60 Ways To Know You’re Almost 60

60 not for the weeok.

  1. You never pull anything out of your pocket without Panadol falling out
  2. You try to use the same *cup all day so that you don’t have to reach up into the cabinet and feel that hot-10-penny-nail-jabbing-into-your-shoulder-socket feeling
  3. You become the ultimate Christian hypocrite when you start wildly boogeying to the Stones, but then you think about what their lyrics actually say, but you just can’t throw Mick away
  4. You realize there’s nothing better than watching a 2-year-old joyfully chase pigeons in the park
  5. You find one day that you are wearing a shirt, at work, around important people. that has the kind of wide stripes that went out with the Rat Pack
  6. You had at least one “hippyish” item destroyed by a parent who went completely mental
  7. You realize that, right now, your kids or nieces and nephews have jobs that are way more important than yours
  8. You much prefer Facebooking about Shih-Tzus and cats than talking about work or politics
  9. You don’t go a day without praying for someone’s intentions, solicited or not
  10. When you wake up in the morning, it is a miracle if you can get to the bathroom without a cramp or stabbing pain or brain aneurysm
  11. When you were little, you and your cousins got up to mischief that no one, to this day, knows about
  12. When a Facebook friend mentions watching Johnny Carson reruns. for the next 10 minutes, you are laughing about the Carson clips airing in your head
  13. You hit something so often while backing up your car that you no longer bother getting small dings fixed, because, really, what’s the point
  14. The most analytical you get these days is when you and your adult child watch the latest Star Wars or Avengers movie, and you spend hours looking for plot holes
  15. Every time you see a Facebook mention of a soldier who has died or a child undergoing chemo, you pray for them; you really pray
  16. You get up from your computer and start walking down the hall, and everything looks blurry, so you wonder if you are having a stroke, but then you realize you’re still wearing your computer glasses
  17. When you want to put on old Norman TBT photo on Facebook, and you realize there aren’t many photos of your family because film was really expensive
  18. You remember the story about Narcissus, and you wonder whether this ‘selfie’ thing is a very, very bad habit 
  19. You hear an old song by the Stones or Hendrix or Led Zep, so you CRANK IT UP, and then you wonder how you ever made it home alive from **parties
  20. The thought of winning the billion-dollar lottery scares you to death because you have personally seen how love of money truly is the root of all evil, and yet you buy a ticket anyway
  21.  You have recently opened a kitchen drawer, removed a utensil, and scratched an area of your old body that you don’t talk about
  22. When you see young lovers out in public, and your mind wanders, it usually seizes on a memory from a time when you were below the age of consent
  23. Pretty much every major new invention or government policy that you read about reminds you of George Orwell’s ‘1984’
  24. You still have a phone/fax machine in the garage even though the last fax you received was during the Bush Administration
  25. You see a guy driving down the road in a mint condition 1966 G.T.O. and you immediately want to be his best friend or kill him and steal his car
  26. You need to hear a baby laugh every day, just to get you through the stuff, so you’ve watched this clip of Laughing Quadruplets about a hundred times
  27. You have figured out that vinegar and baking soda will clean or cure pretty much everything, and you wonder why you need all the expensive crap in your cabinets
  28. You also wonder why stores don’t carry ‘fat guy’/’fat gal’ pants like they used to, back when you didn’t need them (Yes, we know Walmart is the center of the obesity epidemic)
  29. Other than your kids being born, your best memories are simple, and almost always involve laughing with old friends
  30. You realize that you are way closer to your death than your birth, and you’re okay with that
  31. Most of the major dental work you had in your 30’s is now falling to bits, but you are not willing to pay to get it all fixed
  32. You realize that a John Wayne cowboy movie and a stiff drink with a really old Norman High School friend will fix any damn thing
  33. There are at least three times that you could have gotten really rich if you’d taken a moderate financial gamble, but you did not, and that really annoys you
  34. Your new laptop comes with built-in software capable of landing a man on Mars, but you mainly use it to search for stuff that’s lost in your computer
  35. When you go to the mall, you always park in the same area. Always. Because, otherwise, you would never find your car. Never.
  36. The Groucho Marx glasses that you bought for 79 cents were the best single investment you ever made

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37. You have OU jerseys that predate Barry Switzer.

38. If you had a dollar for every time someone in your family said, “if I had a dollar for every time…” you’d be rich

39. You are very clear about Saturday Night Live: there’s Belushi, Aykroyd, Murray, Gilda and Lilly, then a lump of ***everybody else

40. The only way you are ever going to lose 10 pounds is if tacos or DQ Blizzards somehow start to metabolize fat and scar tissue

41. About 20 years ago, you realized that elected officials in Washington, D.C. were not smarter than you, they were jut less ethical

42. You are pretty sure that if a man, or woman, cannot ride a horse, they should not be President

43. You or your spouse have had at least one operation that cost more than the house you grew up in

Ho-ho and Pokey

44. You know that Robin Williams and Jonathan Winters were really great at ad-libbing, but, truly, nobody was as good as Ho-Ho and Pokey

45. And, speaking of brilliant children’s programming, WKY TV’s Foreman Scotty and Xavier T. Willard were the best rootin-tootin’ cowboys of ****all time

46. You would love to go into the garage, find an old tire tool, and then wrap it around the head of the guy who said “60 is the new 40”

47. You’d then bend it over Cowboys owner Jerry Jones’ big, fat head, just because

48. You are a man who has at least one scar from the time:

… as a kid, you pushed the neighbors normally good-natured dog too far by, hypothetically hitting her with a rope because you were trying to be a cowboy and she simply refused to stampede

… as a teenager, you opened a can of beans with your Dad’s U.S. Military issue can opener just to see if you could do it, which, turns out, you could  not do without serious blood loss

49. You are a woman who has at least one scar from:

… touching the million-degree metal ends of the electric hair curlers of death

… breathing in clouds of Aqua-Net hairspray, which is way deadlier than  the DDT the city sprayed to kill mosquitoes

50. You want to throw your computer RIGHT INTO THE DUCK POND when you write something important late at night, and technology and formatting get all bitchy

51.  You have come to accept that you will never be able to properly back a trailer or use Excel

52. As a kid, you thought baby chicks that were dyed different colors at Easter were cute, not something to be reported to the FBI

53. At least once a month, you would give just about anything to have a little more time with your departed Mom

54.  You are pretty sure that your kids would have benefited from having their mouths washed out with soap, at least once

brownie 55.  You spent hours and hours looking through the glass viewfinder of your Dad’s Brownie Instamatic camera, and pretended to take thousands of photos of your pets and siblings (especially if they were in the bathroom)

56. Your wife or husband is right this minute wearing the exact same glasses that your aunt/uncle wore in 1966

57.  Your chest constricts and you can’t breath properly when you hear the theme from the *****Rod Serling’s The Twilight Zone

58. You frequently watched black-and-white TV shows and at least one sibling had to hold the rabbit ears wrapped with aluminum foil just so

59. You believe that people in their seventies, eighties and nineties must be tough as a boot full of barb wire, because they still get around and you can’t hardly do it anymore

60. And, finally, you know you are almost 60 when you’re no longer embarrassed by those times when you open your mouth and your Mom comes out; in fact, those moments really make you smile.


*Yes, you’ve been known to drink wine out of a coffee cup

** Don’t ask, don’t tell

*** OK, Wayne and Garth are close

**** Sorry Duke

***** Auughhhh

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