Gettin’ Ettin By a Big Damned Python!

There are people in this world who are destined to be eaten by a Burmese Python.

Most of those poor, poor people live in Burma.

Or in Florida, which is where most Burmese Pythons seem to live nowadays.

Thanks to the crack investigative journalism of Dave Barry, we now know the following:

  • The Python Challenge is being held right now in Florida
  • There is a $1,500 prize for whatever lunatic snake-hunter bags the most Burmese Pythons
  • There is a $1,000 prize for whatever moron snake-hunter catches the largest Burmese Python

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission’s main rules are pretty simple:

  1. Contestants have an ethical obligation to ensure a Burmese Python is killed in a humane manner (i.e. using a device called a “captive bolt” or by shooting it in the head with a firearm of “a safe, but effective caliber”)
  2. No prize money will be awarded to anyone who is eaten alive by a Burmese Python

Okay, we made up Rule No. 2.

But that’s probably the most important thing to remember because Burmese Pythons can grow up to 20 feet long and weigh up to 200 pounds (before eating any contestants).

Having read about the Python Challenge, I know that many, many of my brethren in Oklahoma will feel drawn to Florida by a powerful and unseen force.

They will have already packed their flat-bottom boat, 12 gauge, assault rifle, Glock, stun gun, machete, hand grenades, pit bull, camo gear, chest waders, and OU baseball cap into the pick up.

They will be burning up the road to Florida just as soon as they stock up on essentials at Wal-Mart (ammo), 7-11 (ice, beer, Slim Jims) and the pharmacy (Off! For Mosquitoes and Burmese Pythons).

They will be thoughtfully discussing their strategy:

“I’ll walk this-away and you walk over yonder. And remember, Dwayne, do NOT get all likkered up and shoot me again or I am going to get really pissed off”…

“Wouldn’t it be great if we could drag Lance Armstrong and Oprah behind the boat as bait?”

“Well, just Lance, because there is no Burmese Python on the planet big enough to eat Oprah. Hahaha.”

And, I am right there with these courageous fellers.

Or at least I would be if I were still in the States.

And if I were not totally, completely, 100% terrified of snakes.

But, from my snake-free position in New Zealand, I wish them the best Burmese Python hunt ever!

I sincerely hope they do not get et.

That Lance and Oprah do get et.

And I urge them not, under any circumstances, to click on this link before jumping into the flat-bottom and roaring into the Everglades, almost certainly for the last time.


(Click here for more snake-related news.)



4 Responses to “Gettin’ Ettin By a Big Damned Python!”

  1. Lillian L. says:

    Even tho, myself, I like snakes as long as they aren’t big, little, alive or dead. But that’s just me. Thanks for NOT showing pictures!!!!!

  2. “Off! For Mosquitoes and Burmese Pythons”

    Oh my god . . . snorts of laughter . . . that’s fabulous.

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