Scattershooting at the London Olympics

Scattershooting while wondering…

If Prince Charles actually wondered, even for a moment, whether that really was “Mummy” parachuting down with James Bond, because he’s not the sharpest knife in the royal cutlery, if you catch our drift.

Am I the only one who tenses up every damn time the male gymnasts do that double flip in the floor exercise and, just before they imbed their heads straight into the ground at 900 mph and become quadriplegics, they gently roll and come up again?

And what is their knee cartilage made off – kevlar? They do a double forward flip and slam their feet into the ground, only to immediately do a backwards somersault. I need reconstructive knee surgery just watching these guys.


I think we’d get the best out of the javelin throwers if they all got to throw right at Mr. Bean, who would be running around on the grass. Distance and accuracy would both count.

When I think about it, John Madden should be doing color commentary for the floor exercise. “You know, there are guys, and then there are GUYS who, you know, boom, right there, boom, ayayayayayayayaya.”

OK, maybe not.

If I started training really hard now, and I got my hands on a Tardis and some Nikes, would I have a shot at medalling in the 1912 Olympic Games?

Can you imagine training for the Olympics for your whole life, and you are finally there, about to compete with the greatest athletes in the world, and you get sent home for texting? Would that suck, or what?

We’ve heard that over 99% of male gymnasts are gay, not there is anything wrong with that, or boycotting chicken, but did the Poms really need to make the whole freaking gymnasium bright pink?

How come they don’t have computer generated advertisements on the gym floor when the gymnasts are scampering all over the place? You know, like they have on football fields? Are they afraid it would freak us out? Or would the ads clash with pink?

Despite the huge possibilities offered by 3-D Computer Generation, let’s be clear: we want javelins, and shot putts, raining down on the REAL MR. BEAN, not a Digital Bean.

Were we imagining it or, when the first American was receiving his gold medal, did President Obama stand up in the bleachers and shout “YOU didn’t win that gold medal…”

Maybe not.

But we are sure that Mitt Romney totally shot himself in the foot when he quipped to the British Press, “Do you think the Queen and Bond got all shagadelic, baby?”

If it were up to us, Charles Barkley would be miked and allowed to compete in every single event at the Olympics. Except swimming. The thought of Sir Charles in a Speedo is just too much, even in an Olympic year.

This has been your second 2012 London Olympics Update, proudly sponsored by HogsAteMySister.

Click HERE for free Hog Tweets from HogsAteMySister plus your very own autographed photo of Charles Barkley in a pink Speedo. Ack.

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