Waco Twinkies and Police Chief Porn

I really have no idea why the Waco police hated me.

But it might have had something to do with a story I wrote.

I found out that an idiot lieutenant was running a bank stakeout. And the more I found out, the more it seemed like Barney Fife was in charge.

My editors were afraid that bank customers might get shotgunned by numerous Barneys even if the bank robbers never showed up. So we ran the story on Page 1.

The bank got real quiet after that, and the police never forgave me for ruining their surprise party.

But the cops’ hatred for the Waco Tribune-Herald started way before I appeared on the scene over thirty years ago.

The biggest hatred was reserved for a throwback police reporter who I shall call “Dick”. Because he was one.

But, he had a gift for uncovering embarrassing information that the Waco Chief of Police wanted to keep hidden.  Stuff like Twinkies and Police Chief Porn.

Back then, the Waco Police Department was running rogue.  Cops had such contempt for the police chief that there was a concerted effort to give him a nervous breakdown.

Death by Twinkie

The chief’s car had those long rectangular door handles that you reached under and lifted to open the door.  They were perfect for hiding a Twinkie.

The poor chief could never tell when he was about to be Twinkie’d until he opened his door.

So cops would secretly watch from a distance, using department-issued surveillance gear, especially if the chief’s job that day was to drive the Mayor around town.

While the Twinkies Incidents were funny, Police Chief Porn was way funnier; in a whole ‘nother league.

This was before the Internet, back when the only porn available, even for cops, was really bad porn in really crappy magazines.

But when enterprising police officers pasted closeup photos of chief on porn star bodies — those “doing” and those “being done”, if you catch our drift — they created the best porn humor in the cop universe.

The Waco police chief became the laughing stock of the universe. His blood pressure went through the roof, and he developed a nervous twitch.

He ordered his favorite lieutenant, the one whose lips were surgically attached to his butt, to find the perpetrators and run them out of the force.

The chief and his lieutenant could never get enough evidence to fire any ingrate cops for the porn or Twinkie incidents, but they did make suspects work nightshifts, weekends and holidays for months, and double-shifts on whore duty in East Waco.

It was all worthy of a plot in a Joseph Wambaugh book. But since he wasn’t around, it fell to a guy who we shall call “Dick” to publish it.

Kilroy Porn

Dick, a Waco Tribune-Herald police reporter, had of course learned about all of this, and published the most salacious bits for many weeks.

But then he found out about Stall Wars, and Dick went from being a good police reporter to a legend.

Dick discovered that a street cop graffiti artist was creating “Kilroy-like” character to ridicule the police chief.  He drew filthy cartoons featuring the chief, and his dick nose, on the bathroom stalls. This allowed every cop in town to have a good laugh while “laying a lieutenant” in the toilet bowl.

Tensions escalated for months between the chief and his butt-lick lieutenant, on one side, and the patrol sergeants and street cops on the other hand, who were responsible for the Twinkie attacks, police chief porn and Kilroy stall cartoons.

Just when the chief and his lieutenant were at wits end, the lieutenant had a brilliant idea — dismantle the toilet stalls and send them to the Department of Public Safety lab in Austin for handwriting analysis.

The handwriting on the stalls was to be compared to the handwriting of every single cop on the force. It actually might have worked. Except that ace reporter Dick found out about it.

He wrote such a great story that the Associated Press syndicated it around the country.

That was the final straw.  The police chief had a breakdown. And a new chief was hired — Scar Face.

And the wars between the troops got even uglier than before.

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2 Responses to “Waco Twinkies and Police Chief Porn”

  1. Kris says:

    Really?

    Handwriting analysis? Really?

    Not so long ago, under the command of a brand new principal, some students at my daughters’ school wrote some unpleasantries on the bathroom wall. The brand new principal went insane with the need to identify the culprits.

    He visited every class.

    He passed out anonymous slips of paper on which all of the students were asked to name their guesses as to the identity of the graffiti artists.

    He checked bathroom records (the students are required to sign in and out of class to use the bathroom).

    He identified likely culprits and then rounded them up and questioned them.

    He identified the friends of the likely culprits and rounded them up and questioned them.

    He made impassioned pleas to the students in specially called assemblies.

    The students laughed their ASSES off, and no one ratted anyone out.

    The principal never recovered from this debacle.

    If ONLY he had thought to do handwriting analysis.

    Poor man.

    • hams says:

      Exactly. There is just no way President Obama would have made it to the White House without sending stall walls to the FBI for hand-writing analysis. I mean, it’s what great leaders do… Wait.

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