Live Chilean Mine Rescue Updates

(Read from bottom to top)

Days later
NPR fires 3 reporters who covered the Chilean mine rescue and called the miners “Chileans”. “We know racism when we see it,” said NPR’s PhD CEO III (D-NY).

3.46 a.m.


3.45 a.m.
BBC interrupts their LIVE CHILEAN RESCUE coverage to show a 3-hour-long Richard Attenborough doco on dung beetles. Que?

3.31 a.m.
New BP CEO sends urgent memo to his top engineers. “Go to Chile. Learn how to deep drill without stuffing things up.”

3.30 a.m.
Meanwhile, three other miners have been rescued, unnoticed by media jackals. They embrace their families, pray, shower, have a beer, and go back to work in another mine.

3.20 a.m.
Savage media pack continues to ‘feed’ on first Chilean miner rescued – How does it feel? Que? – as family members and friends negotiate with People magazine and The Sun.

3.11 a.m.
Sarah Palin says she can see Chile from the front porch of her vacation home in Chile. Which is in Africa. Innit?

3.10 a.m.
Speaking of deep holes. President Obama claims successful rescue in Chile is brilliant omen for Dems’ mid-term success. Chilean President says, “Que?”

3.00 a.m.
NBC begins to screen Chilean rescue 7-part miniseries – “Trapped in Hell. Rescued by Hope.” Sponsored by BP.

2.50 a.m.
First rescued miners helicoptered to hospital. Paperwork for Obamacare-Chilean Option Cinco will take longer to fill out than the rescue.

2.40 a.m.
Chilean mine rescue chute jams up! Kareem Abdul Jabbar lubricated and slid into tube. All is well!

2.21 a.m.
First tragic mine casualty. CNN correspondent slays BBC correspondent with machete microphone.

2.20 a.m.
First miner escapes! Wearing Justin Bieber nail polish and smelling of Paris Hilton. Wife wields machete. Oprah thrilled.

2.00 a.m.
Paris Hilton goes down in Chilean rescue capsule. Sex tape comes back up. Miners’ wives sharpen machetes.

1.40 a.m.
Oprah Winfrey does live interviews of miners’ wives who lost weight or went gay during ordeal.

1.20 a.m.
Richard Branson announces Virgin to the Centre of the Earth Mine Capsules will launch in 2012. President Obama buys first 4 tickets.

1.00 a.m.
Brett Favre pays big money to go DOWN in Chilean rescue capsule to escape from sexting scandal. Takes his BlackBerry.

12.40 a.m.
Chilean rescue workers shocked when Kardashian sisters pop out of 1st escape capsule, hold media conference and launch reality series – Tube Sisters.

12.00 a.m.
Having run out of test dummies and midgets, Chileans send Justin Bieber down the tube. His stupid hat gets stuck. Baby baby baby.

7 Responses to “Live Chilean Mine Rescue Updates”

  1. Annah says:

    Baby baby baby, woooooooooooooah 🙂

  2. malm says:

    Ah yes, the F&P…. now I remember your short game prowess. My bad.

  3. malm says:

    Favre going DOWN in rescue capsule? Please,….I get it!

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