Message to Siemens Hearing Aids — WHAT?

Dear Dr Siemens,

Sorry about your name. I bet your childhood was brutal.

Anyway, as one of your customers of the “Huge Fricken’ Behind the Ear Grampa Model Hearing Aid”, we wanted to give you some “customer feedback” in the form of this email.

Because we are not able to come to your office with our shotgun.

Our first suggestion is that you disable the innovative feature that, every now and again, gets both hearing aids to automatically and without warning jack up volume levels to over 10 billion decibels.

While this makes for an excellent party trick involving soiled shorts and socks, it also causes our eyes to cross for extended periods of time. Getting them to uncross, and with all the sock washing, it’s taking up too much of the day.

Our second suggestion is quite revolutionary.

You know how in a crowded Chinese restaurant or meeting room or possibly Monster Truck races, when you are trying to have a conversation with people sitting NEXT to you or ACROSS from you?

Well, these Huge Honkin’ Grampaw Behind the Ear Hearing Aids, despite all the space-age micro electronics, tend to amplify ambient sounds (dish crashing, paper shuffling, engine explosions) WAY LOUDER than the conversation you are trying to have.

Yet they let you hear, with total clarity and no distortion, the people sitting from 10 to 20 feet directly BEHIND you. Especially if they have beards. (I don’t know why. Maybe facial hair strains and purifies their words? It’s a mystery).

I hope you can see how this is a problem if, say, you are trying to hear the client or relative with whom you are meeting.

Hard Architecture Challenges

And in a loud environment with “hard architecture”, what you hear is this.

Granted, if you carry the handy dandy remote control that’s conveniently the size of a small shoe, you can change “programs” and slowly optimize the tone to this.

Or when talking on a cellphone, you can experience this much improved sound quality.

Now, I don’t want to sound ungrateful or anything. Because when I am not wearing my Huge Honkin’ Grampaw Behind the Ear Hearing Aids, I am unable to hear important things, like police sirens or myself farting.

And maybe it’s just because I am cheap, but after spending $8,000 on technology to overcome crappy hearing genes, and that 1970 Jimi Hendrix concert at the OU Fieldhouse, I sort of expected to be able to, you know, hear myself fart.

In fact, I was really looking forward to that.



Click here for more stories about how sucky it is to get old.


6 Responses to “Message to Siemens Hearing Aids — WHAT?”

  1. Kris says:

    OK, babe?

    This should be your book, if you choose to write one. Letters of complaint! You are awesome at letters of constructive complaint!



    • hams says:

      My next constructive criticism will about the lack of adequate height and appreciative parades around here. Vexing matters, both.

  2. Lillian L. says:

    While I missed the Hendrix concert, I will just say “ditto” to your letter.

    There definately should be a better way!!!

    LL, who doesn’t happen to have the “shoe” to control the volumn, so just continues to be totally purplexed in most situations!

  3. malm says:

    Classic. Great stuff, and sorry about the hearing loss. Oh, I mean SORRY….ABOUT…THE…HEARING….LOSS


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