My Birthday List

If you haven’t already put my birthday gift in the mail, great, you still have time to read this and go spend up. Big. Away you go…

1. A big water blaster. Yes, it would be useful on the deck and the house. But I’d like to have one right now to use on my face. Not to improve my looks, though doubtlessly it would help. No, it’s because I just walked face-first into a huge spider web. And, regardless of how many showers I take, I can STILL feel a spider crawling down by neck, getting ready to invenomate me.

2. A stomach. Preferably covered by a six pack. But most importantly, one that does not gurgle. And which does not totally stop working after consuming stupid Durian cake during Chinese New Year celebrations. (Note to J-P: Your TexMex C.A.R.E. package continues to call my name, but I still cannot eat it! ACK!)

3. A stealth helicopter. Top Gear will be filming next week on 90-mile beach, which is about two hours north of me. The authorities will be closing the beach and all access roads. But since this is happening on my birthday, I am sure they will let me drive their super-sonic car. But it would be good to have the stealth helicopter just in case Jeremy Clarkson doesn’t quite see it my way.

4. Bichon testicles. Mayo, the newest member of our household, is a great dog. But he lacks boy-ness. You want proof? When we walk, he almost always licks the belly of a black cat who rolls over when he walks by. Worse, Mayo shows no sign of enjoyment when I am cleaning his feet and the Crack Puppy licks his dangly bits. The dog needs a pair…

5. My weight in gold. Junior’s cruise ship is about to end its time Down Under. It will then spend many months sailing between the West Coast and Alaska. If I had my weight in gold, I could afford to take the missus on the Alaskan cruise, riding polar bears by day and listening to Junior play at night. Which would be awesome. Except for Junior. And the polar bears.

6. An ear transplant. I have written before about the joys of wearing hearing aids. Last week, I had them torqued up massively so that I could be sure to hear everybody when I was running a training session. But to get this level of volume, it also meant that sounds like plates or silverware being clinked, or the dogs barking, or water flowing water all sound like 10 millions fingernails being raked across a chalkboard, amplified by Ted Nugent’s amplifier. My teeth? They are still gritted.

7. James Garner’s DNA. Yes, I’ve mentioned that he was almost my dad. And that I do not, at all, hold it against him that he did not marry my mother and pass on his DNA to me. Because I long ago stopped wishing to be tall, dark and handsome. (Or at least I will the day monkeys fly out of my butt).

8. 5 Minutes with Joe Biden and a Wet Squid. Look, I know that all politicians are douche-wads. (Except for YOUR elected official, who is a saint.) But if you could somehow remove all the political-douchiness and put it into one giant test tube, that test tube would immediately take on the size, shape, and personality of Joe Biden. Which is why I would like to slap him with a wet squid. Repeatedly. With vigor. Maybe 5 minutes wouldn’t be enough. Better make it 10.

9. An anvil. The size, shape and color are not important. I just need it to be delivered before the NFL draft to Radio City Music Hall and positioned high above Cowboys GM Jerry Jones chair. This is to prevent him from drafting Oscar Pistorius or Lauren Silberman. (Yes, I know that one of my New Year’s Resolutions was to stop fixating on Jerruh. In my own defense, I am not fixated on Jerruh. But the anvil? It will be fixated all over his head.)

10. Spud Shoes. I know. You’d think that a man who was about to turn 57 would have by now given up his childhood dreams. Of writing a best-seller. Of dating Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Of dunking a basketball. Well, I have given up on the first two. But I still want to dunk. Right over *Steve Madden. Just so that, for once, he knows what it feels like. And if I had Spud Webb’s shoes, I could dunk on my birthday. And become a real man.


* This is what playing hoops against Steve Madden was like for my entire childhood. (Start at 1:01)

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