Gutbusters ‘R’ Us

Everybody is on my butt about my gut.

Even the Crack Puppy.

Recently, very unexpectedly, she did a savage WWWF-type body slam right into my unflexed, half-asleep-in-bed, middle-age, abs-of-pudding, gut.


The immensity of that pain, plus more than the occasional pregnancy joke, has compelled us to once again go all *Jack LaLanne and buff up.

We have a new, used treadmill, not to be confused with the old, used treadmill that karked it.

The new, used, treadmill is a hand-me-down from the Asian side of the family.

I don’t want to go all anthropomorphic on you, but I am certain it is a racist treadmill and does not at all like my honky gut.

After positioning it in the basement, next to where the Moosedawg sleeps, I gave it a test walk. And it tried to kill me.

I had turned it on, climbed aboard, and was trying to adjust to the new “cockpit”. It is vastly more high-tech than the old one, with millions of electronic bells and whistles, none of which work, of course, except for the heartbeat monitor. It will electrocute you if you try to use it.

So I’m putzing along at about 4mph and, being a guy, I slam her into warp drive, you know, just to see what she will do.

And what she does is burn rubber and immediately blast to about 900mph, hurling my gut and I sideways, onto the bookcase. Not kidding.

There were no witnesses, so I can’t prove it was trying to kill me. But deep down, I know. Stupid racist treadmill.

It had never tried to harm the Asian relatives. I bet it actually loved them because, collectively, their whole family weighs less than my gut.

Giving them a workout was a piece of cake.

Giving me and my gut a workout, after we have enjoyed several pieces of cake, and a can of those addictive Asian peanut thingees, seems to strain the little motor.

Tough. The hand-me-down, “I.F.S. Sport Treadmill” with “Air~Step” and “Cushion Deck” will just have to suck it up while the round man gets totally ripped.

Just for the record, here are the before and, I hope, after photos.

Unless the murderous, racist treadmill has its way, in which case the basement crime scene will look like this.

P.S. This treadmill will last forever. The GM Finance has decreed that anyone who uses it shall NOT wear shoes, just socks. We are not kidding.

* Yes, we realize Jack is dead, which does not bode well


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10 Responses to “Gutbusters ‘R’ Us”

  1. I think it wants you to sit on it and eat cake.

    • hams says:

      That’s a possibility. But, sadly, it’s a certainty that the GM of Finance would frown on that. Great pain would follow.

  2. renegademama says:

    Never underestimate the power of a racist treadmill.

    P.S. Thanks for finding my blog and leaving a comment because that allowed me to find your blog and you’re damn crazy and for that, we shall be friends. I heart run-ons.

    Oh, and do you really live in New Zealand? Fucking lucky rat bastard. (Wait I didn’t mean that. I meant “that’s so awesome! Tell me what it’s like there!” (see you know I’m paraphrasing some other personality that is not at all me because the real me hates exclamation points, smiley faces and emoticons.))


    • hams says:

      We are truly an Okie Down Under in Nu Zillans. No offense taken to be called a “Fucking lucky rat bastard”. Having been in PR and journalism for 30 years, we have been called WAY worse. We upside down heart emoticons. They are why we have predator drones. Thanks for visiting and for directing everyone in America to Hogs. Cheers.

  3. J-P says:

    Just FYI – You can order “turkey pants” aka maternity pants in petites so that you can be both round and short.

  4. malm says:

    Does this new and improved used model have adequate space provided for: hanging clothes, piles of magazines and books, other assorted items that should go to a garage sale or the garbage(but you just can’t seem to pull the trigger on it). If so, you can forward the treadmill to me once you given up on this current foolishness.

    Glad to be of help,

    • hams says:

      Sorry, Todd, this is the Twinkie-sized Asian version designed SOLELY for actually walking, if you can imagine that. No attachments for hanging clothes, guns, fishing poles or even back issues of Sports Illustrated. This model would never be successful in the U.S.

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