Hog Tao

*Lao Tzu, an older contemporary of Confucius, was keeper of the imperial archives in the province of Honan in the sixth century B.C. All his life he taught that “The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao”, which makes you wonder what exactly the guy was being paid for.

Anyways, according to ancient legend, as he was riding off into the desert to die – sick at heart at the ways of men – he was persuaded by a gatekeeper to write down his teachings for posterity.

That same exact thing happened to me. And while the Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The Hog Tao that can be blogged is whole nuther thing. What did you expect for free?


Tornadoes and earthquakes will disrupt harmony.

False prophets will sign book deals and shout about end times.

Arnold, Tiger and Jesse, ever desiring, will have their peepees whacked big time.

Darkness within darkness. The gate to divorce court. The schmucks.

And the midlife man who works hard and keeps his pecker in his pocket will go unnoticed.



Under heaven and earth, all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness.

And the occasional really bad marriage.

(Damn, Julia, what were you thinking?)

All can know good as good only because there is evil.

High and low rest on each other.

Like the seasons, famine follows abundance. Abundant Oprah always sweeps the ratings.

Work is done and then forgotten, therefore it lasts forever.



Not exalting the gifted prevents quarreling.

Not collecting treasures prevents stealing.

Not seeing desirable things prevents confusion of the heart.

But totally hoses the consumer-led recovery.

If nothing is done, then all will be well.

Unless you are middle-age and have no passive income.


The Tao is an empty vessel.

Not that. This.

How’s that for some serious sage shit?

Oh unfathomable source of 10,000 things.

Lead me to what I seek.


The wise are ruthless.

They see people as dummies.

And sell them many how-to books. Duh.

More words count less.

You want proof?

Hog Tao 2 – the Sequel

*Before anyone blows a taoist sprocket, please note: I intensely studied the Tao Te Ching as part of my martial arts training in university. It is transcendent. Twice over. But this is a humor blog. So being all serious wouldn’t be the way of Hog Tao.


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4 Responses to “Hog Tao”

  1. teri says:

    How funny! And clever. and true. I always wanted to know a Chinese sage.

    • hams says:

      And now you do! Know a Chinese sage. Sort of. Do not be confused by the Oklahoma drawl, ya’ll. Second try to reply. The Hog Tao be messin’ with my comments today.

  2. Kris says:

    You make me laugh hysterically!

    This is awesome!

    Just so awesome.

    • hams says:

      Thanks. But unlike your blog, Hogs can’t make you laugh, cry and swoon, simultaneously. Have to work on that.

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