Emergency TSA Staff Meeting – Washington, D.C.

Wallace Fiendster TSA Section Chief:

I’d like to thank all TSA staff for attending this meeting, either in person here in Washington, D.C., or via teleconference from right around our great nation. I know that Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano a few opening comments before we open the floor to questions. Janet…

Big Sis:

First let me say that most Americans understand that having a stranger feel up their manhood or girly bits is a small price to pay for safe air travel. But there has been some public concern, so I thought we should clear the air today. Any questions?

Bob Smith, TSA screener, Washington, D.C.:

Regarding the guy who said he’d have us arrested if we touched his junk. Could he do that? And what exactly does the TSA consider ‘junk’? Are we talkings boobs, vags, Johnsons or what?

Big Sis:

Thanks Bob. I do like talking about boobies! Anyway, to clarify, a passenger’s junk is just everything they don’t want you to touch. TSA staff can be 1000% confident that you are fully protected from arrest for doing your screening if you follow protocol and don’t have too much fun doing it (wink)!

TSA staff Tiny Brukowsky, Tulsa Oklahoma:

Ma’am, these protesters are getting out of hand in our neck of the woods. Wouldn’t it be easier if we just tasered their asses and ran them through the baggage screeners?

Wallace Fiendster TSA Section Chief:

I’ll take this one, Big Sir, er, Sis… No, Tiny, that wouldn’t be possible. We don’t have budget for tasers yet. We should get them next fiscal year. And we can’t run humans through the baggage checks.


Because the x-rays are too dangerous?

Wallace Fiendster TSA Section Chief:

Oh no, no, no. We’re not worried about health issues. It’s just that most Americans are so fat they’d get stuck in scanners. If we get the tasers AND the wider scanners next fiscal year, what you suggest may work. I’ll make a note.

TSA Media Liaison Denise Johnson, L.A.:

Janet, you know how the media like to blow things out of proportion. Like showing all these spoiled brats throwing a fit when staff check for explosives in their Huggies. What can we do about that? And I don’t think tasers are a good idea.

Big Sis:

Not even small ones? With double-A batteries? OK, we’ll take that under advice. I guess the only thing to do then is put the little buggers in a choke hold until they submit. Anything to add Wally?

Wallace Fiendster TSA Section Chief:

Couldn’t agree more, Big Sis. And if parents try to intervene, protocol 358.2 (c) advises the parent should be thrown to the floor and, I quote, “made to do the chicken by knee-dropping their spleen.” The parents, I mean, not the children. And after they stop spasming, make sure you give an enhanced pat down or cavity search, at your discretion.

Ice D’Winfred Scan Operator, Detroit:

I’d like to make a complaint and ask a question. First, my scanner does not show details like some really hot scans I’ve seen on the internet. You know, like of that foxy ho with the gun up her butt. You can see her nipples and everythang. My machine doesn’t do nipples, and that’s not right. And my question is about protocol. When we save really hot images, how can we email copies to our crib?

Big Sis:

Ice? That’s such a ‘cool’ name. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. First off, these alleged internet scans that show nipples are fabrications. Our scanners simply are not that precise. Well, yours aren’t. My one takes amazing photo-quality pictures. I’ll show you some real zingers after the meeting if you want. As to emailing hot images home? Sorry, that is prohibited by privacy laws. But how you choose to destroy any color printouts, like, I dunno, at your home? Well, that’s your business. We totally trust our staff.

Wallace Fiendster TSA Section Chief:

Any final questions or comments for Big Sis? I know you are all keen to get back to sexually assaulting, I mean, patting down passengers.

Patti Lablonsky Senior Screener Chicago:

What exactly are we supposed to do when those Muslim women come through wearing their bazookas? You know, the ones where you can only see they eyes. Do we scan, xray, pat down or do cavity searches?

Big Sis:

Oh no! President Obama would not want to offend our Muslim brothers and sisters. Just pass them right through. After all, what are the odds that a Muslim would try to smuggle a bomb aboard a plane? C’mon! We’re far more at risk from 3-year-olds, grandmas in wheelchairs, white men who talk about their junk, and anyone who objects to undergoing enhanced neck-licking, they are the ones to worry about.

Wallace Fiendster TSA Section Chief:

OK, TSA staffers. Let’s get back out there and keep America safe. And if you have any follow-up questions, or really graphic scans that you want to share, just post them on our secure Facebook page.

For other TSA news click:

Here for Topple TSA protest plan
Here for Neck-licking Anti-terror Screening
Here for TSA & Hookers Battle Terrorists and Do Prostate Checks
Here for TSA Named in Class-action Paternity Suit by ACLU – “Their DNA is all over it, if you get our drift”

Remember to go here for Hog Tweets.

6 Responses to “Emergency TSA Staff Meeting – Washington, D.C.”

  1. malm says:

    Darn if I’m not clever………..

  2. malm says:

    I was hoping for some input from Mr. Heywood Yablome, but apparently he has small interest in these matters.

  3. Big Sis says:

    Americans have never been safer, nor have TSA staff ever been happier at work. All it takes is a little understanding and patience with each other. And flesh. A lot of flesh. To pat. And scan. Oh baby…

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