It’s ‘Segway’ not karma: Be careful what you make because it will kill you

The word “karma” is way overused and outdated. I propose we say “Segway” instead to make it more current.

As in, “That had to be ‘Segway’ from actions in James Heselden’s past life, what with him owning the Segway company and dying when he ‘Segwayed’ off a cliff in River Wharfe.”

West Yorkshire police do not believe the tragic death to be suspicious, but many believe it was part of a global conspiracy by machines to kill the people who make them.

Conspiracy theories about karma, er, ‘Segway’, abound every spring in the inventor community, when they come out of their basements and labs to stock up on Red Bull and Doritos and to change their shorts.

They say the proof of ‘Segway-karma’ is overwhelming.

How else do you explain Alexander Graham Bell being murdered by a telemarketer? Thomas Edison driven insane by his phonograph playing a scratched ABBA LP over and over and over? And Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin perishing in 1917 when his blimp crashed into Ben Franklin’s kite?

According to ancient texts, the concept of ‘Segway’ dates back to prehistoric times.

In 1 million BC, Og, the inventor of the stone wheel, was found dead near the Mastadon Bar and Grill, with a single tire tread on his face. Prehistoric CSI investigators suspected it was ‘Segway’ that killed Og. They were certain when they discovered an animal skin bikini in the glovebox of Og’s wheel that did not belong to Mrs. Og. The bikini was owned by Rock-ell Welch. (Stone wheel. Rock-ell. Get it? Look, Segway-karma is sometimes more ironic than funny.)

More recently, Segway was believed to have caused the death of Dr. Frank Ryan, plastic surgeon to Heidi Montag and other celebrities. He was sending a Twitter message about his border collie (facelift, tummy tuck, spaying) just before he drove off a cliff in Los Angeles, his ex-girlfriend, Rock-ell, told PEOPLE.

Fear of ‘Segway’ repayment for prior transgressions is even found at the highest levels of government.

It is said that President Obama is terrified that Segway will cause his premature death.

Because he was born in Kenya, or possibly Hawaii, he has an almost crippling fear that descendants of either Kunta Kinte or Jack Lord will run over him with his own presidential limo.

And that Michelle will find an animal skin bikini in the glovebox.

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