‘Man Moments’ Involving Deadly Wooden Shards, a Bionic Arm and Charles Barkley

wood shard

 

I’ve have a couple of “Man Moments” lately.

You know, the ones that make the Missus roll her eyes way back in her head and think “what is WRONG with that man?”

The most recent Man Moment involved wood shards, Charles Barkley and Killer Horror Chemicals for spraying roof gunge.

But, honestly, the Wood Shard thing can’t really be called a Man Moment.

It was more of a macho life-saving public service kind of thing.

See, I was walking the Crack Puppy at the park late in the afternoon, and I saw the newly sawn stumps in the photo above with huge, savage shards.

Now, on any given afternoon, this park has about a million kids and dogs running wild.

Some brain surgeon with the Parks Department called it a day after wrapping the stumps with DANGER tape. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

But I could just see some kid playing on the stumps and impaling himself. Because that is exactly what I would have done as a kid.

I tried to kick the wooden shards down, but my tennis shoes weren’t up to the job. So I did what any guy in my position would do.

I hammered the crap out of the shards with my artificial arm until they broke.

Bionic Hammering

I mean, what’s the point of being bionic if you don’t occasionally beat the crap out of something with your artificial arm?

In all honesty, I left the park feeling 100% he-manly and good-fatherly.

But, as it turns out, my bionic-smashing strategy had a minor flaw in it. (What are the odds?)

It seems that my artificial arm was not, technically speaking, designed to withstand hammer blows to tree stumps. (Who knew?)

So my arm broke.

Not “broke” in a bad way; it just sort of had a big gash on the tree-smashing side.

Unfortunately, I needed some repair work on the bionics.

Which is where Charley Barkley comes in.

charles

Note the arm.

Dear Reader, I know this has probably never crossed your mind, but there are a lot of people who wear artificial arms or legs. (No, not Charles, though it’s fun to think about him ripping down rebounds with a hook).

Many of these people want to go away for the Christmas holidays, and they would like to do so with their brand new, or newly repaired, arms or legs. Which is fair enough, from my particular point of view.

So there was a major pre-Christmas rush at the artificial arm place, which affected their normally stellar repair work.

My arm looked like they had covered the gash with big ol’ glob of self-hardening, crunchy, peanut butter. So I asked them to have another go.

The second time, the gashed area was made as smooth as a baby’s behind.

And the whole arm had been dyed the color of Charles Barkley.

Now, I loves me some Chuck. I loved the way he played hoop. I love the way he speaks the truth, come hell or high water.

But, as much as I like Sir Charles, I am not a large black man.

I am a small white guy. With some Potawatomi thrown in.

Although I do not consider myself a racist, I did not want to have one black arm.

So, despite the pre-Christmas rush, I asked the repair guys to recolor my arm into the Caucasion spectrum.

So they made it a lot whiter.

And when I say “a lot whiter”, I mean my artificial arm would have looked good on Silas, the albino monk from the Da Vinci Code.

I should have teeth so white.

Albino Arm

Despite being a bit frustrated by now, I did not make a fuss about the glow-in-the-dark-albino arm.

This is because I was trying to “be in the spirit of Christmas.”

Plus also, I did not want anyone to ask me, “how exactly did you break your arm in the first place, because we have never seen anything like this before?”

So I just quietly left my arm for repairs, and agreed to wear my back-up arm for a few weeks.

Yes, I have several back-ups which, when you think about it, would make a bodacious Halloween costume if I ever rigged them all up with batteries and blood and stuff.

Anyways, the arm repair guys got it right on the third try.

W00-hoo!

So I decided to celebrate by doing some manly Do It Yourself work.

No, it did not involve hammering down giant tree shards.

It involved degunking the roof with killer horror chemicals and such.

 

And there was this problem involving almost falling off the ladder.

But I did not.

Sometimes, having a hook is a really good thing.

 

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2 Responses to “‘Man Moments’ Involving Deadly Wooden Shards, a Bionic Arm and Charles Barkley”

  1. Lillian L.. says:

    When are going to learn to stay the hell away from “‘chinery” Leroy?

    Since you did not die, I’d say at least one of your guardian angels wasn’t asleep at the wheel. Praise be!

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