Amazing Hog Tweets up to Super Bowl (ish)

(The biweekly, monthly, every-now-and-again Hog Tweet reruns, presented as a pubic public service )

# I know my backyard is primordial. But I swear I just saw a flying insect big enough to screw a chicken standing flat-footed. Worrying.

# As Oz recovers from Oprah’s climate-changing visit, it’s good to see changing the world’s axis screwed her ratings too.

#Really, as much fun as it was watching Jerruh squirm over all the SB XVL stuff ups, that pales in comparison to Madden

#SuperBowl Memo to NFL Commissioner: Never book a vegetable as your half-time entertainment. This includes Ozzy and Jerry Lee Lewis.

#SuperBowl News: We hear Jerruh Jones is trying to flog 400 “never used collectors item Super Bowl seats” on eBay. Just $7,000 each.

#If Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg gets restraining orders against everyone who thinks he’s a douche, gulp, we’ll need more lawyers…

#REPORTS: Lindsay Lohan To Be Charged With Felony Theft. Jerruh says SHE stole the SuperBowl seats and Cartier turkeys

#Every now and again justice is served with a side order of irony. Let’s hope the bulls hear about this in Pamplona.

#I am not being a drama queen but I want it on the record. If the NFL signs Justin Bieber to do halftime in SB XLVI I will jihad their butts

#Obama hasn’t called Packers despite their winning Super Bowl. Maybe he’s got to get approval from his bosses in China to call long distance?

#SuperBowl News – Is it better for a singer to be remembered because she flubbed the National Anthem or because she & her band really sucked

#JetBlue makes emergency landing in Jamaica. Since all passengers were in cheapo standing seats, they just “Flintstoned” the landing, mohn.

#When Peter Jackson was in hospital for ulcer, if docs saw an Xray like this they would’ve thought “hobbit” not “tumor”

#Been a slow weather day in Australia. I didn’t see a single news item about flood, typhoon, hurricane or nuclear explosion. Lucky country

#SuperBowl News: Not saying that the SB XLV logo on players gear looked uncomfortably phallic. But it would be a great tattoo for Jerruh.

#You know when they turn off the water to fix a line break and you turn it back on and run it to clear the dirt, and it never clears? Bugger

#SuperBowl News: Mebbe halftime wudda been better if Black Eyed Peas not Cartier turkeys were dropped from JerrahTron.

SuperBowl News: Got sick & tired of UK soccer ads watching the SB in New Zealand. But after watching the SB ads on line, not so much. Ack

#When you need to stretch your grocery dollar that much farther. Or you just want national publicity for being a loon.

#If you want to wean yourself off free supermarket samples. For the rest of your life. And don’t even ask about yoghurt

#Ever wonder whatever happened to Mini Me? We just found him. Ack.

#Lice infestation at your kid’s school? Give your child a taser with lots of refills and instructions to zap anyone who scratches. No prob.

#SuperBowl News: NFL plans to award the next 25 Super Bowls to China. Now we can be confident things will get done. Nachos and rice NE1?

#Superbowl News: Charlie Sheen continues his rehab in a secluded part of the stadium with the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders and a Clydesdale

#SuperBowl Trivia note. The same contractors who didn’t get the facilities ready for the Delhi Commonwealth Games now don’t work in Dallas

#SuperBowl News – Dallas rumor that Snooki is now managing the careers of Christina Aguilera and Fergie. Only time and hair will tell

#SuperBowl News Christina Aguilera and Fergie have vocal malfunction. Christina’s was her mike being ON.

#NASA Releases First 360-Degree View of Entire Sun. But it’s too bright to see anything, so…

#SuperBowl News: Budweiser has dispatched teams of Clydesdales with snow hooves to avert a disastrous pre-game beer shortage.

#SuperBowl News: Cowboys Tackle Marc Columbo had a horror year but looks great in his frock at Super Big Gay Out

#SuperBowl News: Retractable roof in Cowboys Stadium will be closed due to winter weather. Jerry Jones’ retractable mouth will remain open.

#Pamela Anderson’s #Superbowl party canceled by Dallas City Officials. Fear of ice falling from her balconies blamed.

#SuperBowl News: Ratings booster – Cowboys Stadium to feature lethal ice stalagtites INSIDE. Death plummet cued by crowd noise. Bensicle?


#@robhuebel Don’t be a dick. Of course Brett Favre is starting for both Super Bowl teams. Boom.

#Sorry, but I’ll only be interested in Egypt if frickin Hosni Mubarak has frickin laser beams put on his camel’s frickin head.

#SuperBowl update. When Cartier turkeys drop from the JerryTron we’ll think of Les Nessman & WKRP

#SuperBowl Fan Tip No.4: VIPs and Jerrah will play Pin The Tail On The NFL Donkey & choose Cowboys 1st round draft pick

#SuperBowl Fan Tip No.3:Tailgate parties: For $900pp fans can use JerryDome drive-thru get beer & nachos (cheese extra)

#SuperBowl tip No.2. JerryDome is kept at a toasty 72 degrees, thanks to power diverted from hospitals & nursing homes

#SuperBowl Tip No.1: Bring your shotguns! At halftime 100 wild turkeys with diamond necklaces to drop from JumboTron.

#SuperBowl alert. Electricity being diverted from hospitals & nursing homes to keep JerryDome warm and toasty for #SBLXV. Crisis avoided.

#SuperBowl tip: Be sure and bring your guns to the game. Right after the Peas perform, 100 turkeys with diamond necklaces will be let loose

#CNN’s Anderson Cooper Attacks Car Carrying ABC’s Christiane Amanpour. “I thought she was a camel.” Developing.

#Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi invites Egypt’s Mubarak to #Bunga-Bunga party. Sanctuary offer possible if he brings hot teen “Cleopatra” girls

#Tony Romo ready to play in Super Bowl. “Miles got called up at the last minute for Pro Bowl so I think there’s a shot for me in SB XLV.”

#Ever see Hitchcock’s “Birds”? Ever rescue a baby blackbird that has been kicked out of its nest? Ever find yourself stalked by a blackbird?

#White House ramps up diplomacy efforts to resolve Egyptian crisis. Obama invites Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony to watch Super Bowl.

#The perfect woman for Larry King? Exotic. Experienced. Perfect.

#@prettyalltrue Seems Kacey Jordan found your pants.That’s the good news. Bad news is they were at Charlie Sheen’s and are now Exhibit A.

#What was it? 10 or 15 years ago when Bruce Willis and Demi Moore were married. And I thought she was the one with the talent. Good grief.

#Rumsfeld comments on Obama: “Sure, he can play basketball. All Hawaians can play hoop. But can he waterboard?”

#W’s blurb on Rumsfeld’s opus: “If I’d known now what I didn’t know then. No. If I knew then what is unknown now, or unknowdable now….

#Snowedin? As a public service, we offer you something to do: You’re welcome. From Les Nessman and his Killer Lizard.

#SuperBowlXLV alert: Major problem with Cowboys stadium roof allows in snow & cold. Players issued special equipment

# Google Adsense? When I blogged about dogs up popped dog ads. Same with lizards. When I blogged about Brett Favre. Ack.

#It’d be tragic if #JerryJones & his EgoDome were under 900 ft of snow & SB XLV was canceled. He’s such a nice feller and all. Get a rope.

#If they even THINK about turning chicken enchiladas into a milkshake, the gloves are coming off, baby.

#Texas taxing power grid, forces rolling blackouts. You reckon that was the Cowboys’ problem? Nah. The problem was Jerry Jones. Get a rope.

#DA: Portuguese Journalist Castrated With Corkscrew. Well, if he was anything like Geraldo Rivera, you can sort of understand…

#Donald Rumsfeld published his memoirs, Known and Unknown. Clearly he handled the “Known” stuff. Wonder who did the “Unknown”. Oh yeah.

#Snowedin? Not to worry. Les Nessman has your back. And something for you to do.

#Murdoch launches Digital Daily. $39.99 buys a year’s subscription of stuff that’s basically free already on the internets. What a bargain!

#I may be a dog-training idjit But THIS woman is a BIG Idjit of the postal kind.

#Monster Snow Lizard Hits Oklahoma!

#JerryJones wants Packers and Steelers to feel at home in #SuperBowl XLV, but arranging blizzards so they can ski to Dallas is over the top

#Les: Oh my. The weather has taken a tragic turn for the worse.

#Despite thunderblizzard in Okla, typhoon in Oz, revolution in Egypt and Jordan, there is no reason to panic. #SuperBowlXLV is on schedule.

#Queenslanders preparing for a terrifying 24 hours as the “most catastrophic storm ever” hits. And no, this time it’s not Herricane Oprah.

#@prettyalltrue We assume legal counsel is required to wear pants in Oregon. Defendants, not so much. CSI is DNA testing Phil’s corpse.

@PhilTorcivia If a pantless woman with a biz card jammed in her teeth approaches, be aware that a taser would be useless @prettyalltrue

#Skies above NE Oz filled with alien spacecraft and giant dragons. Fire & flood to end life as we know it. So, just another day in poor Oz.

#Porn Star Kacey Jordan, 22, has immense credibility with males18-49, including Mr Sheen. In fact her polling pulls a very active skew. Ahem.

#Oklahoma is expecting more snow than Canada. And latest snowstorm started with a thunderboom. Global Weirding? Naw, that’s just a rumor.

# Charlie Sheen to rehab at home with help from a “team he trusts”. Unclear whether Team Hooker or Team Cocaine will handle media interviews.

#Congratulations. You are now being followed by Freakomopolus Rex. He is following 15,000 people. He sells insurance. Ain’t Twitter great?

#Chicago is expecting up to 20 inches of snow! That’s about up to Rahm Emanuel’s big mouth, innit?

#I had no idea Charlie Sheen was in Cairo…

#Says the pound: Huntaways are lovely dogs with great personalities. But where is the OFF button?

#Rampaging looters in Egypt behead museum mummies. I found it sad but somewhat reassuring that all countries have douches. Poor Egypt.

#”Obama intent on Winning the Future.” Click here for something WAY MORE IMPORTANT.

#Oh. So YOUR dog is an Einstein? Lucky you, Not my Moosedawg. Maybe it’s because I are a dog-training idget. Sigh.

#Go ahead. Blame the Moosedawg on me.

#Wouldn’t it be more efficient if the entire entertainment industry was in rehab 24/7, with occasional visits to the real world? Charlie?

#Seriously. Today’s music is such crap. Oh, except for this chap. He is flippin’ incredible. And my son

#“You might think you could never get enough of a girl with a peg leg being disrobed by a guy in a dolphin costume but”

#As it turns out, not all Spam is bad Spam.

#Is Hosni Mubarak making my internets slow? Like, get your foot off the hose, dude.

#Justin Bieber just bit the head off some animal crackers. Somehow it’s not the same as Ozzy.

#Bad week. Peter Jackson has emergency surgery & crook bills $190K to his Visa card. What’s next? Finding out the Hobbit is really 6ft tall?

#I’m really hoping #JerryJones and Brett Favre meet up at the #SuperBowl, have a beer and exchange cellphone numbers.

#When you to to the People Magazine website, there is a link for “Celebs”. Duh.

#Saw this headline ‘Milly Debuts New Collection for Girls’ and assumed it featured crotchless diapers and implants, but that’s Miley’s line

# Boo Peas. Better #SuperBowl halftime would give 105,000 fans tasers with really long wires and turn #JerryJones loose on the field. Nekkid.

#Aren’t there any more 60-year-old rockers left for the Super Bowl? The Black Eyed Peas have only been has-beens for a couple of years now.

#Turns out Ted Williams was doing a play-by-play of Charlie Sheen’s menage a trois, with three sets of triplets and a yak, and it got weird.

#Justin Bieber & Ozzy Osbourne join forces. Of course they do. A marriage made in, um, the place with fire and brimstone – Hollywood.

#Charlie Sheen blames it on a hernia & laughing at TV. Richard Pryor blamed burns on cookies exploding when dunked in milk. I believe Richard

#Tiger year is a goner. Rabbit Year is here. Yay Rabbit Year. Woo Hoo! Tiger year so sucked for so many. And I don’t mean Tiger and Brett.

#Tape replay shows President did NOT kiss Don King while walking into the
Stateoftheunion speech. Honest mistake.

#Girl with girl cheating OK, say boyfriends… As long as they can video it… And put on the Internet. Oh baby.

#NZ tourism boost! “Likely to kill” Canadian man who held his own parents hostage is moving to NZ. Yay! Or possibly not.

#Tattoos totally rock.

#Shock Horror. Former Playmate’s lesbian sex scandal. This is so shocking and horrific. We are all shocked. Horrified even.

#Charlie Sheen rushed to hospital. 12-hour emergency surgery performed to remove three porn stores from his wallet. Or thereabouts.

#Apple Stores in China Outsell 5th Avenue. Chinese struggle to create pinyin characters for “intuitive design my ass; my clone works better”

#If I were to rewrite Obama’s #Stateoftheunion address I would have him begin “Hogs Ate My Sister.” He’d have America in the palm of his hand

#It’s was sad when Kanye’s career went into the toilet. It’s just cynical to imply he has any interest at all in Oprah’s half-sister.

#If Simon Cowell had a love child with himself, as rumored, would it look like Ryan Seacrest. And be invitroed with

#’Path of Destruction’. That’ll be my band’s name. Soon as I learn to play an instrument. And go back in time to 1974.To kick serious rock ass

# Super Bowl XLV expected to break record for attendance. Plus 10 million Cowboys fans in the parking lot waiting to lynch #JerryJones.

#@guiltysquid There are adult beverages that counter NERDBeverages. In fact, some will also take the chrome right off a trailer hitch.

#@guiltysquid Look, you want to sleep or worry about a fiery death? Besides, this is why God gave us convection ovens AND firemen.

#@guiltysquid Ever heard of convection ovens? Boom. Straight to sleep. Feet as warm as toast. Or possibly a roast.

#The previous tweet quote is legit. I checked. Paul Hornung is still alive. He is 97 and still runs a 4.9 forty. Cheeseheads are tough.

#Paul Hornung: Packers fans will welcome back Brett Favre. He can help with winter transport, making three trails in the snow and all.

#Oprah’s half sister to list self on stock exchange. Expects to raise $1 billion in IPO. Her earnings potential is WAY up there.

#MTV ‘SKINS’ may be canceled. Italian PM Berlusconi invites SKINS actresses to move into his brothel, er, home. Proof of age not required.

#@guiltysquid Kris is selling AIDS not ADS. From the cootie gasoline pumping lady. You just have to keep up! @prettyalltrue

#Report: Absolute gridlock in Washington, D. C. NOT caused by coma-inducing State of the Union speech. Or lady in green

#Stateoftheunion Cowboys GM Jerry Jones says Obama could both play cornerback for the Cowboys if “we weren’t so dangity good there already”

#stateoftheunion Palin calls Obama SOTU speech ‘Lecturing’. “Like he was at a big ol’ high school or sumpin”. Palin also called Snooki “hot”

#SOTU Wondering whether House Speaker Boehner has finished ceremonially sweeping up the Senate bar or stopped crying. For the love of…

#What Jack LaLanne taught us about aging? When you stop aging? You die. Thanks Jack.

#stateoftheunion. If you missed Live Coverage of SOTU Speech, go to But start drinking heavily first. Makes more sense.

#Just tried out Social Mention search. Geez you twittergirls talk some shit! Be kind to us Okie twittards. @prettyalltrue @guiltysquid

#I hear the Prez is really pissed off. He planned to announce Oprah’s half sister in the #State #of #the #Union. She gazumped him. Bitch.

#The internets are so Democratic! Snooki will be doing live commentary on the Obama speech. That or doing her hair. Or one of her costars.

#I so want to listen to the State of the Obama. Nah. Think I’d rather listen to uber cool original Eli Moore tunes.

#Damn. I checked my Lotto ticket. Didn’t win. Checked Jack LaLanne’s Will. Not in it. But I so hoped I might be Oprah’s half-sister. Bugger

#I recall interviewing Jerry Lee Lewis in ’80?. Taller than Ross Perot, shorter than Wilt, 2 other notable interviews

#Scattershooting Jerry Lee Lewis. Just as I remember him. As to Jerry Jones? Get a rope. And a tutu

#@ConanOBrien Have a heart. It was Rahm Emanuel. He’s homeless and hungry. And not much bigger than a NYC rat, so…

#On Packers vs Steelers, Jerry Jones says: “It would have been hard for me to draw it up any better.” What a maroon.

#If watching football is beneath you, and you’re a bettin’ man perhaps this is the entertainment U should attend. Bull.

#If Rahm Emanuel can’t get a greencard & residency in Chicago, he should go to Mexia, Tx. They use to let anyone in.

#Popey? Steroids? I just no Kris is gonna start talking about cockrings & elves so am going to go feed moosedawg @prettyalltrue @guiltysquid

#Before you bag Dean the Stream @prettyalltrue admit you’ve also peed while doing a radio interview. We’ve all done it.

# I have beagled a Twitter book from library. Mebbe I will be less a twit-tard soon. But God protect me from @prettyalltrue and @guiltysquid

#OK, so I stuffed up the address for @prettyalltrue. What with Oprah and her sister and Kris and @guiltysquid, my tears blinded me. Ahem. 6:10 PM Jan 25th via web

#It’s not for me to say that @guiltysquid and [email protected] true are getting all Oprahy. I expect tears and gifts for everyone to follow.

#The news is out. Oprah has identified her missing, mystery sibling. It’s none other than… Jerry Jones. We’re going to need very big ropes!

#How much would u pay for John Madden in a tutu hanging from the Jumbotron to fall on Jerry Jones at Super Bowl halftime?

#Pre Super Bowl scattershooting while wondering about Dean the Stream, Jerry Lee Lewis and John Madden. Boom.

#CHICAGOLAND SHOCK: RAHM BOOTED OFF BALLOT. So, he’ll have to go get a real job paid by the hour, right? Like a blue collar Dem? Silly me!

#@MrBigFists And don’t forget to put fricken laser beams on the head of your fricken shark head hat.

#”Apple tightens the screws on iPhone 4.” Was there a screw loose again? And is that why Steve Jobs is shaped like a screwdriver?

#I hear Jerry Jones will spread a million pounds of ice, slush, sludge and salt onto the field so Packers and Steelers feel right at home

#It is written: Snooki is to PBS what Jerry Jones is to professional football. Get a rope.

#Super Bowl news: Shh little cowsheep. Uncle Jerry’s plan to get his Cowboys in the Super Bowl is ready even w/out Wade

#If the Stuxnet worm had only been used on this woman, well, possibly it was. Or on the fricken alien.

#I so think the Stuxnet worm should be implanted in Cowboy GM Jerry Jones’ cerebellum. Using a sledge & a 10-penny nail.

#Brett Favre would STILL be playing if the NFL had put the Stuxnet worm in his cellphone and jock strap.

#Jack LaLanne dies at 96. He made spandex macho. And he crapped bigger’n Richard Simmons.

#Now THIS is how you write a real letter of apology to end a tabloid media frenzy. Well done Mr Plum.

#The Stuxnet worm has all sorts of commercial possibilities. Yay!

#TomZiglar says every obnoxious act is a cry for help. That would mean Snooki is a truly tortured soul, under that drain clot of ratty hair.

#Dubai Opens Worlds Highest Restaurant. News flash. No one frickin cares.

# Darling Elton John, feeling like a ‘second-class’ citizen, goes on a shopping spree, buying 3 babies and a Shih-Tzu and feels way better.

#Oprah spills secret! Barack Obama is her: a) long-lost brother, b) love child with Bob Marley, c) sex-change sister. It’s NOT about ratings

#My internets are going sooo slow that I can actually see the words going down the wire. If Telecom were an animal, it would be road kill

#[email protected] – Put your best foot forward, and don’t drag the other one. Zig Ziglar… Unless you are a zombie. Then it’s perfectly alright

#Lovebite partially paralyzes woman. Tiger Woods denies it had anything to do with a non-carbonated popo dipping.

#If we start wearing our genitals on the outside of our clothes, exactly what will TSA staff do with their hands?

#It’s just a coincidence, that Oprah is going to reveal a SHOCKING FAMILY SECRET on Monday, and that her ratings have smelled like dead fish.

#Is Obama the first president to dye his hair? I don’t mean DOWN THERE. We are not talking about Bill Clinton and his love muffin. Ack

#I may never be able to look a glass of wine in the face again. Dipping? Ack.

#It’s amazing how real Joan Rivers looks. The people at Madame Tussauds are incredible. And her voice is still like a nail going into ur head

#Hot Russian spy Anna Chapman is enticing viewers to watch her new Russian TV show by promising to reveal “all secrets”. Isn’t detente great?

#Dr Wu sez: If you’re thinking of giving that special someone a hickey just make sure their health insurance is paid up.

#Americans elected a guy named Barack Hussein to the presidency. But surely there cannot be a President Newt. Have you Googled ‘newt’? Ack

#American Idol news: If you had all the botox, collagen & caulk used by Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler, your bucket would overfloweth. Yeesh

#Mostest stupidest lawsuit of the week: Las Vegas tourist sues for refund after sex act led to ‘tragic’ arrest threat”

#Hawaii Gov says Obama birth certificate exists. “I have not seen it but I KNOW it exists. Like the Easter Bunny and Santa. You just know.”

#Sasha Cohen to play Saddam Hussein. I’ve got $1,000 that says WMDs will be found in his Borat style green swim thong. Ew.

#Update: The FBI team in New Jersey that arrested mafia wiseguys ALSO arrested Snooki on Wednesday. Yay. They are still booking her hair.

# Sasha Obama’s first Chinese words to President Hu (translated) “How are you sir? Please do not eat my skinny daddy.”

#Bin Laden says France will pay a high price for its policies.France boldly says it WILL PAY THAT PRICE, then surrenders

#U old enough to remember when old fuddyduddies bashed the media for sexualizing children. And were you so ‘get over it’

#It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood… Click if you miss Mr Rogers

#@ConanOBrien – It’s all in the delivery, Conan. “SIT ON IT.” See what I mean? Just keep practicing and you’ll make it big one day. 5:35 PM Jan 21st via web in reply to ConanOBrien

#Cowboys GM Jerry Jones is letting Jason Garrett hire coaches. But he’s still running the draft. Plans to take David Hasselhoff in Round 1.

#Snooki “Big Hair” Snookmeister, has been sighted. FBI is moving in, despite concerns their weapons will be rendered ineffective by her hair.

#Sure, the FBI raid on New York and New Jersey netted hundreds of thugs, pushers, and murderers, but tragically, Snooki remains at large.

#Come to Switzerland for the snow, the mountains, and the death. Seriously, we’d love to kill you. And we take Visa.

#”We intend to develop a socialist democracy and build a socialist country under the rule of law.” Question. Did Hu or Obama say that?

#FBI rounds up 100s of mobsters. Washington and Citibank grind to a halt, leaderless. But at least 1000s of crooked lawyers will have work.

#Remember the vampire alien chicks from Star Trek that sucked the lifeforce out of guys? So look at the uber First Lady. And her stick man…

#There are WAY better uses for Stuxnet than stopping Iran’s nukes. Post publishes 22nd. Today, we’re NOT into “dipping”

#Does Brett Favre use Walt’s BBQ Rub between his cheeks? I bet he has lots of photos

#Sadly, Ive just learned Walt Garrison is flogging a “BBQ rub”. Is it placed between your cheeks while dipping? Ack.

#There was much “dipping” after the Golden Globes. Minions are STILL trying to get #Ricky #Gervais’ wine glass clean.

#Seriously, dipping has come a long way since Walt Garrison. Old Walt would not go there.Unless with, uhm, Wild Turkey?

#When you want to interest the public in politics, you have to home in on core issues.

#For Dipping Your Non-Carbonated Popo to make sense you must 1st read Dipping ain’t the same, Walt

#If you are a regular guy, ‘dipping’ involves snuff. If not, it involves wine and your popo. Who knew? Read comments

#Missiles off-target in major Taiwanese drill. Guess this means more dead birds falling from the skies of Arkansas.

#I’ll have a Starbucks Uber Cappuccino Trenta, a pound of bacon, 2 dozen eggs, loaf of bread and, hold the jam. I’m very health conscious.

#Dick Cheney says he may need heart transplant. Colleagues and enemies are shocked. “He has a heart? Really”

#”Scientists trying to clone, resurrect extinct mammoth.” Why does that make me think of Orson Welles?

#What do you see in the omnipresent spinning internet ad? An old woman, a princess or Justin Bieber? Yes, you may shoot the screen.

#Steve Jobs isn’t sick. He’s just busy.

#Federal Investigators discover that Weight Watchers meals were secretly liquefied and injected into Steve Jobs’ Big Macs.

#Cyber-attacks could become a full-scale global pandemic and cause collapse of the world financial system. Sort of like sub-prime mortgages.

#Julian Assange vows to reveal tax details of 2,000 wealthy people. I am reasonably confident I am not amongst them. Bugger.

#Another fundamental right is dead. Now you can’t trip on LSD and walk naked into Florida traffic without being tased.

#Beautiful men, women more likely to have high IQs: study This study was not done in Kanye West or Paris Hilton’ homes

#Scientists warn California could be struck by $300 billion winter ‘superstorm’. Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

#Facebook promises that its “User Graph object” ensures that permissions are required before an app can eat your brain.

#My son’s Macbook has been acting weird. Now I get it. Separation anxiety. Get well Steve.

#I’ve got $100 cash money for anyone who will use Justin Bieber as a bat with which to smack Cher. Repeatedly. OK, $200.

#Ur at the Golden Gloves with 1 bullet? Who’d you rather? Snooki? Joan Rivers? Charlie Sheen? Or bimbo hosts? Yep, sadly, you need a grenade.

#You know the bimbos who interview stars as they arrive at awards ceremonies, & won’t let the stars answer? They just keep talking? Hate ’em.

#[email protected] Damn. Ricky #Gervais must carry his balls around in a wheelbarrow. #goldenglobes. Make that 2 wheelbarrows and a forklift

#I’m gonna get more involved in the political process. I’ll even listen to the State of the Union address. If it’s delivered by Ricky Gervais

#Note to self: Make sure plastic container is totally dry before pouring in the bag of instant coffee and putting it into the dark cabinet.

#Oh. A friend of mine really isn’t in jail in Spain or needing his friends to urgently send him 3,500 Euros. Gosh, and I was about to do it

#Claim: President was sick while in office. Clinton diagnosed as dickhead early in second term.

#Just when fate had delivered a sure-fire way to increase male attendance & attention, the Teachers Council nuked it.

#The more I ponder it, the more I think the Stuxnet should be introduced into ALL U.S. government computers. Seriously.

#If I were a bettin man I’d bet that Jerry Jones finds a way to turn everything into Cowboys custard. He’s that kind of guy. Get a rope, JG

#We hope our friends in Queensland Australia are putting fricken laser beams on the heads of the fricken sharks swimming down main street.

#We urge Israel to unleash the Stuxnet Worm on Facebook & Twitter, stalling the forced upgrade to stupid new versions!

#[email protected] smoke alarm broke the simple dog. I’ve heard playing Barry Manilow for a hour will calm dogs. Yeah, well, screw the dogs.

#Ridden the subway lately? Metro? Underground? Tube? Now try Singapore’s? In the 21st Century, Democracy is overrated.

#Boy Band Super Junior sends teen tidalwave thru Asia. Unless he gets eye job, Justin Bieber’s days are numbered. Yay!

#I’ve piled heavy furniture against my internet router. I refuse to let them change me to the new twitter or FB. Do you hear me Zuckerberg???

#[email protected] O’Brien ConanOBrienWARNING: This tweet is not for young readers!Tits. Brought to you by Ed’s Titty City. We make ’em big as ur head

#Cowboys Head Coach #Jason Garrett stuns fans. He’ll run Defense. Hires Sarah Palin as OC. “She’s more offensive than me, deserves the job”

#CBS say it has a high level of concern about #Charlie #Sheen. Will launch new TV series “Charlie’s Ho’s.” To be supportive, don’t you know?

# Judge rules inmate ‘bitten on penis by rodent’ may sue. Snooki denies any involvement. #Brett #Favre will submit photo evidence.

#The app that can read your mind — iPhone brainwave detector arrives. Funny. It doesn’t register with Sarah #Palin.

#NFL late to announce whether #Brett #Favre will start ALL playoff games this weekend or simply direct,uh, photography.

#Economy minded motorists who had stopped using petrol in favor of burning cheaper gold have now switched to crack cocaine. Much cheaper.

#Reagan’s Son Claims Dad Had Alzheimer’s as President. Yet the son is the easily forgettable one. How do you spell zero?

#Was that Pamela Anderson who just introduced a new line of udderwear? Or is the Dairy Industry getting really weird?

#Fox shoots man in Belarus Had it been Vladimir Putin, his nipples would’ve deflected bullet.

#90 students at Frayser High are pregnant or have had a baby this school year. Police are cross-checking Bill Clinton’s speech schedule.

#Urinating policewoman art raises hackles in Germany. France asks “vot ees hack-els?” goes on strike, then surrenders

#Methinks Argentine Prez Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner look like Angelina Jolie’s mom. Father is? Juan Peron? Jon Voight? Ashton Kutcher?

#TSA pays woman for exposing her breasts. “We can recover the money selling her topless photos,” says TSA.

#Correction: Photos of Prez were NOT superimposed onto body of black transsexual. That was the First Lady, clarifies ex-friend Barney Frank.

#Barney Frank creates FB page for Prez with pics of his head on body of black transsexual bodybuilder. Frank: ‘We’re not friends anymore’

#Jason #Alexander’s blog is actually sort of funny. And it’s NOT a blog about nothing. So shut up, Jerry. Call your lawyers off.

#The House is set to vote on repealing the Senate. The Senate, meanwhile, is planning a filibuster taking us beyond the 2016 elections. Yay.

#Gasoline is so ridiculously expensive that many Americans are now running their cars on gold. And getting up to 24 miles to the krugerrand

#ALERT: Cell phone user videos cell phone user videoing cell phone user videoing cell phone user. Bit like using 2 mirrors and a cellphone

#Wrestling coach threatens Obama President gives 59min PhD rebuttal. First Lady sucker punches coach in the throat.

#After hours searching the internets I found a bigger douche than Sarah Palin. Actually two. Well, three if you count…

# German firm develops Internet eraser for photos. Will the rubbed-off eraser gunk fall out of the computer monitor? Or go to the trash bin?

#A friend’s anguish is at I cover tribal challenges, poledancing and Pamela Anderson. ‘Nuff said.

#And speaking of Sarah Palin… Actually, I wasn’t. It was a fart. Pardon me… We now return to our equal opportunity politician bashing…

#Sarah Palin can now buy $300 words and $50,000 videos. But I don’t think she knows what the words mean or how to turn on the tv by herself.

#A reality show. Plastic surgeons, 600 breast implants, Pamela Anderson & hot Russian gymnasts? No writers block here!

#Obama, Pelosi and Barney Frank dressed in blue WWF lycrasuits. With just a hint of pink. Surely that helps you write!

#10 ways to beat writers block. Type into your web browser whatever pops into your head. Just NOT “Oprah nekkid”

#Writer’s Block — 10 ways to beat it! One involving Pamela Anderson.

#Just read a well-written email chock full of $300 words. Not sure what happened to the part of my brain that used to understand that stuff.

#[email protected] Almost worth wait when customer explains bite marks on phone battery she wants replaced. Phone has Vampire Diaries theme, no?

#Facebook:”In the next few days you’ll be upgraded to the new profile.” Hope they make me WAY taller. Zuckerberg, upgrade my bank account too

#LA City Hall overrun by rats “What can we do? That’s who voters elected. At least Arnold is gone,” says Registrar.

#Italian man shot in head sneezes out bullet and lives. Bad news for Iraqi man shot in butt by bazooka who farted…

#Director shoots first major movie solely with iPhone… … then cooks his crew breakfast using only an iPad.

#Got an email coupon today for 80% off teeth whitening. Struggling to decide which six teeth to whiten. Or maybe just the tips of them all?

#[email protected]#worstlieievertold. I did NOT have sex with that woman, wombat, ’57 Chevy… Just ask Hillary… No, don’t do that, actually.

#They say Australia is the ‘Lucky Country’. But, man, this flooding is of Oprah proportions. And, yes, I DO blame her.

#Hubble telescope zeroes in on bizarre, glowing green blob and foreign objects in space. It isn’t easy being green.

#Mary? Makes no sense if you are not a Jethro Tull fan… But enormous hars if you are…

#Public wants General Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf for Defensive Coordinator role. Ubersmart Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones wants Mr Ed.

#Brett Favre leads Oregon Ducks onto field, from the grave. He died again yesterday. Predict he’ll throw for 900 yds.

#I just know the exact second I wash and wax my filthy car there will be a 900% off sale at some stupid mall car groomer. What’s with that?

#[email protected]: Wade Phillips: I don’t see me being a head coach again No shit, Sherlock! Mind like a steel spoon.

#Fall out from Oprah’s Australian invasion. Wombats were never this pushy until they started watching her shows.

#Pentagon concerned over China’s rapid development of new weapons: Boomers and hand-held

#Brett Favre, died yesterday, rose today led Packers to beat Philly 21-16. 97-97 passing, triple double, 99 RBIs! Legend

#Brett Favre passed for 700 yds, caught 7 of his own passes for 8 TDs and went 4-4 at the plate as Ravens beat Chiefs.

#Court orders more TV nudity. Network execs panic “Are you telling me the Kardashians dont fulfill our T&A slut quota?

#Dept of Wildlife says there is evidence that Brett Favre texted Arkansas birds before the died of blunt object trauma.

#More #bird #deaths! 100,000s of chickens dead in Arkansas. Found @ Tyson Food plants. Bodies taken to KFC for disposal.

#Media buyers targeting educated women 25-45 and uber smart men should race HERE! With their checkbooks and empty TARPS.

#Update: Brett Favre only lost both arms & his head in the IED blast, but it doesn’t diminish his playoff wins today!

#Brett Favre, though dismembered in an IED blast, led the Seattle Seahawks and NY Jets to playoff victory. What a guy!

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