Dear Designer Dog Co.,
My last few off-the-rack dog purchases have left a lot to be desired. Bad eyes. Bad hips. REALLY BIG MOUTH.
So that we don’t make a mistake when choosing our next dog, I’ve been studying the truly wonderful book “The Good, The Bad and the Furry”. And I’d like to order a dog with the following specs. (Feel free to gene splice or clone as necessary, because we are not members of PETA, Greenpeace, or the Democratic Party.)
Size: We’re not fussy. Something that morphs between Shih-Tzu (indoors) and Great Dane (outdoors or when the bogeyman is about).
Hair: Non shedding. Non allergenic. Non stinky. Fully retractable: while hugging, long and silky like an Afghan; when bathing, we’re thinking Mexican hairless; at play, Beagle is good.
Intelligence: Two settings, please. 1) Really Smart, e.g. German Shepherd; 2) Plank, e.g. like Cassie, our last wonderful Shih-Tzu, who had two functioning brain cells.
Health: The dog should live 25 years, eat table scraps and pizza boxes, never need to go to the vet, discreetly pee and poop semi-annually, on command, and use disinfectant and deodorizer afterward.
Exercise: Will happily blob out with the blob-like owner watching TV. Or accompany blob-like owner on treadmill (taking over when owner needs a beer or nap, and NOT telling the wife).
Various breeds/traits we like from the book mentioned above:
* Beagle — “Near ideal companion and confidant for children… energetic playmate.”
* Bichon Frise — “Curly lapdog.”
* Australian Cattle Dog — “May apply its nearly overwhelming herding instinct to family members, nipping at their heels.”
* Irish Terrier — “Special dog that will go to the mat for you, anytime, anywhere.”
*Bull Terrier — “A goofball at heart. Near tireless playmate and protector. Freakishly strong; Incredible Hulk Strong.”
*Irish Setter — “Exuberance, thy name is Irish Setter. Full of energy and bounce.”
*Great Pyrenees — “The only way it could hurt its master is if it fell on them.”
* American Staffordshire Terrier– “If someone broke into my house…: You know those companies the police use to to clean up blood and body parts at particularly heinous crime scenes? You’ll need one of those.”
Please ensure the dog is as loyal as Buddy the Moosedawg (but without the BIG MOUTH), as sweet as the late Cassie, and as lovable as the wife’s late Ling Ling. (Disclaimer: photos are of stunt Shih-Tzus.)
Mr. Designer Dog, as you see, we are not fussy at all with what we want in our new understudy dog, who should be delivered in the morning. BTW, old and grumpy or not, Buddy the Moosedawg retains top billing until he checks out.
P.S. Could the new dog also be AKC registered and trained to bring salted pretzels and beer on command, thanks?
P.S.P.S. Please screen our dog of the mutant Thunder Lizard gene that makes small dogs freak out when thunderstorms approach and big dogs eat through sheet rock, thanks.
P.S.P.S.P.S. Oh, and make sure the new dog is totally trained by Dove Cresswell.
I will so pay you then!
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