On Removing a Tick From Your 4-Year-Old’s Pecker

So there I was, staring at my four-year-old son’s *pecker.

I had just crashed into the bathroom after hearing my Missus’ blood-curdling scream: “WHAT IS THAT?”

We were at Mom’s trailer house outside Eufaula, OK, so I fully expected to find a spider or possum or, God forbid, a snake that needed killing.

But what I found was Junior, standing there in his birthday suit, proud as could be, as he and his terrified Mom stared at his pecker.

My Missus had just dried Junior after his bath, and she spotted a black dot on his pecker that was moving around.

While this panicked my Missus, it totally fascinated my son.

Because at four, a young felluh begins a life-long relationship with his pecker. And he realises it can do all kinds of neat tricks.

But ticks are not supposed to be involved.

So there we were, my son standing their naked as a jaybird, proudly gazing over his little tummy at his pecker. His Mom was frozen stiff, not even breathing.  So it all fell to me.

Rule No. 1 of Being A Dad is — You Size Up the Situation and Take Immediate Action.

I immediately saw there was a tick on my son’s pecker and I fainted.

Not true.

I may have wanted to scream: “There is a tick on my son’s pecker and I don’t know what to do!”

But instead I took a deeeeep breath, smiled and said, “It’s OK son.  It’s just fine.”

I then performed a little CPR on the Missus, because she had not breathed in so long her lips were turning blue.

After I got her breathing again, I dipped a Q-tip into soapy water.  Then EVER SO GENTLY, because my son’s family life AND my grandchildren were hanging in the balance, I touched the tick.

He did not like it. His body started to run around in circles, while his head remained embedded in No. 1 son’s pecker.

(Excuse me as I takes another deeeep breath before continuing with this story because, even after a quarter-century, it about gives me a heart attack.)

Now, if you grow up in Oklahoma, you know that a tick has three tiny thingees on its head. If you yank a tick out while its head is buried in flesh, one of the thingees can remain embedded and cause an infection.

So, even though I was not sure exactly what to do, I absolutely knew their would be NO YANKING on the tick.

I went to Plan B and gently tapped the tick’s bottom with a pair of hot tweezers, but its body just ran around in circles again.

Now, if the tick had been on my leg, I would have lit a cigarette and carefully moved the lit end toward the tick until he backed out.

Even if that killed it, I could have made a tiny incision in my leg and removed the dead tick’s head, no problem.

But this tick was embedded in Junior’s Johnson. And the words “tiny incision” and “Junior’s Johnson” were not going to happen on my shift!

So in desperation, I went to Plan C — which involved drinking heavily and letting my mother take over since, by then, she had joined us in the tiny bathroom.

OK, also not true.

I grabbed a new Q-tip, soaked it in alcohol, then ever-so-gently dabbed the tick.

And, bingo, that did the trick!

The tick made a run for it. I caught him with the tweezers and squeezed hard enough to crush a diamond, thanks to all the adrenaline I had going.

My Missus dutifully dabbed antiseptic cream on the affected area and tucked Junior in bed.

I think he was a little disappointed, because in his young life, this had been a Red Letter Day.

Old Dad had a beer and collapsed in the recliner. Because lawsy, lawsy, lawsy.

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(*I have been asked by one of the parties intimately involved in this saga to stress that the pecker in question made a full and complete recovery.) 

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6 Responses to “On Removing a Tick From Your 4-Year-Old’s Pecker”

  1. Wesley Jordan says:

    Funniest story ever! I had to wipe away tears to finish reading it!!

  2. Junior says:

    I do have memories of this, though i don’t think i would have know about alcohol or how important my pecker was

  3. Lillian L. says:

    Ohmygod! Tears are running down my cheeks from laughing.

    Anyone who does not really KNOW you, the wife and son will not believe this is exactly how the whole thing actually, really, and truely happened…but big sis does.

    You are such a brave, calm, and heroic Dad. However, Junior is going to kill you.

    • hams says:

      Funny now, but, man, at the time!!! And I got Junior’s approval before committing his personal region to “literature”.

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