Missing the Big Red Cotton Bowl!

bigtex

 

I cannot tell you how much I would rather be at the Cotton Bowl tomorrow than here in New Zealand.

I would gladly trade my clean, green, primordial back yard for the smell of deep fried everything and the creepy, booming, non-stop chatter of Big Tex.

I would make the ultimate sacrifice of drinking beer and eating nachos for breakfast on the State Fair midway to prepare myself for the 11 a.m. OU-Texas kickoff.

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Nothing is as ‘Murican as Hotdogs, Apple Pie and Coaching Little League Football in Singapore

SAFL football 1

Honor Guard to start SAFL Season

The hand that rocks the cradle may rule the world, but football coaches are kings, in Oklahoma or Singapore.

I was still jet-lagged in 1982, when my buddy dragged me straight from Changi Airport to the Singapore American School’s football field.

Even though an oilfield company had spent $250,000 sodding the field, the annual monsoon rains had turned it into glop.

Still, over the next three wet seasons, when temperatures and humidity were always in triple digits, that’s where we spent our Saturdays, amidst the hotdogs, spring rolls and cheerleaders.

Our SAFL (Singapore American Football League) teams won a championship in 1984, finished in the middle once, and dwelt in the cellar once.

The season we “won the ring”, we had a pro offense that ran like a Swiss timepiece, a cat-quick, stunting defense, and the finest coaching staff in all of Asia.

All of which is a big, fat lie.

We had one giant kid, who ended up going to Notre Dame, and we handed him the ball about 50 times a game.

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Blobfish Caption

 

Caption:   Selfie … which is why I normally wear a hat.
(Editor’s note: This has been your high-brow humor for the day.)

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You’ve Got to Be ‘Agile, Hostile and Mobile’ in Oklahoma Driver’s Ed Classes

The second I turned 15½, I was a man.

Well, at least I thought I was, because at that point I could legally drive a car!

I was enrolled in Driver’s Education, so no force on earth could stop me.

Why anyone in law enforcement or the car insurance industry thought attending Driver’s Ed would make us better drivers was beyond me.

If they thought it would give us enhanced driving skills (HA!), or slow us down (BWAHAHAHAHA!), they must have never attended Norman High School’s Driver’s Ed classes.

These were not taught by skilled race car drivers who had attended the Bob Bondurant School of High Performance Driving school, who wanted nothing more than to teach the next generation life-saving motoring skills.

No, these were “taught” by football and basketball coaches who were padding out their schedules.

And by “taught”, I mean “overseen by grumpy, whistle-wearing men who wanted nothing more than to make it to 3pm so they could do what they did best — scream at smelly, obnoxious teen-age boys.

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BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE IS FINALLY COMING TO NEW ZEALAND!!!

http://www.drewbarnard.com/Audio/Media/Images/Classic%20Rock/Bruce%20Springsteen/1995-Greatest%20Hits/albumArt.jpg

I am on fire.

The Boss is coming to New Zealand on 1 March!

And not one damn day too soon.

I was starting to wonder whether one of us would croak before we ever got to party together.

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The Terrors of the Elderly Await Us

(Not a funny one.  Not funny at all.)

Old age has probably always been a bugger.

I think it’s going to get way worse pretty soon.

I toured a dementia unit last week, and my heart was on the ground.

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Crack Puppy Arrested!

Ling Ling III, the cutest Crack Puppy in the universe, has been busted.

Reports indicate she ate and rolled in poop.

Again.

Ack.

Even though it is winter in New Zealand, the offender was punitively bathed by the Missus.

And had her teeth brushed by the Missus.

With a pink doggy electric tooth-brusher.

And then the Crack Puppy was very, very sad.

Not.

Then she raced around the house like an insane rabbit.

For which she was given doggie treats.

Because, duh?

It is amazing what you can get away with when you are cute.

I mean, who is cuter, the Crack Puppy, or Will and Kate’s royal baby boy, “Prince Possum”?

Exactly.

(For more Crack Puppy news, click here.)