastic explosives”, the passenger will be asked to either lean over and have additional lick-testing done or submit to a full body cavity search “out back”.

New anti-terror measures

“We believe most passengers will prefer to be licked rather than probed, so the new screening criteria will ‘lead by the tongue’. But full body cavity probing could follow on behind,” says the TSA.

A new $900 million advertising campaign featuring Licky the Anti Terror Bee and Brett Favre will be launched at halftime of major Thanksgiving Day games.

The TSA acknowledges that the new “lick first, probe second” safety campaign was driven both by customer preference and economics.

“In focus groups, many passengers were against being spread-eagled and having a stranger probe one or more of their body cavities. And from an employment relations point of view, TSA staff wanted a lot more than $9 an hour to do body cavity searches on suspected al Qaeda terrorists, or even big people like Kirstie Alley and the late Orson Welles. Our staff much prefer to lick them,” the spokesman said.

Despite TSA assurances that neck-licking and body cavity searches will be accepted by most domestic and international passengers, travel agents are worried that the new regimes could negatively impact American tourism.

“Other than the French, who have no problem with licking or cavity searches, done by TSA staff or trained beagles, not every culture is so open. If travelers wanted to be licked or probed, they’d have gone to Paris.”

For latest TSA news click:

Here for Topple the TSA 10-point Protest Plan
Here for Big Sis Calls Emergency Staff Meeting in Washington
Here for TSA & Hookers Battle Terrorists and Do Prostate Checks
Here for TSA Named in Class-action Paternity Suit by ACLU – “Their DNA is all over it, if you get our drift”


Live Chilean Mine Rescue Updates

(Read from bottom to top)

Days later
NPR fires 3 reporters who covered the Chilean mine rescue and called the miners “Chileans”. “We know racism when we see it,” said NPR’s PhD CEO III (D-NY).

3.46 a.m.


3.45 a.m.
BBC interrupts their LIVE CHILEAN RESCUE coverage to show a 3-hour-long Richard Attenborough doco on dung beetles. Que?

3.31 a.m.
New BP CEO sends urgent memo to his top engineers. “Go to Chile. Learn how to deep drill without stuffing things up.”

3.30 a.m.
Meanwhile, three other miners have been rescued, unnoticed by media jackals. They embrace their families, pray, shower, have a beer, and go back to work in another mine.

3.20 a.m.
Savage media pack continues to ‘feed’ on first Chilean miner rescued – How does it feel? Que? – as family members and friends negotiate with People magazine and The Sun.

3.11 a.m.
Sarah Palin says she can see Chile from the front porch of her vacation home in Chile. Which is in Africa. Innit?

3.10 a.m.
Speaking of deep holes. President Obama claims successful rescue in Chile is brilliant omen for Dems’ mid-term success. Chilean President says, “Que?”

3.00 a.m.
NBC begins to screen Chilean rescue 7-part miniseries – “Trapped in Hell. Rescued by Hope.” Sponsored by BP.

2.50 a.m.
First rescued miners helicoptered to hospital. Paperwork for Obamacare-Chilean Option Cinco will take longer to fill out than the rescue.

2.40 a.m.
Chilean mine rescue chute jams up! Kareem Abdul Jabbar lubricated and slid into tube. All is well!

2.21 a.m.
First tragic mine casualty. CNN correspondent slays BBC correspondent with machete microphone.

2.20 a.m.
First miner escapes! Wearing Justin Bieber nail polish and smelling of Paris Hilton. Wife wields machete. Oprah thrilled.

2.00 a.m.
Paris Hilton goes down in Chilean rescue capsule. Sex tape comes back up. Miners’ wives sharpen machetes.

1.40 a.m.
Oprah Winfrey does live interviews of miners’ wives who lost weight or went gay during ordeal.

1.20 a.m.
Richard Branson announces Virgin to the Centre of the Earth Mine Capsules will launch in 2012. President Obama buys first 4 tickets.

1.00 a.m.
Brett Favre pays big money to go DOWN in Chilean rescue capsule to escape from sexting scandal. Takes his BlackBerry.

12.40 a.m.
Chilean rescue workers shocked when Kardashian sisters pop out of 1st escape capsule, hold media conference and launch reality series – Tube Sisters.

12.00 a.m.
Having run out of test dummies and midgets, Chileans send Justin Bieber down the tube. His stupid hat gets stuck. Baby baby baby.

Shock White House Resignation – Michelle steps down as First Lady

Another shock resignation has hit the Obama Administration, just weeks before an expected political train wreck in the mid-term elections.

Michelle Obama has resigned as First Lady and is returning to the 2008 Presidential campaign when she was a key strategist for rising young superstar Sen. Barack Obama.

An insider says, “Michelle absolutely loved the campaigning, the frocks, going to seven or eight events every day, being loved and adored by screaming crowds everywhere she went. She was a superstar and married to The One who would change America. She was Mrs. Hope. She loved it.”

But being the First Lady is not nearly as much fun or suited to Michelle’s need to be adored.

“In private, Michelle has said that being First Lady actually sucks, and that she is way too smart and too pretty to stay in a dead-end job that she hates.”

One of the biggest drawbacks of being First Lady is having to sleep with the increasingly grumpy and unpopular President, hence her desire to go back in time, when “campaign sex with Barack was insanely hot”.

“When we were running for the White House, we did it in 5-star hotels, on trains, planes, buses, limos … even the Clinton’s bedroom once when they weren’t home. But now it’s stress city — the war this or the economy that. When Barack’s Presidential seal fell off, that sort of summed up how things have been going in the bedroom.”

There is growing speculation that Oprah Winfrey is the front runner to replace Michelle as First Lady. Oprah has enormous wealth and clout with women in the 24-54 demographic, and she has supported Obama from the beginning.

Insiders say the President has given mixed messages on Oprah as First Lady. “On the one hand, he sees an enormous upside because of her popularity and media clout. On the other hand, he does not like fat chicks.”

Michelle’s resignation is the fifth by a senior White House official in the last two months.

It is unclear whether First Children Sasha and Malia, and First Dog Bo, will remain in their positions or choose to follow their Mom back to the vibrant 2008 campaign trail.

Republican strategists, meanwhile, are rubbing their hands in glee.

“The Administration is trying to downplay the significance of Michelle’s resignation as First Lady, but they are living in fear. If Oprah doesn’t get the job of First Lady, there is every indication that either Bill or Hillary Clinton will apply for it. Bill has already priced a sex change, and he sees a lot of benefits in having the operation, both personally and politically.”