BaconPalooza — Our Urgent Call For Way More Bacon Holidays


We are well past time for new National Public Holidays honoring bacon.

And we don’t mean like the lame-o Dec. 30 alleged “Bacon Day” that nobody knows about.

We’re talking about the need for major, urgent changes to the United States of America’s Public Holidays.

And it’s no harder than adding bacon to a cheeseburger. Here are our ideas:

Day Date

  • New Year’s Bacon Day January 1
  • Martin Luther King Day January 19
  • Presidents National Bacon Day 3rd Monday in Febr
  • Memorial Day May 25
  • Bacon Independence Day July 4
  • Labor Day 1st Monday in Sept.
  • Crispy Columbus Bacon Day 2nd Monday of Oct.
  • Bacon for Veterans Day November 11
  • Thanksgiving (for Bacon Day) 4th Thursday in Nov.
  • Day after Bacon Thanksgiving 4th Friday in Nov.
  • Christmas Day December 25

How will these MUCH IMPROVED holidays be celebrated?

We’re so glad you asked.

New Year’s Bacon Day would include 10,000 giant Hog Blimps (possibly sponsored by some world-famous blog) operating in the skies of every city in America. Celebrities such as Charles Barkley and Shaq would use large shovels to hurl crispy, fried bacon into the crowds below. Each member of the public would be issued with a genuine New Years Bacon Day head funnel, left- or right-handed bacon catcher’s mitt, and a John Madden-autographed wheelie bin, which should hold just enough bacon to get everyone through until February.

Then comes National Bacon Day, on which every grocery story in the land is required by law to fling open their doors and give away as much packaged bacon as every man, woman, child and large dog can carry. The store parking lots are required to be wall-to-wall with gas grills, where people can immediately grill their own bacon or get celebrity chefs like Charles Barkley and HogsAteMySister to grill it up for them. Plus there will be free National Bacon Day towlettes.


There is nothing more patriotic than a good BLT samwich. And from now on, the 4th of July will become Bacon Independence Day. Can’t you just see, and smell, the drum and bugle and bacon squads marching down the streets, as USMC canons fire off 500-pound rounds of Bacon Bits directly into the crowd?

What can we say about October’s Crispy Columbus Bacon Day, other than bacon is about 10 billion times more important to America than Christopher Columbus or Halloween ever was.

In November, Bacon For Veterans Day may well be the most patriotic of all the new holidays. On this day, Veterans throughout the land will be able to walk up to any restaurant in America. And if that restaurant does not give them as much wonderful, crispy bacon as they can eat and put in their pockets, they can commence firing at the chef unless given an official BACON I.O.U. and a big, ol’ heapin’ bowl of Wolf Brand Chili.


Thanksgiving for Bacon Day, much like New Year’s Bacon Day, will feature huge parades and bacon-raining-down-from-blimps. It will also include NFL games in which the end zones will be completely filled with bacon, to a depth of 6 feet. You can bet there will be a scoring explosion! The stomping of all these 300-pounders will create tons of Official NFL Cleated Bacon Bits which will immediately be packaged and sent by drone, with Official NFL Beer, to every season ticket holder.

In addition, each Southern State will be free to add State Bacon Days.

Oklahoma-specific ideas we are at this very moment discussing with the Governor and OU President:

Boomer Bacon Sooner Days (held at Owens Stadium every home game, and utilizing the Sooner Schooner and Ruf/Neks touchdown guns for bacon blasts)

Bacon Sharknado Day (which will include clowd seeding by Gary England, using huge C5-A transport planes from Tinker AFB to drop thousands of pounds of bacon directly into sharknadoes for statewide distribution)

And finally…

— BRICKTOWN BACONPALOOZA (just like Woodstock, only bigger, featuring Blake Shelton, Carrie Underwood and BACON instead of LSD).

Now, if all this seems a little light on bacon, bear in mind, these are only our initial thoughts.

About bacon.


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