The Greatest Debut Album of All Time (Conservatively Speaking, as Only a Proud Poppa Can)

Long ago and far away I blogged.  Then I stopped. Now I am back, briefly, to plug Junior’s debut album before this blog goes down the digital gurgler.

Master Eli Moore spent the last three years seeing the world (47 countries at last count), improving his killer piano chops, falling in and out of love, experiencing many experiences, and writing amazing songs about it all.

Which brings us to “Ship Life“.

Honestly, I have not had so much fun since the hogs ate my sister.

Eli wrote all the songs, produced the album, and even designed and wrote the extensive liner notes.

Thankfully, he got his looks from his Singaporean momma, plus her mad art skills. From Poppa hog, he got his word chops.  All together, he’s a total creative bad-ass.

If you happen to be in Auckland, New Zealand on July 21, 2017, drop by Parnell’s Juice Bar for the album’s debut bash.  Eli will autograph a copy and I’ll buy you a beer, if you behave, mate.

In the meanwhile, head over to Junior’s website elimooremusic and check out the Q&A.  Pretty interesting, innit?

And just because I like you, click here… and you can watch the video/clips that Junior produced as part of his fundraising effort.

Plus here’s a great review.

And with that said, it’s time to go walk Kasey in the boggy paddocks, to feed the chooks and check on the sheep, cows, pigs and horses.

Oh, did I forget to mention the bit about retiring to a farm in Northland, New Zealand?

Hmmm. Must be the Old Timers.

Cheers.

P.S. Two years later, Junior just finished a gig with the B.B. King Blues Band on the Koningsdam cruise ship. Wuz great.

Junior on key in the BB’s


Mighty Kasey Has Ducked Out

(Hogs note: Just to bring you up to date, the Missus is still ‘rearing’ all sorts of wild ducks in the back yard, a.k.a. Duck Med.  And a few days ago we adopted a wee 18-month-old pup, Kasey, from German Shepherd Dog Rescue.  Yup.)

Kasey being all innocent

Kasey being all innocent

DUCKDATE… October 2

Kasey is just doing “stay” so well on the back upper deck.

So the Blog decides to walk down to get a broom under the carport and sweep up.

Kasey, who is “staying”, can’t see the Blog.

And the Blog can’t see Kasey who, as we may have mentioned, is PRACTICING staying.

What could possibly go wrong?

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OKLAHOMA BUG WARS & LOCUST BOMBS

Cicada green

It’s still summer in New Zealand.

Every now and again, when I have a wander into the primordial jungle out back, I find a locust husk (or shell… what do you call those things they hatch from?).

And every time, my childhood memories come pouring back.

We had a mimosa tree in our front yard on Nebraska Street, and half a dozen in the back.

Every summer, the locusts would try to suck them dry and, boy, would they sing loud and long while slurping up the sap.

It has to be said that, as young rascals, my neighbor Eddie and I were not especially kind to the *locusts.

There was probably nothing wrong with collecting their old husks from the trees, and feeding them to Lady Dog, our beagle.

Cicada_skin

She thought they were better’n pork rinds.

But the other uses we had for locusts were not something that make for particularly sanctifying stories during Lent.

However…

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Humor During Lent? Of course!

 

lent 2

(Republishing this vintage blog because it’s Lent, ya’ll!)

In New Zealand, we’ve already begun Lent — 40 days of prayer, fasting and penance leading up to Easter.

Since this is mainly a humor blog, we will begin our Lent by republishing a favorite about two great priests who were incredibly funny in very different ways.

Archimandrite Stephen was bigger than life and perfect for his ministry in media and evangelization. He could PREACH UP A STORM. And he so loved to laugh. Heeheeheehee.

On his generous girth:

“I’m an Archimandrite in the Melkite Greek Catholic tradition. As you can see, we’re rather fluffy. Hahahaha.”

“As you know, your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. So why would you want a little ol’ prayer chapel when you could have a Grand Basilica with a Rotunda? Hohohoho.”

On being the only Catholic in a Louisiana family renown for producing more than 50 Assembly of God preachers:

“I’m the family black sheep. And I love to tell my cousins that I’m the favorite of our departed relatives because I’m the only one praying to get them out of Purgatory. Heeheeheehee.”

On Catholic teachings (when a New Zealand TV interviewer was beating him up because the Church won’t recognize gay marriages):

“I’ll tell you something even crazier. We won’t marry a man and a woman who are living together in sin unless the stop and go to confession. Can you believe THAT? Heh heh heh heh.”

On being a tad theatrical when speaking to our annual Auckland Eucharistic Convention:

“I need one of those lapel mikes. I want to be able to walk around the stage and show off for your Bishop.”

And then, there was Father Angland, 75, my first Parish Priest in Auckland.

He was half the size of Father Stephen, but equally hilarious in his no-nonsense, Kiwi way.

Once, when he asked me to distribute holy communion at Mass, I declined.

For you see, Catholics believe Jesus wasn’t kidding when he said His Flesh was true food, and His Blood true drink.

“I can’t. I’m not worthy,” I said, prompting Father Angland to respond with his wonderful dry wit:

“Don’t be stupid.

“Of course you’re not worthy.

“Nobody is.

“But somebody’s got to do it.”

Rest in Peace, Archimandrite Stephen and Father Angland.

And as for ya’ll?

Here’s wishing you the best Lent, ever.

 

Lincoln Park Zoo — Better’n Star Wars for Kids in the Sixties

LincolnParkZooHead

Way back when…

My niece in OKC frequently takes her chillens and their cousins to Lincoln Park Zoo.

Even though they were raised on Harry Potter and Disney World, they love going to the zoo.

I think that’s great, but, really, there is no way a zoo trip can be as awesome to them as it was to us in the Sixties.

I was probably nine years old when we made our first “expedition” all the way from Norman to Lincoln Park Zoo.  If memory serves, it was a 9,000 mile journey that took about three months.

I was either with my best friend Steve, or my cousins, or all of them, and possibly a sister or two.

What’s clear is that we were all psyched.

For years, we had been watching *Bob Jenni doing guest spots on Foreman Scotty.

He was always handling snakes and gila monsters and other animals that would kill you dead if you messed up.

We boys were GLUED to the television when Bob was on, quietly rooting for the snake to get lose and maybe bite somebody, just a little bit.

So when we went to the zoo, we were hoping to see some seriously dangerous critters, running wild and eating kids, if we were lucky.

My memories of the zoo are a bit faded, but I remember that the Mothers and Aunties were dead keen on this being an EDUCATIONAL trip, so we were all armed with our Friends of the Zoo Key.

Zoo Key

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NHS Grandstand Boozers And Alvan’s Army

Grandstand boozers

Norman High School’s Grandstand Boozers

I was not much of a joiner at Norman High School.

I played football, and that was about it.

But I was a proud member of two organisations that will go down in infamy: the Grandstand Boozers and Alvan’s Army.

Both involved massive amounts of basketball, testosterone and adult beverages.

Not necessarily in that order.

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60 Ways To Know You’re Almost 60

60 not for the weeok.

  1. You never pull anything out of your pocket without Panadol falling out
  2. You try to use the same *cup all day so that you don’t have to reach up into the cabinet and feel that hot-10-penny-nail-jabbing-into-your-shoulder-socket feeling
  3. You become the ultimate Christian hypocrite when you start wildly boogeying to the Stones, but then you think about what their lyrics actually say, but you just can’t throw Mick away
  4. You realize there’s nothing better than watching a 2-year-old joyfully chase pigeons in the park
  5. You find one day that you are wearing a shirt, at work, around important people. that has the kind of wide stripes that went out with the Rat Pack
  6. You had at least one “hippyish” item destroyed by a parent who went completely mental
  7. You realize that, right now, your kids or nieces and nephews have jobs that are way more important than yours
  8. You much prefer Facebooking about Shih-Tzus and cats than talking about work or politics
  9. You don’t go a day without praying for someone’s intentions, solicited or not
  10. When you wake up in the morning, it is a miracle if you can get to the bathroom without a cramp or stabbing pain or brain aneurysm
  11. When you were little, you and your cousins got up to mischief that no one, to this day, knows about
  12. When a Facebook friend mentions watching Johnny Carson reruns. for the next 10 minutes, you are laughing about the Carson clips airing in your head
  13. You hit something so often while backing up your car that you no longer bother getting small dings fixed, because, really, what’s the point
  14. The most analytical you get these days is when you and your adult child watch the latest Star Wars or Avengers movie, and you spend hours looking for plot holes
  15. Every time you see a Facebook mention of a soldier who has died or a child undergoing chemo, you pray for them; you really pray
  16. You get up from your computer and start walking down the hall, and everything looks blurry, so you wonder if you are having a stroke, but then you realize you’re still wearing your computer glasses
  17. When you want to put on old Norman TBT photo on Facebook, and you realize there aren’t many photos of your family because film was really expensive
  18. You remember the story about Narcissus, and you wonder whether this ‘selfie’ thing is a very, very bad habit 
  19. You hear an old song by the Stones or Hendrix or Led Zep, so you CRANK IT UP, and then you wonder how you ever made it home alive from **parties
  20. The thought of winning the billion-dollar lottery scares you to death because you have personally seen how love of money truly is the root of all evil, and yet you buy a ticket anyway
  21.  You have recently opened a kitchen drawer, removed a utensil, and scratched an area of your old body that you don’t talk about
  22. When you see young lovers out in public, and your mind wanders, it usually seizes on a memory from a time when you were below the age of consent
  23. Pretty much every major new invention or government policy that you read about reminds you of George Orwell’s ‘1984’
  24. You still have a phone/fax machine in the garage even though the last fax you received was during the Bush Administration
  25. You see a guy driving down the road in a mint condition 1966 G.T.O. and you immediately want to be his best friend or kill him and steal his car
  26. You need to hear a baby laugh every day, just to get you through the stuff, so you’ve watched this clip of Laughing Quadruplets about a hundred times
  27. You have figured out that vinegar and baking soda will clean or cure pretty much everything, and you wonder why you need all the expensive crap in your cabinets
  28. You also wonder why stores don’t carry ‘fat guy’/’fat gal’ pants like they used to, back when you didn’t need them (Yes, we know Walmart is the center of the obesity epidemic)
  29. Other than your kids being born, your best memories are simple, and almost always involve laughing with old friends
  30. You realize that you are way closer to your death than your birth, and you’re okay with that
  31. Most of the major dental work you had in your 30’s is now falling to bits, but you are not willing to pay to get it all fixed
  32. You realize that a John Wayne cowboy movie and a stiff drink with a really old Norman High School friend will fix any damn thing
  33. There are at least three times that you could have gotten really rich if you’d taken a moderate financial gamble, but you did not, and that really annoys you
  34. Your new laptop comes with built-in software capable of landing a man on Mars, but you mainly use it to search for stuff that’s lost in your computer
  35. When you go to the mall, you always park in the same area. Always. Because, otherwise, you would never find your car. Never.
  36. The Groucho Marx glasses that you bought for 79 cents were the best single investment you ever made

[ File # csp7439653, License # 1401139 ] Licensed through http://www.canstockphoto.com in accordance with the End User License Agreement (http://www.canstockphoto.com/legal.php) (c) Can Stock Photo Inc. / Metsafile

37. You have OU jerseys that predate Barry Switzer.

38. If you had a dollar for every time someone in your family said, “if I had a dollar for every time…” you’d be rich

39. You are very clear about Saturday Night Live: there’s Belushi, Aykroyd, Murray, Gilda and Lilly, then a lump of ***everybody else

40. The only way you are ever going to lose 10 pounds is if tacos or DQ Blizzards somehow start to metabolize fat and scar tissue

41. About 20 years ago, you realized that elected officials in Washington, D.C. were not smarter than you, they were jut less ethical

42. You are pretty sure that if a man, or woman, cannot ride a horse, they should not be President

43. You or your spouse have had at least one operation that cost more than the house you grew up in

Ho-ho and Pokey

44. You know that Robin Williams and Jonathan Winters were really great at ad-libbing, but, truly, nobody was as good as Ho-Ho and Pokey

45. And, speaking of brilliant children’s programming, WKY TV’s Foreman Scotty and Xavier T. Willard were the best rootin-tootin’ cowboys of ****all time

46. You would love to go into the garage, find an old tire tool, and then wrap it around the head of the guy who said “60 is the new 40”

47. You’d then bend it over Cowboys owner Jerry Jones’ big, fat head, just because

48. You are a man who has at least one scar from the time:

… as a kid, you pushed the neighbors normally good-natured dog too far by, hypothetically hitting her with a rope because you were trying to be a cowboy and she simply refused to stampede

… as a teenager, you opened a can of beans with your Dad’s U.S. Military issue can opener just to see if you could do it, which, turns out, you could  not do without serious blood loss

49. You are a woman who has at least one scar from:

… touching the million-degree metal ends of the electric hair curlers of death

… breathing in clouds of Aqua-Net hairspray, which is way deadlier than  the DDT the city sprayed to kill mosquitoes

50. You want to throw your computer RIGHT INTO THE DUCK POND when you write something important late at night, and technology and formatting get all bitchy

51.  You have come to accept that you will never be able to properly back a trailer or use Excel

52. As a kid, you thought baby chicks that were dyed different colors at Easter were cute, not something to be reported to the FBI

53. At least once a month, you would give just about anything to have a little more time with your departed Mom

54.  You are pretty sure that your kids would have benefited from having their mouths washed out with soap, at least once

brownie 55.  You spent hours and hours looking through the glass viewfinder of your Dad’s Brownie Instamatic camera, and pretended to take thousands of photos of your pets and siblings (especially if they were in the bathroom)

56. Your wife or husband is right this minute wearing the exact same glasses that your aunt/uncle wore in 1966

57.  Your chest constricts and you can’t breath properly when you hear the theme from the *****Rod Serling’s The Twilight Zone

58. You frequently watched black-and-white TV shows and at least one sibling had to hold the rabbit ears wrapped with aluminum foil just so

59. You believe that people in their seventies, eighties and nineties must be tough as a boot full of barb wire, because they still get around and you can’t hardly do it anymore

60. And, finally, you know you are almost 60 when you’re no longer embarrassed by those times when you open your mouth and your Mom comes out; in fact, those moments really make you smile.

————————————————————————————————————————————-

*Yes, you’ve been known to drink wine out of a coffee cup

** Don’t ask, don’t tell

*** OK, Wayne and Garth are close

**** Sorry Duke

***** Auughhhh