Trying to bulk up? Buy a used treadmill…

As you read this, can you tell how svelte I am? With much reduced body fat and serious abs?

Of course you can’t, because I have gained weight since I bought my stupid used treadmill.

Last year, as I was approaching another milestone — ’55 is the new dead’ — I decided to shed 10 pounds, which is a lot of gut on a middle-aged Hobbit.

At first, I decided to lose weight and get all kinds of lethal by taking kung fu. How clever is that? I would get buff AND kick *Bruce Lee’s butt. I still have my manuals from when I studied kung fu in university. So I figured it would be just like riding a bicycle.

And it would have been except for two minor problems.

First, I could slowly and badly do blocks, catches and kicks. But remembering them? And adding more each lesson? Forget it. My brain and body would simply say: Que?

Second, my abs of pudding and elbow of glass meant that kung fu really hurt this time round — from the moment I started to stretch to the moment the paramedics carried me to the hospital. Sadly, I had to bail on kung fu, so Bruce Lee remains **safe.

Fitness Plan B was to get a treadmill, something suitable for the whole family! Even my wife whose two claims to sporting fame are: 1) spraining her ankle in 1983 the first time a tennis ball was hit to her, and, 2) there is no number 2. She is that athletic.

So I went to the local Testosterone R Us fitness store to price new treadmills. The basic models started at $10 million. Not even. I began searching for a used treadmill on Trade Me, our version of eBay.

When my brother-in-law found a “steal” for me, I hit the ****BUY NOW Button. Bought that sucker for $250, sight unseen, before anyone could beat me to the amazing bargain. I mean, the auction blurb said it was only about 3 years old and had been used just a few times by the seller’s parents, who had no legs.

And it really was great!

We put it in the basement so Bruce Springsteen could wail while I walked fast enough to sweat like a pig and burn off thousands of calories. The get-fit plan was going along brilliantly until No. 1 son decided to start working out at home, actually running on my used treadmill. So, of course, a teeny tiny worn place on the tread soon became the Grand Canyon.

Cost to repair: $300 for a tread from China plus another $300 for installation. Summary: I’d be out $850 for a used treadmill that, come to find out, was actually 7-10 years old. Sigh.

So the dead treadmill got dumped, and I got seriously pissed about getting ripped off. Because I am all mature and work from home, placing me in close proximity to anger-suppressing Oreo’s, I have gained back way more than I lost on the treadmill.

*****Bad word.

But, I am all kinds of resourceful and have a new plan to get fit. It came to me while eating Oreo’s and watching TV.

The incredible Ab Circle Pro promises an ****** “easy way to get the sexy sculpted body” I’ve always wanted. Dude, I am about to get sooooo ripped with this space-age machine.

Or maybe I’ll learn to dunk a basketball. The sky is the limit. Stay tuned.

Gutbusters ‘R’ Us – THE SEQUEL


* Because he’s dead
** Except for being dead
*** Sucker
**** Huge sucker
***** Mofo
****** Bend over, sucker


Click here for free Hog Tweets at HogsAteMySister.

6 Responses to “Trying to bulk up? Buy a used treadmill…”

  1. Kris says:

    I have seen the commercials for the Ab Circle Pro!

    If you buy one of those and use it, I demand video.

    Hee hee!

  2. Karen says:

    I, being the newbie farmer that I am, recognized at once the biggest flaw in your plan. It’s right here ===> We put it in the basement so Bruce Springsteen could wail while I walked fast enough to sweat like a pig and burn off thousands of calories.

    You emulated the wrong farm animal! Pigs do not sweat. In order to stay cool, they lay about covered in mud, refusing to move so much as a muscle and then they get fat.

    • hams says:

      Dear Farmer Karen. Twas a figure of speech. Being from Oklahoma mahself, I know that pigs do not sweat, and that they can jump a five-rail fence and communicate telepathically with chickens, which explains the complementary relationship betwixt ham and eggs.

  3. malm says:

    We also got a “steal” on a really nice used treadmill from the Y where the spouse worked. We only had to remove 1/2 of the inside of our home to get it where we wanted it. I used it once. I think Jill could count her uses on both hands. It became a place that crap collected until we unloaded it on my brother-in-law. Apparently he needed another place to collect crap.


    • hams says:

      Alas, a common tale of treadmill woe. But I actually used mine and was losing weight. Until No. 1 son broke it I mean, RUNNING on a treadmill? What was he thinking? I think liposuction would be cheaper.

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