10 Tips for Rugby World Cup Visitors to New Zealand

1. Just to be clear. If our All Blacks don’t win the Cup this time, all 4.5 million of us kiwis will commit suicide. Do you really want that on your conscience?

2. We hope you enjoy our brilliant new rugby and entertainment facilities. They’re beaut.

3. Since you last visited NZ in 1987, when we won the first Cup, NZ has proudly diversified our economy from agriculture to genetic engineering to tourism.

4. We’re certain (wink) that you wouldn’t be interested in knowing we’ve legalized prostitution (wink). But if you were, you’d want to practice “safe tourism” while in NZ. Wink. This chap didn’t.

5. To ensure the AB’s win the bloody cup this time, we’ve built on a solid foundation and thrown in a few curly surprises on defense and in the lineout.


6. Dear American visitors: Please note: Rugby is not NFL football. A rugby match is played in less time than it takes you to get a snack (beer, corndog, hotdog and $20 nachos) back home. Also note: nachos really suck in New Zealand. Get a meat pie.

7. You Pommy bastards: We never liked you. And now you’re going to wear BLACK jerseys on our paddock??? We’re going to bloody do you, mate.

8. Dear Aussie cousins: You may own all our banks, be five times our size, and have a boomer economy. But the AB’s will make Dingo Dean’s Wallabies into dog tucker. And, as a nation, we’ll take great pleasure in mocking your ridiculous accent. Rilly.

9. Frenchie: We hold no grudge about your knocking us out of the quarter finals three years ago. And we have nothing special in mind for you froggies. Nothing special at all, except possibly when you pass through Customs.

10. And, finally, to our South African Friends: You are the Cup holders. We’ve always respected the Springboks. And we’ll do everything in our power to give you something memorable to put on your wall back home.

Just having you on. Yeah, no, regardless of where you come from, you are all welcome in Aotearoa for the Rugby World Cup. And we really won’t commit mass suicide if we lose again. But, mate, if anyone tries to take the bloody William Webb Ellis Cup out of Nu Zillan, well and truly, you’re dead.

Go the Blacks!

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2 Responses to “10 Tips for Rugby World Cup Visitors to New Zealand”

  1. GracieMD says:

    I’m one of those Americans that knows everything I know about rugby from 1) watching Morgan Freeman and the dreamy Matt Damon in Invictus, and of course, 2) seeing the current state of the nose of the new grandson-in-law of the queen. I have never come across a live or televised rugby match, and look forward to watching the world cup games and trying to figure out what the heck is going on.

    • hams says:

      Well, after almost 20 years in NZ, I still dunno what the heck is going on, despite Matt and Morgan, the Princes and Princess Fergie (a vicious Lock). But two good things: 1) Rugby is often exciting 2) it’s not Cricket. Now THAT is a stupid, confusing game.

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