5 foods to never eat or risk becoming a Walmart pinup

The advertisement frequently at the top of this blog (the one that pays me if you click, yes that one) seems to have changed.

Gone is Secret Exercises for a Flat Tummy. Replaced by 5 Foods You Should Never Eat … if you want to cut down on stomach fat.

But since I am not allowed to click my own ads (which would pay me money, like when readers click the ads, because they are allowed to, ahem) I am not sure what these foods are. But I will take a guess.

1. *Chicken Enchiladas from El Chico restaurants. Actual chickens that were force-fed calories, like ducks and Foie gras. Enchiladas smothered in seven gallons of sour cream. 36 ounces of pure fat. 19 pounds of bad cholesterol. One gram of good cholesterol. Compressed fat molecules that resemble onion bits. Iodized essence of sour cream molded to look like jalepeno peppers. Enriched avocados. With the optional six pack of beer – not lady diet beer. Man beer. (With the floating bits of fat, cholesterol, and a good cigar.)


2. Kiwiburgers (we are not making this up). A quarter pound burger. With a big fat egg. Beetroot (Ack!). Plus tomato, lettuce, cheese, onions, tomato sauce, and mustard on a toasted bun. It’s a bit on the light side until you add fries, mayonaise, hash browns, grits, thick shakes and a gallon of McBeer.

3. *State Fair of Texas Fried Combo. A plethora of wahhhhh starting with fried beer. With a side order of fried pork, beef, armadillo, hippo, panda, gator, goat, cheese, butter, pure fat, bacon, 100% friend fat, simulated fried fat, Krispy Kreme donuts, Oreos, Twinkies, Snickers with butter fat flavoring, cheesecake and cookie dough. With deep fried double chocolate french fries dipped in buttered turkey dressing with hard-packed, concentrated lard giblets. Yee-ha. (And don’t forget a doggy bag for Rover.)

4. Baked potatoes. Topped with items 1-3.

5. **Pig fallopian tubes. Which may or may not be fattening. We do not know. But they should not be eaten. Or at least after you are told what they are. Like when I lived in Singapore. Which was the LAST great-tasting Chinese food that I ever asked about.

* Available with Diet Coke for health conscious Walmart ladies.

** Probably Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig approved

*** The Surgeon General recommends Moss flossing after eating fried foods.

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